View Full Version : Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Dear person who asked to borrow my phone on the bus,
The battery really was dying. I just want you to know that. I know you thought I was lying, about that, but I wasn't. I mean, I would have lied. I would have said the battery was dying, even if it wasn't, because I'm not just going to hand a $600 phone to random people on the bus, sorry. I realize you couldn't have run off with it per se, because we were on a moving bus, but you could have, idunno, dropped it or something. So no, you couldn't have used my phone, even if the battery wasn't dying. But that's the beauty of it: the battery was dying. So I didn't have to lie. But I blew it. I was too quick, too eager, to tell you the battery was dying. You didn't buy it, because it sounded like a lie even though it wasn't. But I want you to know that I was actually telling the truth, even though I would have had absolutely no qualms about lying to you if that hadn't been the case.
P.S. We passed like six payphones on that route.
Honestly yours,
Robo
--------------
Dear Taco Bell person who comped me lunch on the sly:
Thanks. You rule. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.
Shit.
My condolences,
Robo
--------------
Dear people who post non-paying graphic design gigs on Craigslist,
No one is going to design your band poster for free. But if you talk to the right person you might get potato tacos for free. Consider that some free advice for life.
All the best,
Robo
(Inspired by these. (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/))
Thanks. You rule. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.
Shit.
:lol:
Asking to "borrow" a phone is always the precursor to theft. Always.
Asking to "borrow" a phone is always the precursor to theft. Always.
Also, women in alleys at night always get raped. Always.
Reductio ad absurdum, and in poor taste too. *golfing clap*
Asking to "borrow" a phone is always the precursor to theft. Always.
If I had, like, a $20 prepaid phone, I would have let him make a call. I've done that before. But an iPhone? Erm, no. I actually don't think he was a phone bandit or anything, but I'm not going to take that chance just so a stranger can make a phone call without getting off the bus.
I've had a smartphone stolen from me before :( so maybe I'm just cautious but seriously, that's like asking to "borrow" someone's watch these days. I'm not going to give someone something I can't afford to replace. Also, the last time I let someone on a bus borrow an iPod, it was somebody I knew and it still came back with two huge scratches on the screen. So yeah.
I would have given him change for payphone, if he asked. I'm not, like, a scrooge, and I know what it's like to need to make a call and not be able to (especially since, uh, my phone was dying!). But my expensive electrons are mine, sorry dude.
Reductio ad absurdum, and in poor taste too. *golfing clap*
I don't know if your original post was sarcastic; if it wasn't, it was retarded, and mine was an apt response. And if it was sarcastic, then Roboman has already responded to that — it's not just "a" phone; it's an expensive high-end one.
*delete me* Just getting into an argument that's nothing to do with anyone else.
I'm so confused. Hay guyz wuts going on in this thread?
I'm so confused. Hay guyz wuts going on in this thread?
I have no idea.
That might be the problem.
I'm so confused. Hay guyz wuts going on in this thread?
http://i47.tinypic.com/flk206.jpg
http://cdn0.knowyourmeme.com/i/29516/original/Question-Spiderman-i-dunno-lol-.jpg
That might be the problem.
I liked this thread better before. Since you're (apparently?) saying your original post was sarcastic (I've asked someone else and they couldn't quite tell either), that means you misunderstood Roboman's post, which he has already clarified in a reply. So, why are we still discussing this?
I read Bryson's comment as meaning "all people who have their phones stolen have them stolen by people who ask to borrow their phone," rather than "all people who ask to borrow your phone will steal your phone." If that's indeed what Bryson meant, I think his slightly vague wording led to a misinterpretation on Chucker's part.
See here. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperbole) Then move on.
Jesus.
psmith2.0
2010-03-03, 17:23
This thread just never quite got off the ground, did it? :)
Goons...
But in the spirit of the thread:
Dear People Who Fuck Up Silly, Innocuous Threads With Stuff Nobody Easily Picks Up On (or Material That May Be Too Hip or Smart for the Room),
Stop.
Thanks,
Paul
:p
I read Bryson's comment as meaning "all people who have their phones stolen have them stolen by people who ask to borrow their phone," rather than "all people who ask to borrow your phone will steal your phone." If that's indeed what Bryson meant, I think his slightly vague wording led to a misinterpretation on Chucker's part.
No. He made a sarcastic, hyperbolic statement. (And there's nothing wrong with that.)
Dear :O,
If I may be so bold, you are my favorite emoticon. You are distinct from :eek: and :wtf:, and I must say I am glad that AppleNova leaves you rendered as text. An image couldn't capture the color of your existence, the shock and, yes, the awe. Leaving the eyes rendered only as the small dots of the colon serves to punctuate the gaping expanse of your dropped jaw, if you would forgive the pun. While other emoticons are best in groups you, my fellow, stand alone. One of you is all anyone could need. You are constantly surprised, and yet you surprise us all.
Always yours,
Robo
Dear :O,
You don't want to know what you remind me of, and Robo is wrong when he says one of you is all anyone could need.
Yours,
709
Dear Craigslist denizens,
No, I will not hold a free couch for you. I will give you the courtesy of letting you know if someone else picks it up before you can so you don't waste a trip out. It's a free couch. I'm sure you can find another.
No, I will not take $120 for this thing I am selling for $350 and which costs $400+ used no matter where you look. No, raising your offer to $125 with the promise of "in cash, today" does not make me more inclined to take you up on it.
Also, I do not care how much you originally paid for your TV four years ago. Four-year-old TVs hold their value about as well as four-year-old milk.
Love,
Luca
Dear 709,
:O
Yours,
Robo:lol:
OK. That made me laugh. :D
Dear US technology media,
Symbian is a smartphone operating system. Really! In fact, it's actually the most popular one. I know it's the only smartphone operating system not developed by a North American operation, and I know it doesn't have a huge following in the US, but America actually isn't the entire world! I know that must seem shocking, but millions of people buy Symbian phones, and more are buying them every year. So please stop writing articles about how Nokia is circling the drain or about how Symbian might be an okay choice for someone who doesn't want an "actual" smartphone. Toodles!
XOXO,
Robo
Dear dudes & dudettes who hang outside, perpetually working on your lame crotch rockets,
If you're going to play the same 3 songs over and over and over, can you at least let them finish and not just play 30 seconds of each?
On second thought, can you turn off that awful reggaeton shit? Anything will do, I would even settle for Kelly Clarkson.
Love,
the fourth floor dweller.
ps-I'm glad it's winter and you all have retreated to from whence you came.
pps-not quite sure if whence was correctly used
ppps-I don't care either.
drewprops
2010-03-03, 18:09
Dear person who stays just a bit too long at work then decides he wants to go out to have a beer with his friends but then they've already made other plans forcing you to go home to do piddly shit: screw you.
Signed,
Yourself
...
Dear US technology media,
Symbian is a smartphone operating system. Really! In fact, it's actually the most popular one. I know it's the only smartphone operating system not developed by a North American operation, and I know it doesn't have a huge following in the US, but America actually isn't the entire world! I know that must seem shocking, but millions of people buy Symbian phones, and more are buying them every year. So please stop writing articles about how Nokia is circling the drain or about how Symbian might be an okay choice for someone who doesn't want an "actual" smartphone. Toodles!
XOXO,
Robo
I don't mean to be a dick, but why would the US tech media report extensively on tech that isn't popular in the US? If CNET talks about Symbian, it'll be relevant to only a tiny percent of their readers. If they write a story on Android or the iPhone, though, they'll get way more hits.
I agree that it is stupid to only look at the US market when judging the worldwide performance of a product, especially one that is developed outside the US, but you have to keep in mind the audience.
I don't mean to be a dick, but why would the US tech media report extensively on tech that isn't popular in the US? If CNET talks about Symbian, it'll be relevant to only a tiny percent of their readers. If they write a story on Android or the iPhone, though, they'll get way more hits.
I agree that it is stupid to only look at the US market when judging the worldwide performance of a product, especially one that is developed outside the US, but you have to keep in mind the audience.
It's not that they don't cover it, that would be (as you said) understandable. It's that they do cover it in an oddly disparaging fashion. Like, Engadget just came out and said that the Nokia C5 wasn't a smartphone, despite it having multitasking, WiFi, Exchange support, an app store, and GPS with free voice navigation. I'm not sure what smartphone requirements it doesn't meet, unless "a North American operating system" is on the list now. And it's not just Engadget. It's, like, everyone.
I'm far from a Symbian superfan but it's hard not to notice. The US technology media seems to think that Symbian is (deservedly, apparently) going down in flames, despite the fact that it continues to add users and there's huge improvements coming over the next year.
Dear kids,
Get off my lawn.
Respectfully,
Brad
Dear people who give me negative rep for making gay jokes,
I'm gay. Just thought you might want to, y'know, take that into consideration.
Fabulously yours,
Robo
Dear kids,
Get off my lawn.
Respectfully,Shakes fist,
Brad
Dear Brad,
Fixed that for you
Foj
Dear people who give me negative rep for making gay jokes,
I'm gay. Just thought you might want to, y'know, take that into consideration.
Fabulously yours,
Robo
Dear people who can't figure out Robo is gay,
Please read this post (http://forums.applenova.com/showpost.php?p=679397&postcount=57).
Straight man with a working gaydar-ly yours,
Luca
;)
Dear stomach,
Seriously, it's been 48 hours and you still won't keep down anything beyond warm flat gingerale and chicken noodle broth? I hate you. Go die in a fire.
Love,
Capella
Dear psychiatrist,
I am leaving you because you prescribed me 4 pills a day at 25mg instead of 1 100mg pill a day. This might only be inconvenient for other people- who the hell wants to take 4 pills if they could take one?- but I have mentioned to you multiple times I cannot have lactose. The tablets- which you prescribed- had lactose. The chewables do not. If you're going to make me take 4 pills a day, at least make them ones that do not contain substances I am allergic to. I hope someone gives you food poisoning.
Love,
Capella
Dear psychiatrist...
Everyone knows that psychiatrists aren't real doctors! You can't expect them to get it right! :lol:
Dear psychiatrist,
I am leaving you because you prescribed me 4 pills a day at 25mg instead of 1 100mg pill a day. This might only be inconvenient for other people- who the hell wants to take 4 pills if they could take one?- but I have mentioned to you multiple times I cannot have lactose. The tablets- which you prescribed- had lactose. The chewables do not. If you're going to make me take 4 pills a day, at least make them ones that do not contain substances I am allergic to. I hope someone gives you food poisoning.
Love,
Capella
:( Get well soon!
alcimedes
2010-03-03, 19:28
Dear Fed. Govt.
Can we get off prosecuting sick people for using weed? Any time soon at least? We let doctors prescribe much more dangerous substances every day, and journal after journal have published medical study results (double blind even!) showing that MJ can be more effective than any prescribed drug for various forms of pain/nausea etc., yet it's still illegal.
Is it really that bad that it also makes you happy as a side effect? Last time I watched some phara drug ad they mentioned "death" as a side effect. (seriously, death is the side effect of piles of medications that are legal, including ones for ADHD etc.) Can't we move on yet?
We let doctors prescribe much more dangerous substances every day, and journal after journal have published medical study results (double blind even!) showing that MJ can be more effective than any prescribed drug for various forms of pain/nausea etc., yet it's still illegal.
But if we legalize marijuana, how are private prisons going to continue to make a profit?
Sincerely,
:cancer:
Dear Oeuf (pet cat),
I'll feed you soon enough. Just please give me a break from the loud meowing and chasing me around the apartment.
Love,
the guy you like primarily because he has thumbs to open the food container.
BuonRotto
2010-03-03, 22:51
Dear Bulfinch,
You have been making my wife very angry. You need to stop barging into closed rooms when we are not there and laying on the bed and/or good furniture. I appreciate you want my smell around when I'm not there. I appreciate your relative intelligence, though it is usually less intelligence than brute force (and either shitty door hardware or french doors that can't be secured so easily) with your huge, fat head that wins the day for you. I do not want you to be crated again, or worse, put us in a situation where the wife says, "it's me or the dog." Please stop. Think of the pack.
Sincerely,
Joel
Dear God,
Why are you such a bastard to your children?
Were you abused as a child?
Best,
An Atheist.
Dear Feet:
Fuck off. Just... just stop it. You know what I'm talking about.
That's right. I'm onto you.
Love,
All That Stuff You're Attached To
Dear Back and Neck,
Just tell me which exercise or stretch to use and I promise I'll try to make things better.
Hugs and kisses,
Nervous System
Dear Xcode,
Why?
scratt
P.S. Fuck you, and your mate gcc!
:lol: This thread delivers, especially the feet :lol:
RowdyScot
2010-03-04, 02:01
Dear Capcom,
I am disappointed. You gave me so much promise, and just didn't deliver. Thanks for the 65 minutes, I guess.
Jordan
zsummers
2010-03-04, 04:03
Dear Internet,
Man, we've had some good times right? Remember that time I couldn't remember the name of that girl in the movie with the banana (Phoebe Cates!). You were there for me. I really needed that. And I want you to know that I'll always appreciate how you keep the peace. I would've killed my brother last Christmas when we were fighting about whether Long Island was, in fact, an island. How f*cking stupid can you be, right? But you stepped right in--no judgment, just fact--with maps and everything (not an island!). You set my brother straight. Just the same way you set me straight when I still thought the lyrics were "Dirty deeds / and they're done with sheep."
Good times, good times.
But let me cut to the chase: lately, things have changed. I guess it's hard to put my finger on exactly when. But I do remember the day I found out you had my social. And my birthday. And my phone number and address! What's the deal? I could swear I never gave them to you, Internet. It worried me. I asked around.
But my friends weren't worried--they all loved you. "Maybe mom gave your number to her," my brother said. She does that sometimes, with "nice" girls. For my part, I figured, "Hey... I got drunk at a party and probably gave my card out to the Internet." I mean parts of you are good-looking, and everyone knows you've got a real freak-streak when things head below the belt. Maybe with a couple pints of whiskey in me I scoped your tubes and thought, "Why not?" (Though frankly, with your sophomoric humor and questionable physique ("world wide web" indeed), it seemed unlikely.).
Heck, I even flattered myself, Internet: maybe you just had a harmless little crush. I mean, I'm the first to admit to having some unhealthy little obsessions. Lord knows if I could get it, I'd have Zooey Deschanel's phone number too (which reminds me about something I've been meaning to ask you...).
So I forgave you. "That's just the Internet," I told myself. "She's harmless," my friends said. I guess that's why I didn't freak out when it got more personal the last few years. Pictures of me playing high school basketball. College theses on Salman Rushdie. Even satellite images of my apartment. Where did you get this stuff? It was like you were building a little shrine to me (which, let's be honest, probably kept you on my good side)... Not cool, Internet. Not cool.
But I just couldn't give you up. "Done with sheep!" Boy, that would've been an embarrassing karaoke night. And all those pictures of Zooey you've got!
But lately... I'll put it bluntly. Lately, you are downright creepy. For instance, you were definitely not invited on my camping trip. To be honest, we went out there to get away from you--just my wife and me and the wide open spaces. But I'll be damned--two days later, Internet, you've got pictures of it. How? And my dad's BBQ recipe. Where in F*CK SAKE did you get that? And why? Why, Internet? It's not even that good.
The list goes on and on. My favorite movie. That paper I wrote in first grade on why I like butterflies. My 8th grade mile time. A blog on an Italian dinner I just had with someone (okay, yes, that someone was a blogger.... but that's no excuse, Internet, no excuse at all). IT IS TIME TO GET A GRIP!
So I'm here to say I don't love you, Internet. I never will. Please stop following me around everywhere I go. Please stop rummaging through my digital trash. Please stop saving every f*cking picture ever taken of me. Please stop tweeting on my front lawn at two in the morning. Please stop, please stop, please stop!
But before you do, about Zooey's phone number?
Love,
zsummers
p.s. I know you're reading this. Creep.
BuonRotto
2010-03-04, 07:57
Dear Sex Life,
I promise to put you on the front burner again as soon as this job stress and house upgrading shit is under control.
Sincerely,
Me
Quagmire
2010-03-04, 08:28
Dear physics.
Fuck you. I don't care to understand you at all. I am not going to plug in a stupid formula while I am trying to land a plane with no engines.....
Sincerely,
Quag
Dear Women,
Screw you for you always wanting to get married. Can a guy just look for sex and nothing else in life? Just look at my house.......
Sincerely
Quagmire
PS: Giggity
Dear money I thought I'd finally have after getting a real job,
Where are you? I had more money in college.
Signed,
Me.
Dear money I thought I'd finally have after getting a real job,
Where are you? I had more money in college.
Signed,
Me.
Dear Kieran,
I'm tied up in Phillies tickets. :p
Formerly yours,
Cash
Seriously, though, I know what you mean. It was the same way for me. Minus the tickets. :D
Dear Microsoft,
Every time you fail to use the rare and coveted ffi ligature in your Office branding, you break my heart.
Regards,
Robo
An Addendum to the Letter Above,
Dear Psych mentioned above,
When I call your office telling you I think I might be experiencing a side effect you explicitly warned me about, I expect that, uh, you will check me out. Instead I got told by your secretary that you can only shoehorn me in tomorrow at 4PM. Your secretary said she'd pass it on to you, but given that you didn't call my pharmacist back last Friday to change my pill scrip- when you were called at 10AM and my pharmacy is open till 6PM- I am not actually expecting you to call me back. If this actually is the serious side effect you warned me of, I'm going to be furious.
Love,
a very angry- and itchy- Cap
P.S. WHY tell me it's a serious side effect and to call in immediately if you're not going to, you know, see me ASAP if it crops up? I'd almost rather go untreated than see you anymore.
Capella:
Are you saying Microsoft is your Psych?!?
;) :p
Sorry about the frustrations you're going though... :(
Banana:
I'm beginning to think Microsoft would do a better job. That's saying something.
Capella:
I can imagine it now:
"Hi! It looks like you're having side effect! Can I help with..."
At least you'd have a response, though...
:D
Dear Brain:
You may have noticed that since I almost never drink alcohol I can't kill you with beer. However, make no mistake - I will kill you if you don't stop screwing around.
You're not the biggest, you know. I've seen bigger, so don't be all proud of yourself. Sorry if that hurts your brainhood, but you ain't all that and a bag of chips.
What's that? You're going to make me punch myself in the spleen? I'd like to see you try.
Well played sir. As I recover, think about this: What has two thumbs and supplies your oxygen? This guy. So stop screwing around.
Love,
The sack of meat that lives only to serve the glorious brain I SAID CUT THE SHIT.
Hassan i Sabbah
2010-03-04, 11:59
Roboman's gay lol
Hassan i Sabbah
2010-03-04, 12:05
Dear Christians
Hello. It really bugs me when you ring the church bell at the end of my street, right opposite my house, at 8:00 every single morning. On the mornings after I've been drinking alcohol, when I want to sleep, and maybe moan, and curse the day I was born, especially so. It wakes me up. It's really loud.
I'm a committed Christian* who loves God and Jesus, and his wife Trudy, very much. But when you ring that bell, it really makes me want to turn to Satan.
I mean, come on. You do it EVERY FUCKING MORNING. And it's REALLY LOUD. Everyone complains about it. I don't ever see anyone going to church. It's no wonder the Danish are all atheists. You piss them off with your bells.
So please. Please stop.
OK, let's make a deal. When I'm going to have a bastard hangover, I'll put an upside-down chalk cross on the door of the church and you can have the day off. How's that?
Your brother in Christ,
Hassan
*This is a lie.
billybobsky
2010-03-04, 12:14
Dear humanity,
Your mosaicity is a farce. Your phase transitions and crystal faces don't make a damn bit of difference. Complaining about self-reactivity and the kinetic barriers towards a stable equilibrium doesn't catalyze the reactions needed to get there. Grow a pair and move beyond your delusionally impenetrable interfaces.
Or don't. Your lifetime is limited and what do I care about your hysteresis?
Yours,
b
Wyatt
Seriously, though, I know what you mean. It was the same way for me. Minus the tickets. :D
Phillies tickets, Philly Union tix, down payments for a house & new car, student loan payments, CC payments. It's amazing how quickly money goes when you actually have some. I swear money lasted longer for me when I didn't have a job.
Hey Robo, you can always get your phone back with a reward offer... just make sure you price it well.
http://homepage.mac.com/murbot/.Pictures/5432.jpg
:p
I saw that and lol'd.
The phone was stolen like two years ago, in Vegas, and I wouldn't want it anyway because it was on Sprint (sorry Luca). :lol:
Dear fellow engineering school recruits (and hosting graduate students):
I know we're all engineers, but good god could at least one of you break the stereotype and be able to sustain eye contact and speak confidently? Please!? I'm tired of carrying this damn conversation.
All the best,
Someone who fucking knows how to talk
Dear girl with very large bouncing breasts on the treadmill next to me earlier.
Thank you!
Best,
Peripheral Observer
I'm sorry, but I had to mention this. Regarding my letter to my brain on the previous page: I was reading Wil Wheaton's blog (http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2010/03/alright-brain-you-dont-like-me-and-i-dont-like-you-but-lets-just-do-this-and-i-can-get-back-to-killi.html#comments), and he mentioned his brain making him feel stupid. I thought that was a nice parallel, so I reposted my letter to my brain in the comments for his blog post.
He responded with "That is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever read."
So just so we're clear, I just wrote one of the funniest things Wil Wheaton has ever read. That's like winning gold in the geek olympics or something.
I've been completely geeking out and squeeeing for about 6 hours straight now. That's how much of a nerd I am.
Carry on!
Dear Beer.
I love you.
Me.
SpecMode
2010-03-05, 02:27
Dear asshole who passed me (and the slowpoke in front of me) across the double-yellow lines with the oncoming truck wondering WTF you were thinking,
Fuck you. I hope your truck ended up over the side of a cliff a half-mile down the road for your stupidity, you idiot.
Sincerely, me.
ezkcdude
2010-03-05, 07:47
Dear me,
You're awesome.
-secret admirer
ezkcdude
2010-03-05, 07:50
Dear Hannah,
Sorry, I made fun of your wardrobe. I really just didn't understand why you were so opposed to the idea of fucking me. I guess I shouldn't have taken it out on you on air.
-Tony
Dear lawyers,
Apparently the old perv who was coming on to me is named "Tony". I just got this weird apology letter. I think it's restraining order time.
Your favorite underage Disney star,
Hannah Montana
:lol:
drewprops
2010-03-05, 08:29
Is there some Hannah news I've missed? (seriously out of touch w/ H'wood these days)
ezkcdude
2010-03-05, 09:01
Ok, you guys obviously don't watch PTI. (I hate when I have to 'splain a joke.)
ESPN suspends PTI's Tony Kornheiser for harmless rant about Hannah Storm's outfit. (http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/more_sports/2010/02/27/2010-02-27_skirting_issue.html)
http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2010/02/28/amd_hannah_storm_outfit.jpg
Aw, shucks. And here I was hoping "Tony" and "Hannah" were just some real-world shmoes you knew.
But, good lord, that outfit is horrifying. Put that weapon of mass destruction behind a spoiler tag or something! http://forums.applenova.com/images/smilies/custom/barf.gif
Love,
The sack of meat that lives only to serve the glorious brain I SAID CUT THE SHIT.
That is a hilarious post, man. :D
Whether he deserves the suspension for the comments or not, anything that gets him off TV is good in my books. I hate that bastard with a passion. Enjoy your time off and eat shit while you're at it, you hobo looking old sonofabitch. :lol:
Dear neighbor's dog,
Shut the hell up for a little while so I can sleep, k? How can your little doggy lungs and throat not be exhausted after hours and hours of continual yapping?
disgruntled
BuonRotto
2010-03-07, 10:44
Dear UNC Men's Basketball,
If you don't care, don't show up to play. I thought you lacked confidence all year, and every team has bad years, but last night you showed that you just didn't give a damn for the one time you had to at least give a damn. You are despicable and hopeless. Be gone.
Adamantly,
Husband of the biggest Tarheel fan in the world
Dear Shamrock Shake,
I'm not mad at you. I'm just...dissappointed.
Yours but once a year,
Robo
Dear food that I got for lunch from my favorite lunch cart,
Please stop trying to escape.
Sincerely,
KK's stomach.
Dear LEGO bricks,
Why aren't you cubes? It would make everything so much easier. I know, I know, #firstworldproblems amirite?
Frustrated,
Robo
---
Dear overzealous iPhone autocorrect,
Stop it. You know what I'm talking about. I know, I know, #firstworldproblems again...
Frustrated,
Robo
---
Dear Frustrated Robo,
Stop being so frustrated! You have things pretty good, even if the LEGO model of your dream house looks squished. I mean, really.
Think about it.
But iPhone autocorrect? Shit yeah, that's a travesty.
Thinking of you,
Introspective Robo
Dear UNC Men's Basketball,
If you don't care, don't show up to play. I thought you lacked confidence all year, and every team has bad years, but last night you showed that you just didn't give a damn for the one time you had to at least give a damn. You are despicable and hopeless. Be gone.
Adamantly,
Husband of the biggest Tarheel fan in the world
Dear UNC Men's Basketball,
you guys rock
All the best,
Coach K
Dear Roberto's Breakfast Burrito,
Stop being so god damned delicious. Every morning you tempt me with your bacony wiles, and I am sick to death of it. Contained within that freshly made tortilla there are about 8 million calories just dying to make themselves acquainted with my innards.
Why should you care, you ask? I'll tell you why, you unbelievably tasty little bastard; because the fatter I get, the more of you I'm going to eat. Pretty soon you and all your kind will be extinct, and who will be to blame? Who?
You will. You and your mouth watering contents. And don't think that salsa roja is getting a free ride either, he's just as much to blame for this as you are.
I swear to god you mexi-fried explosion of flavor, get off my jock or I will EAT YOU.
To DEATH.
Love,
A Concerned Samaritan
psmith2.0
2010-03-08, 20:36
Dear Woman Playing Pool at the Pub Who I've Had a Crush on for About Four Months Now,
Who knew someone looking like the best parts of Kristin Wiig and Kate Gosselin could be so damn enticing. But you've got it going on, sweetpea.
- The Guy at the Bar
Dear back,
I'm sorry that I did you wrong yesterday. Thank you for the relatively quick recovery! I appreciate it!
Parsh
BuonRotto
2010-03-09, 10:17
Dear UNC Men's Basketball,
you guys rock
All the best,
Coach K
Dear Coach K (the real one, not his namesake on these boards),
How do you persuade folks up north to think that you're some kind of sweet, upstanding guy, when you're clearly a shrill, foul-mouthed, abusive, rat-faced, hypocritical, thuggish version of your mentor, Bobby Knight. Knight was at least sincere and wide open! I'll give you this: you play the media and the refs well.
Sincerely,
Buon
;)
Dear body,
Leave me alone for a month. I mean it. Breakthrough bleeding, norovirus, and scabies? In one week? When I have to pay for all this out of pocket? I don't care what it is next time, I'm not treating it. We can't do this anymore.
No love,
Capella
drewprops
2010-03-11, 18:03
Dear person who has email address like
onepersonisallittakesinthisworld @ gmail . com
and is begging me for information on how to get into the film business
take a chill pill and get out of my face with your relentless
whatever it is that you call it because you annoy me in ways that I
cannot describe.
And being annoyed with ANYONE annoys me.
...
Thread split! Future Olympics locations? (http://forums.applenova.com/showthread.php?t=34210)
Dear Madge,
What the fuck are you doing with Ricky Gervais and Larry David? You're exhausting.
Love,
guy who shouldn't have bothered turning on the television
Dear Apple,
New MBP now?
Love,
Capella
Dear Capella,
Wait until Tuesday.
Love,
Apple
curiousuburb
2010-03-12, 15:24
Dear Yappy Dogs,
STFU!
'Burb
Dear Apple,
will give you ze big bux if MBP coming Tuesday.
Love,
chucker
Dear Apple,
If you make Bembo a font option in iBooks, I will give you five hundred dollars.
Well, for an iPad. Also, update the MBPs.
You had me at Bembo,
Robo
Dear Apple,
will also give big bux for new MBP on tuesday.
Love,
Maciej
ezkcdude
2010-03-12, 15:42
Dear Google,
Thank you for scanning the entire contents of A.G. Webster's 1912 monograph, "The Dynamics of Particles and of Rigid, Elastic, and Fluid Bodies", and letting me download it as a PDF.
sincerely,
ezkcdude
Dear Amazon Kindle DX,
Thank you for having existed. I have enjoyed tremendously these past few months, even while anticipating your eventual demise due to certain external factors. I loved being able to read 612-page PDF files, like A.G. Webster's 1912 monograph, "The Dynamics of Particles and of Rigid, Elastic, and Fluid Bodies" on you. Take care.
sincerely,
ezkcdude
Dear ezkcdude's pending iPad,
You better have been worth the wait and the $600 I plopped down this morning.
sincerely,
ezkcdude
Dear iPad,
Damn you for being available for pre-order. Seriously. Before you began taunting me in the store section of apple's website I just let the news come to me. Sure, I would check here often, reading all the discussion on flash and just how awesome you might be, and I would check engadget and other sites, but only when I was at a computer and didn't have anything else to do. Now that it's a distinct possibility that I might order you, I can't get enough. I have tons of work to do and spring break only lasts one more day, but I keep being drawn, like a moth to a flame, to this damn website, looking to read the latest discussion centered around you. And I am continually disappointed when I don't see a new post. Release me from your spell iPad!
solstace
2010-03-14, 18:52
Two from me:
1) "Dear London Underground:
Please stop with the constant inane, overwhelming and soul-destroying chatter that you so regularly spout from your Public Address systems. Please understand the following:
- If I see something suspicious or threatening, it will be reported. I do not need to be reminded to do so at every opportunity.
- When I have luggage about my person, I do not intend to leave it behind anywhere except at my home when you eventually let me get there.
- I do not need to be reminded to stay behind the yellow line at all times. The sheer height of the drop from the platform to the tracks, and the fact that I know of the electrified rails keeps me far enough away from the edge all by itself, thank you very much.
- Your repeated robotic pleas do not make me want to be any more considerate to the passengers who wish to get off the train than I already am. My manners and attitude, things you have no control over except to worsen, will help here. If I stand in the way of those in a hurry to alight, I deserve everything I get from them, short of physical force. See Point number 1 for more on this.
- I know about the gap - it’s scary and it eats the unwary. It does not need minding - it exists quite happily by itself. I will avoid it where I see it. Light the gaps or close them. Your choice.
- Announcements of a “good service operating on all London Underground lines” should not be necessary. I mean really - are you celebrating getting through a period when you can say that? Why? We pay you for that good service. Please just tell us if there are problems, or tell us nothing.
- TURN IT DOWN (1): The volume, frequency of announcements, the tinny/distorted/painful speakers, and the inane content of each message is making me switch off my brain to all aural stimulation while using your services.
- TURN IT DOWN (2): If you need to announce everything at top volume, you’re doing it wrong. Cut the background noise, fix your PA systems, train those who make announcements in correct speech and microphone announcements, and run the service properly.
- Learn to talk properly! If I have a speech impediment or a particularly strong accent, it's highly probable that I’m not going to make it as radio DJ. That's practicality, not discrimination. Please stop making those who can neither speak nor properly understand English make announcements. They’ll just get ignored or ridiculed, and you’ll still be left wondering why we are all so frustrated, and why nobody pays any more attention than they have to.
Your prompt action to attend to these matters is desired but not expected.
Yours,
Frustrated of London"
2) "Dear sat-next-to-me-on-coach-lady,
It is not by strict choice that I'm sat next to you. I didn't realise at first that you're pregnant, perhaps because your enlarged frame seems rather familiar to you.
I did not pay good money to sit next to someone who needs a shower so badly, nor did I pay to sit crammed in next to your over-large frame, away from my wife whom I've yet to spend enough quality time with today. We're newly married and even we don't get *that* close. Move over already and respect my space as I'm quite happily respecting yours.
I appreciate you are trying to be quiet on your mobile phone, and that really is refreshing. But really, it's still not hard to hear you. While we're on the subject of telephone calls, from what I'm unavoidably overhearing I despise your life choices; I am incensed that my hard-earned and grudgingly-yet-fully-paid taxes are going to be spent putting you and your unwanted, unloved and as-yet unborn child into government-provided accommodation. Further, i am apoplectic at how you are going to receive £2000 from the state 'just for having a baby', and then moan on and on to your 'friend' about how awful it is to have to spend some (or all, or more) of it on, well you know, baby stuff.
I despise having to put up with you yammering on about how 'appaulling' the conditions are on the coach. You're large. That may or may not be your fault, but either way it does not entitle you to more space than the rest of us.
So please, grow a fricken brain, shut the feck up and above all, GROW UP. The world does not revolve around you, and nobody owes you a living. Least of all me."
Thank you AN, for this opportunity to vent in a more creative and (hopefully) harmless manner than most of us Englishfolk can muster. :)
Dear Apple,
Please wait three weeks to release new MBP.
Best regards,
Parsh
Dear Apple,
Please disregard Partial's ridiculous plea.
Forever yours,
Maciej
P.S. I forgot to mention, he's just drunk.
Dear Car Drivers,
I am a cyclist. But I'm not that cyclist. You know, the one who ignores traffic lights. The one who hops onto the sidewalk when he feels like it. The one who uses pedestrian crossings, but then moves onto the road in front of you. Not him. Because he makes me mad too. Really, he does.
So please, stop treating me the way you treat him. We're not all mad-eyed lunatics, so you don't need to cut me up. You don't need to drive within 2" of me. You don't have to take out your anger at him on me.
You can wait a couple of seconds to let me get through the intersection because you'll still get there before me.
Thanks!
A Cyclist Who Understands The Rules.
I'm not much of a cyclist myself, I'm don't get out every week, much less daily. But I hate people who don't respect cyclists, it might be frustrating sharing the road with someone, but it really don't take much to make them feel safe.
Dear OCD boss,
I understand that you need to feel important and better than me while you're checking my work, but stop being a douchebag and nitpicking over the smallest details.
You've been doing this 15 years. I don't even have six months. Cut me a little slack.
SIncerely,
KK
RowdyScot
2010-04-07, 21:24
Dear Bill Donohue,
I hope you are disemboweled, then choked to death with your own intestines.
-Rowdy
Dear Weather,
It's awesome and copacetic if we can just skip this spring bullshit and move directly to summer. 80º+ is great, and I long for lazy days at the beach. :)
Love,
Someone who prolly won't get wut tehy want
RowdyScot
2010-04-07, 23:51
Dear Weather,
Please, don't listen to Someone who prolly won't get wut tehy want. At least not yet, or not uniformly everywhere. His wish brings humidity to these parts and makes old injuries and allergies agonizing.
-Rowdy
Dear Weather,
Fuck Someone who prolly won't get wut tehy want.
Regards.
BuonRotto
2010-04-08, 08:16
Dear Florida driver with the *EEEUUUGGEEE* Fox News sticker on his rear window that reads:
"FOX NEWS CHANNEL
BE INFORMED
egnorence is cureable
stupidity is not"
You misspelled both "ignorance" and "curable".
Sincerely,
Buon
RowdyScot
2010-04-08, 08:24
Dear Tea Party,
Lern too spill things kurretly. Lern too politiks beter two.
- Rowdy's sanity
Dear Tea Party,
You'll always be teabaggers to me.
Love,
the lone lover of hot, sun drenched summer weather.
solstace
2010-04-12, 03:49
Dear toilet,
I am so, so sorry.
Yours,
Relieved of London.
zsummers
2010-04-12, 04:45
Dear Florida driver with the *EEEUUUGGEEE* Fox News sticker on his rear window that reads:
"FOX NEWS CHANNEL
BE INFORMED
egnorence is cureable
stupidity is not"
You misspelled both "ignorance" and "curable".
Sincerely,
Buon
NEED PICS PLZ.
That's fabulous.
Dear ezkcdude,
If you are so sure of your arguments please stop PMing me with links and stuff and take it to the thread where we were discussing it so everyone can have a laugh.
:)
Best,
scratt
Dear Christians,
I know you like Jesus, a lot. And that's fine, really. I think it's great that He lives in your heart, but does He really need to be your password?
For everything?
Forgive me if I'm overstepping my boundaries here, but perhaps you might consider changing your password to something unique and harder to guess. This is especially true if your WiFi network is named something like "WhoIsTheKing" or "WhoIsMyLordAndSavior." I don't mean to be rude, but in those cases it's almost like not having a password -- rather than protecting yourself, you're just acting on blind faith that...oh.
Carry on, then.
Robo
Seriously, though. The above post actually happened. Somebody really did name their WiFi network "WhoIsTheKing," and my first joking guess got me full access to what I believe is the WiFi network of a business. With customers. If I was a devil instead of a perfect little angel, who knows what information I could have divined?
So. If the above is you, you owe it to yourself to change your password. While a nonsensical blend of letters and numbers will always be the most secure option, if you insist on broadcasting your faith in the most literal sense of the term, here are some quick-and-Holy options that will at least keep the bored twentysomethings with Nintendo DSes out:
Chapter and verse. Instead of simply "jesus," why not use the reference for your favorite Bible verse? Not only does this guarantee you'll have letters and numbers in your password, but also the books of the Bible are often obscure words that aren't found in all dictionaries, like "Galatians."
Write it like Pilate. "JESVS" is harder to guess, and not in the dictionary. Thumbs up!
Speaketh in Leet. "j35u5" is the Savior for Web 2.0. Secure!
Christ, just add "christ." And maybe make up a middle initial for Him, that only you know. Secure, and faith-affirming.
There you have it -- all the tools you need to securify your web for you and your nucular family. Remember - when putting on the Armor of God, don't forget to protect your network, too! :D
But I'm preaching to the choir, here. ;)
WHY YES THIS WAS JUST AN EXCUSE TO MAKE ALL THOSE PUNS
RowdyScot
2010-04-28, 18:35
I'd have totally hacked that shit. :lol:
I'd have totally hacked that shit. :lol:
Like I said, I think it was a business, because there really wasn't any houses nearby. Isn't that a scary thought! I know some mom-and-pop shops that seem to collect tons of personal information...I never thought that they might not be equipped to, you know, secure it. Scary stuff.
ezkcdude
2010-04-28, 19:00
I would've said LeBron, but maybe that's just me.
I would've said LeBron, but maybe that's just me.
My first impulse (when I first tried to connect) was that it was the WiFi for the nearby Burger King.
"ButI don't know who the King is! He's always wearing that creepy mask!" :lol:
But then it had a password, and BK doesn't put passwords on their (public) WiFi, so...
joveblue
2010-04-28, 22:42
Could just as easily have been Elvis.
There are those that consider them to be the same, essentially.
Dear SOHO (Solar and Heliospheric Observatory):
Could you be any more awesome? Have you seen those pictures you took of the sun? You know, the ones with the massive prominence that was hundreds of times larger than the Earth? How mindblowing is that?
I'll tell you, SOHO. It's extremely mindblowing. It makes me think, "holy shit man, we're like ants or something. Smaller than ants even. We're tiny." So thanks for giving us some cosmic perspective, and hey - space is a big scary place. Watch your coronal hole out there.
Love,
Someone who is positively not stoned
Dear professor who keeps on telling me to get the assignment instructions off of the course web page, despite my repeated assertions that they aren't there:
They're not there. I promise.
I honestly have no idea what you want me to do...?
Sincerely,
Frustrated
Dear professor who keeps on telling me to get the assignment instructions off of the course web page, despite my repeated assertions that they aren't there:
They're not there. I promise.
I honestly have no idea what you want me to do...?
Sincerely,
Frustrated
Email him/her a screenshot?
drewprops
2010-05-05, 12:15
Damn this thread is tempting.
I had one all typed out and then deleted it in favor of this post because I just don't want to post things that are personal even in an "anonymous" way... it's the internet and all, you know?
...
ezkcdude
2010-05-05, 13:28
Dear professor who keeps on telling me to get the assignment instructions off of the course web page, despite my repeated assertions that they aren't there:
They're not there. I promise.
I honestly have no idea what you want me to do...?
Sincerely,
Frustrated
Is it a custom site developed by the school? We use something called T-Square (based on Sakai (http://sakaiproject.org/)) for posting homeworks and grades, and the students always complain that they can't see stuff on their computer, even though I definitely posted it. It's frustrating.
zsummers
2010-05-07, 01:51
Dear Uninflated RC Blimp:
I bought you during a grand fit of whimsy. You arrived to great fanfare and excitement. Even my friend in Wisconsin couldn't wait to get pictures of you puttering about the offices, enraging the partnership and amusing my assistants. So why is it I am so ashamed to ask my local florist to fill you up to your inflated, silvery, four-full-feet of glory? Am I less of a man because I can't ask a woman to de-flaccidize my blimp?
So here you sit, three months later, limp and uninflated. You have now found a new use: a symbol for my deflated hopes for you. Every time I see a real blimp, I die a little inside.
Love,
zsummers
ShadowOfGed
2010-05-07, 03:57
Dear Lenders,
I promise you I am not trying to launder money by putting it into my down payment. I have provided you with far more detail on my financial background than seems reasonable, and yet you want more documentation.
I asked you 10 days ago what information you needed and in what formats. I then got it all to you in under 48 hours. So why, after these 10 days, does someone finally recall that you have a form letter for gifts that you failed to give me WHEN I ASKED?
If my loan falls through despite me proactively seeking your advice on proper procedures and documentation, we are going to have a problem. I acted on your advice and now you say I should have done things differently. Seriously? Fuck you and your incompetence.
Sincerely,
A disgruntled, honest borrower
Dear Introduction to Poetry class:
"Bring in songs that are poetically significant" does not mean "bring in any song you happen to like." I've never heard so many songs that alll sound the same. There was Break-up Rock Song A and Predictable Patriotic Country Song B and that was it, for the last two hours. If you insist on bringing these same two songs to class on Monday, please, do us all a favor and just...euthanize yourselves.
Sincerely,
Your Professor (not really, but I'm quite sure he's thinking the same thing)
Dear Anyone that Goes to School in Washington State:
Have an Orange Julius and don't forget that you live in the second-most beautiful state in the country. Stop freaking out about your classes and go stick your feet in the sand. You're smart and you're talented. Go have some fucking fun and stop worrying about every goddamn thing, fucking goddamn it. ;)
psmith2.0
2010-05-07, 20:02
:lol:
faramirtook
2010-05-08, 10:13
Dear Right Brain,
I understand that you're excited to work on our nutella/banana/espresso dessert idea, be it a variation on brownies, pudding, or tiramisu, but we need all of those creative juices directed at writing this paper right now. Kemal and Füsun are not going to psychoanalyze themselves, you know.
Best,
Left Brain
Dear Left Brain,
I've been trying my hardest to kill you over the years, but you are one resilient motherfucker.
Love ya,
- Right Brain
Dear Right Brain,
If you'd for once stop imagining what our girlfriend would look like with a sprayed-on rubber body outfit you might succeed. I'm not worried in the least about my health, perv. Oh, and you like masturbating way too much. It's not healthy. You're going to break our penis if you're not careful.
Just fucking pass out already, as usual,
- Left Brain
:lol: Anybody else expecting a letter from 709's penis telling his left brain to fuck off?
drewprops
2010-05-09, 19:57
Dear Amazing Race,
Fuck the winners of this round, I wanted the cowboys to win!! :(
...
zsummers
2010-05-10, 13:48
:lol: Anybody else expecting a letter from 709's penis telling his left brain to fuck off?
http://www.montrealfilmjournal.com/img/picb/A0000071.jpg
Dear asshat driving the sage-green Ford Explorer,
Please stop tapping your brakes. Pushing and holding the brake for an average time of one second does not slow you down any significant amount, as shown by me not having to push the brake once while following you down that steep hill. The pouring rain certainly didn't require you to do so either, unless your true goal was to skid into the center divider and die in a fiery explosion. In which case you are also a failure. Moreover it annoys and angers the drivers behind you. Similarly, tapping the brake while turned around and digging for something in the rear foot-well doesn't reassure me of your driving skills either. I can only hope natural selection takes its course quickly, but until then; be vigilant for drivers looking to strangle you.
Sincerely,
Concerned for Your Safety.
Dear CampusFrance,
Please fix your website. I would very much like to register with you so I can register with the French embassy so I can register with the French consulate so I can get my visa. But, until you get your server problems straightened out, I can’t submit the form online.
Thanks
Dear MS Access,
Thank you for crashing and fucking me over again. Die in a fire.
With all my heart,
Ben
Dear car forum troll,
No one likes the posts that you put up and your picture looks like you were a cast member on "Jersey Shore."
Fuck off and die.
Please stop talking now.
Thanks.
-KK
RowdyScot
2010-05-26, 10:25
Dear feet,
I know nerve damage sucks. Can this wait until I get health insurance?
All my love,
Jordan
Dear feet,
I know nerve damage sucks. Can this wait until I get health insurance?
All my love,
Jordan
Dear RowdyScot:
Don't make me break myself off in your ass.
Love,
Your Feet
Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:
Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...
Impatiently,
Robo
RowdyScot
2010-05-26, 10:53
Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:
Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...
Impatiently,
Robo
Dear Robo,
I'm worth the wait! The Fluzzard only glides so fast.
Hurriedly,
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Dear Depression,
I have classes. Classes I need to attend given that each summer session is only 5-6 weeks. I also have people I would like to do things with, and writing projects I would love to work on. You're ruining my life here.
Go die,
Capella
Dear Depression,
I have classes. Classes I need to attend given that each summer session is only 5-6 weeks. I also have people I would like to do things with, and writing projects I would love to work on. You're ruining my life here.
Go die,
Capella
OMG, I know exactly how that goes. Since I just, um, dropped all my Spring classes after having a prolonged breakdown. Yeah.
So, while I'm the last person ever to give advice, and I wouldn't even if I could because having everyone cheerfully give you get-out-of-your-depression-now schemes is really annoying, I do hope you sort through it all.
That you actually *want* to hang out and do things is a good sign, I think. :) Hugz.
Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:
Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...
Impatiently,
Robo
Dear Robo,
The $9 next-day shipping was totally worth it. :p
Regards,
Alternate Universe Robo
(also, Brad)
PS. Given my current rate of progress as an expert Mario gamer, SMG2 still looks to be a solid multi-dozen-hour adventure.
Dear Nintendo,
Hideki Kamiya, of Platinum Games, desperately (http://www.joystiq.com/2010/04/19/platinums-kamiya-wants-to-make-a-new-star-fox-at-gunpoint/) wants to make a new Star Fox game, in the vein of the series' best installment (64, duh). Let him.
Also, I hate to break this to you, but Fox and Falco are totally Ho Yay. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HoYay) It's practically canon, (http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/070109.jpg) and introducing that Krystal chick in subsequent installments hasn't fooled anybody. Let it go.
Sincerely,
Someone who want's a new f'ing Star Fox.
El Gallo
2010-05-26, 23:00
Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:
Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...
Impatiently,
Robo
Dear Robo:
Do not go walk out into an ice field, bury yourself up to your neck and try to place yourself suspended animation to make the time before the release of SMG2 more tolerable. You must learn patience.
Please heed my warning,
25th Century Robo
RowdyScot
2010-05-26, 23:49
Dear Nintendo,
Hideki Kamiya, of Platinum Games, desperately (http://www.joystiq.com/2010/04/19/platinums-kamiya-wants-to-make-a-new-star-fox-at-gunpoint/) wants to make a new Star Fox game, in the vein of the series' best installment (64, duh). Let him.
Also, I hate to break this to you, but Fox and Falco are totally Ho Yay. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HoYay) It's practically canon, (http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/070109.jpg) and introducing that Krystal chick in subsequent installments hasn't fooled anybody. Let it go.
Sincerely,
Someone who want's a new f'ing Star Fox.
Favorite. VGCats. Evar. ^_^
If I had, like, a $20 prepaid phone, I would have let him make a call. I've done that before. But an iPhone? Erm, no. I actually don't think he was a phone bandit or anything, but I'm not going to take that chance just so a stranger can make a phone call without getting off the bus.
I've had a smartphone stolen from me before :( so maybe I'm just cautious but seriously, that's like asking to "borrow" someone's watch these days. I'm not going to give someone something I can't afford to replace. Also, the last time I let someone on a bus borrow an iPod, it was somebody I knew and it still came back with two huge scratches on the screen. So yeah.
I would have given him change for payphone, if he asked. I'm not, like, a scrooge, and I know what it's like to need to make a call and not be able to (especially since, uh, my phone was dying!). But my expensive electrons are mine, sorry dude.
Hahahahaha.
OK, so I was at a restaurant when this girl comes up to me and asks to borrow my phone. It was a $20 prepaid phone since I decided not to get data on my iPhone any more and just use it as an iPod touch. So, true to my word above, I say yes.
She kept on trying to call people to come pick her up; apparently she was at a party that turned sour after her friends had too much booze and drugs and she got scared. I don't think she was having much luck in getting a ride though. She kept the phone for a long time, hoping for a call back or something until suddenly she went to the restroom. When she returned she said she was so so so sorry but she had dropped the phone in the toilet and it had been flushed away before she could do anything.
Sure. :D
Oddly, I think she expected me to get really mad at her and make a scene, I mean I was irritated but I think she was surprised by my lack of response. But, I mean, it's an $11.99 phone; people have stolen more valuable lunches from me. As often goes with those things, I'm more annoyed that she thought I believed her silly excuse, but if she's used to scary parties and people overreacting than I guess I can understand why she'd tell stories. I just wanted to be, like, "Girl, look. You're young and scared and you don't want to walk home, alone, without a phone. I get that. Just bolt for the door or something next time, don't make up excuses because that's like telling me you think I'm dumb enough to believe them and I'm not."
Although, I suppose I did hand her the phone. :\
I felt bad for her more than anything, she seemed to have a pretty fucked up life. I mean, I don't have many friends, but at least I don't have those kinds of "friends."
As an object lesson, it was well worth the twelve dollars. :)
Gargoyle
2010-06-06, 14:39
Dear Flint,
I'm sorry, I never appreciated you or told you enough times that I loved you!
We have gone down our separate paths, but sometimes I am not sure I am on the right path.
G.
Old timers might remember this one... (http://ga.rgoyle.com/an/flint.png)
Dear new house lawn,
You've done nothing but aggravate me and cause body aches the past two weeks.
Go fuck yourself.
Signed,
Me
Dear Pixar:
Trying to say which of your movies is the best is difficult. Each one of them is made with so much loving care, so much attention to detail and so much great storytelling that it sort of puts all your movies on a level separate from everybody else.
Sure, some of them are better than others, but that's relative. Even your worst movie is better than almost anything any other studio can produce. I've watched all your movies, and I've decided which one I like the best, and I'm writing to you to ask - nay, to beg - for a sequel.
You are one of the rare studios to whom the "sequel rule" does not seem to apply. Even your sequels are better than the first rate efforts from other studios. And clearly with the release of Toy Story 3, you are not opposed to making sequels in principle.
You see, I was channel surfing today, and one of your movies was playing. I stopped to watch it for a second and almost immediately decided I wanted to watch the whole thing. So I turned my DVR off, popped in the DVD of said movie and watched it beginning to end. What a masterpiece. What a compelling story, what a brilliant film.
I'm asking, Pixar, for a sequel to The Incredibles. I want it, you want it, and millions of other people want it.
Make it so.
Love,
Just a Man Who Loves Great Movies
You are one of the rare studios to whom the "sequel rule" does not seem to apply.
To be fair, they have released all of one sequel so far.
With three more currently on their release schedule, I'm not sure I share your enthusiasm for another, but I agree that The Incredibles was brilliant and that even on an off year Pixar is leagues ahead of any other American animation studio (with the possible exception of Disney itself, as The Princess and the Frog was probably better than Pixar's weakest effort.*)
Still, an Incredibles 2 would make more sense than Monsters Inc. 2, I mean geez. WTF Jobs? :lol:
From A Fellow Pixar Nerd,
Robo
* A Bug's Life.
Dear BP,
Fuck you.
— Humanity
Dear People in front of me in the Drive-Through Teller Line,
Please have your deposit ready to send through the sucky-tuby-thingy before you get to it. Really‽ You don't have a deposit slip‽ Really‽ You don't know your account number‽ Really‽ Maybe you should have parked and gone inside, where you can get complete customer service‽ All of you took so long that the other ass-hat in front of me ran out of gas while he was in front of the teller! Really‽ Maybe you should have parked and gone inside, where you wouldn't have used the last of your gas‽
Thanks,
Eric
Dear EmC,
‽
You missed one.
-Robo
Dear Robo,
Where‽
-Eric
:lol:
Dear kid next door "practicing" vuvuzela,
One day, I shall strangle you, shove the entire instrument down your throat and publish it all on YouTube.
Love,
Concerned Chuckers For America
Dear kid next door "practicing" vuvuzela,
One day, I shall strangle you, shove the entire instrument down your throat and publish it all on YouTube.
Love,
Concerned Chuckers For America
My neighbors are blasting disgusting rap from their car outside my window, and Capella's classroom is making a piercing high-pitched whine, but we decided that you win. Hell is other vuvuzela.
Dear Car Alarms,
I fucking hate all of you and your obnoxious fucking noises.
love,
homo sapien who wants just a little peace and quiet.
Dear South Carolina,
I had heard stories about how bass ackwards you are, but until I experienced it myself, I didn't know how truthful those statements.
Fireworks stands : South Carolina :: Dunkin Donuts : New England
Sincerely,
Kieran
(and yes, I used that statement on Twitter yesterday, but since 99% of people here don't follow me on Twitter, it's fine.)
OK, I hope I don't offend people by saying this, but there is something undeniably creepy about hearing small children randomly break out into super-dedicated hymns.
It's like, no. Don't sing about how you're giving Deity X your soul when you're seven and have no idea what you're saying. I hate kids, but if you're seven, you're not a wretched sinner who needs to be redeemed by the blood (!) of Deity X, you're a kid. You're not supposed to give your life to Deity X. You're not supposed to be a soldier for Deity X, or a mindless tool for His will. You're seven. You're supposed to, idunno, play hopscotch or something, or watch the shitty cartoons that will make a big-screen comeback twenty years from now, so you have the proper nostalgia then.
And if you're a parent, don't make your kid sing those sorts of songs. It's depressing. If you don't see why, replace Deity X above with Deity Y, the satanic one that you hate. See how much more sinister they all sound? Kids should not be programmed to sing that Deity Y is their everything before they have any idea what they're saying, or that Deity Y is their potter and that they are merely clay. It's sick. I "get" that you think your Deity is the right one, just like everyone else does, and that you think your kids just sound so angelic when they sing His praises, but stop. They have no idea what they're saying.
I just really love music, and I hate hearing it used to ruin people.
Jack out.
Dear kid next door "practicing" vuvuzela,
One day, I shall strangle you, shove the entire instrument down your throat and publish it all on YouTube.
Love,
Concerned Chuckers For AmericaCoincidence? (http://xkcd.com/757/) I think not.
"Hello, can I speak to Jack please?"
"Yes?"
"No, I'm sorry, can I speak to Jack please?"
"Uh, yes, this is he."
"Oh, sorry. You don't sound like a Jack!"
"...sorry?"
:|
Dear [site] representative,
Take note: Opening a sales call with the above conversation will not make me want to buy things from you. When you're in sales -- and forgive me if I'm being abstruse here -- when you're in sales, it's usually a good idea not to piss off the person you're selling to.
Also: your domains were overpriced, anyway.
Yours,
Really Jack (honest)
I think the rep was actually asking for Jack Nicholson and was expecting you to go all "Heeeerre's Johnny!" ?
:p
At least that'd turn the table back on the stupid reps. :D
psmith2.0
2010-06-28, 12:55
Dear Everyone Who Doesn't Use Turn Signals (Especially Since They're Mounted Right There on the Steering Column Area Where Your Hands are Already Located, Mere Inches Away),
You're all a-holes.
Love,
Paul
Dear Houston,
I know Rice Village has practically no parking, but double-parking is. not. cool.
Please stop.
Sincerely,
Boxed In.
faramirtook
2010-06-28, 14:59
Dear Everyone Who Doesn't Use Turn Signals (Especially Since They're Mounted Right There on the Steering Column Area Where Your Hands are Already Located, Mere Inches Away),
You're all a-holes.
Love,
Paul
PS: Really. You really all are a-holes.
Best,
faramirtook
Dear Everyone Who Doesn't Use Turn Signals (Especially Since They're Mounted Right There on the Steering Column Area Where Your Hands are Already Located, Mere Inches Away),
You're all a-holes.
Love,
Paul
Particularly the subsection of people who don't use turn signals when there are no cars around because "bicycles and pedestrians don't need to know."
drewprops
2010-06-28, 16:33
Dear person,
I fired you last week.
[scalding details redacted before posting because it's simply not worth the energy]
...
psmith2.0
2010-06-28, 18:24
Dear Subway,
You cannot hire people with OCD and then schedule them to work the 5:00-7:00 rush-hour/evening dinner shift. It's a cruel trick on all involved. The place is enough of a zoo then as it is, so having someone take 3-5 minutes to dress each of the stacked-and-racked 8-10 sandwiches in front of me is pretty much a no-go.
:grumble:
If the people eating the things don't care about the tomatoes lining up within 2mm tolerance, or there being an even number of pickles and olives spaced just perfectly around the perimeter so as to contrast beautifully with the deep amber tones of the bread and provide an obstacle course to squirt the sauce around, then the employee certainly shouldn't concern themselves with such matters. Throw on some meat and veggies, squirt a few things, wrap it up and go!
It's fast food. If I want to wait 30 or so minutes for something to eat, I'll drive out to the mall and go to Outback or Chili's for dinner, where it's kinda expected.
I've never stood in a Subway line for half an hour, but I now know what it's like. And it pretty much sucks. I felt really bad for 6-8 people behind me. If they get home in time for the 11:00 news, it'll be a miracle.
Yours in tuna,
Paul
Dear Subway,
You cannot hire people with OCD and then schedule them to work the 5:00-7:00 rush-hour/evening dinner shift. It's a cruel trick on all involved. The place is enough of a zoo then as it is, so having someone take 3-5 minutes to dress each of stacked-and-racked 8-10 sandwiches in front of me is pretty much a no-go.
:grumble:
If the people eating the things don't care about the tomatoes lining up within 2mm tolerance, or there being an even number of pickles and olives spaced just perfectly around the perimeter so as to contrast beautifully with the deep amber tones of the bread and provide an obstacle course to squirt the sauce around, then the employee certainly shouldn't concern themselves with such matters. Throw on some veggies, squirt a few things, wrap it and go!
It's fast food. If I want to wait 30 or so minutes for something to eat, I'll drive out to the mall and go to Outback or Chili's for dinner.
I've never stood in a Subway line for half an hour, but I now know what it's like. And it pretty much sucks. I felt really bad for 6-8 people behind me. If they get home in time for the 11:00 news, it'll be a miracle.
Yours in tuna,
Paul
Aww.
Maybe they were new? Also, Subway did just start tessellating their cheeses. So maybe that threw off the sandwich-maker-person?
Or maybe they were just OC. I could never again work in fast food, for pretty much that exact reason. :lol: (That and the meat preparation thing. And the low pay, and the pressure, and the way everybody looks down on you :o).
psmith2.0
2010-06-28, 18:45
It doesn't matter. You can't stand there and meticulously lay out pickles - to the point of even picking some of them up and relaying them back down, or nudging them over 1/8th of an inch for better symmetry (which she was doing, numerous times over several sandwiches). It's not that kind of gig, new or not.
If you can't look up, see the 10-14 people standing in line, and take that as a hint to maybe pick up the pace and holster your artistic/designer tendencies, you might be in the wrong job.
Her co-worker seemed a little exasperated as well, so perhaps she'll tell her later when the crowds die down.
"You know, we need to zoom a little more during these crunch times...".
:)
I don't "look down" on anybody, mind you (and I'm glad she's not out sucking dick or slinging dope to pay her bills...so she's obviously got that part of life figured out). But there's a time to be slow, detailed, into your "craft" and go for maximum visual impact. And then there's a time to set all that aside and crank it into gear and lay it down.
:D
Stick her in the back, stocking or prepping. Or out front wiping tables and so forth. But not on the 5:00-7:00 afternoon rush where dozens come in (often ordering multiple sandwiches). At least not until she gets the speed up a bit (hell, she doesn't even have to be fast...she simply can't stand there and make each sandwich a four-minute arts and crafts project).
That's all I'm saying.
It doesn't matter. You can't sit there and meticulously lay out pickles - to the point of even picking some of them up and relaying them down, or nudging them over 1/8th of an inch for better symmetry. It's not that kind of deal, new or not.
If you can't look up, see the 10-14 people standing in line, and take that as a hint to maybe pick up the pace and holster your artistic/designer tendencies, you might be in the wrong gig.
Her co-worker seemed a little exasperated as well, so perhaps she'll tell her later when the crowds die down.
:)
I'm guessing it was probably her first day and she was probably just super nervous and over-worried about making a mistake. That's not uncommon for new people at any gig where they're essentially disposable (although even I wasn't that bad :lol:). And I'm sure she will get talked to about that, later.
Oh, and you know I wasn't talking about you. :)
psmith2.0
2010-06-28, 19:01
Well, I wasn't mean to her (I wouldn't do that), and she'll learn, one way or the other, that she can't sweat the angles, symmetry and lines so much...not at 6:15pm with a line halfway to the door. :)
There's another young lady who works there, and she's almost too fast. I'm afraid she's going to slice her hand off some day...her hands are a blur when she's going at it, and she sometimes gets a little ahead of herself and puts the wrong stuff on! :eek: So somewhere between her and the one I had tonight would be a nice, reasonable middle-ground. :p
Dear NewEgg,
The A/C units I ordered from you can't come soon enough, and I hope it's tomorrow as UPS claims. This 90º+ heat, humidity, top floor apartment, no A/C, bedroom windows facing ESE and living room windows facing WNW == :wtf: + two cold showers per day. On the brightside, we don't have any guests in town until tomorrow, so at least it's acceptable to lounge around in just my boxers with a fan pointed directly at me all times.
love,
me.
ps—Ms Summer, I recant all that nonsense about wanting you to come early. For now, you can fuck right off.
Well, I wasn't mean to her (I wouldn't do that), and she'll learn, one way or the other, that she can't sweat the angles, symmetry and lines so much...not at 6:15pm with a line halfway to the door. :)
There's another young lady who works there, and she's almost too fast. I'm afraid she's going to slice her hand off some day...her hands are a blur when she's going at it, and she sometimes gets a little ahead of herself and puts the wrong stuff on! :eek: So somewhere between her and the one I had tonight would be a nice, reasonable middle-ground. :p
I’m remember getting into a rhythm like that last summer when I worked on prep at a sandwich place here. Slicing forty pounds of roast beef a day can get a little boring, and once you get going you end up on autopilot. Always had to shake myself out of that, especially with the commercial sized deli slicer we used. :eek:
Let me set the scene.
I'm wearing a faux vintáge tee with a giant rainbow maple leaf on it, above indigo-washed Gap 1969s. I have these (http://www.amazon.com/ROXY-JBL-Reference-Ear-Headphone/dp/B0028N7OLK/) hot pink/orange cans on, the left of which has a giant "XY" on it. They're plugged into my white iPhone, which is in the side pocket of my manbag. So.
Dear Fat Kid Who Passed Me On The Sidewalk And Loudly Proclaimed, "You Look GAY!"
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b4/Choco_chip_cookie.png/200px-Choco_chip_cookie.png
Have yourself a cookie.
Robo
(Last pride post, I promise! And I'm normally not quite so faggy. To my credit, I wasn't wearing my purple Chucks. :p)
Dear Idiot Drivers,
I'm riding my bike to most local destinations this summer. I signal my stops and turns, maintain situational awareness, and follow the rules of the road. I suggest that you should to.
That means you, Mister Green 1996 Honda Accord with Trashy Ground Effects and Racing Stripes who told me to "watch where I'm going" after you pealed out around a corner without checking for the biker crossing the top of the t-intersection.
And you aren't off the hook either, Mister Mid-2000s Mazda 3 who made clear eye contact with me as I was biking through the intersection you were waiting at, proceeded to drive forward, slam on the brakes as if you hadn't seen me coming, and then made a face at me as if it was my fault. When you stop at an intersection, you're supposed to wait for the people already in the intersection to pass through it, then take your turn and go.
Cheers,
Batman
As an addendum, to the lady on the bike who was riding in the road, passed several stopped cars, and rode through a red light at a busy intersection: don't! If you're going to ride in the road, follow the rules! People like you make drivers think that all bikers are like you, leading to frustrating situations (see above) for people like me.
/vent
As an addendum, to the lady on the bike who was riding in the road, passed several stopped cars, and rode through a red light at a busy intersection: don't! If you're going to ride in the road, follow the rules! People like you make drivers think that all bikers are like you, leading to frustrating situations (see above) for people like me.
That shit really gets my goat. Nearly all of my biker friends are always up in arms about how they don't get any respect on the road, but when I ask them every one has said they blow through red lights if "they think it's safe."
psmith2.0
2010-06-29, 07:44
(Last pride post, I promise!
I seriously, seriously doubt it...
And I'm normally not quite so faggy
Yeah, you've been on fire the past few days. :\ :p
I seriously, seriously doubt it...
Well, it was. Ha!
Yeah, you've been on fire the past few days. :\ :p
Well, June is (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_16) a pretty (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_22) significant month (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_27) for me, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_28) in that regard. So yeah. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SoYeah)
I was mainly referring to my dress sense, though. I don't normally wear rainbow maple leafs. :p
psmith2.0
2010-07-03, 15:25
Dear Grocery Stores,
It does absolutely no good to have those 3-5 automated "self-checkout" stations if the crazy things never work right. If I have to ring up and bag my own stuff and then go stand in line just to get my change from an employee at some other location in the store (because the change dispenser on the self-serve machine is broken...again, and with no sign or indication), then I'm really not saving any time. And it's really not a "convenient feature for your valued customers", is it?
No, it's not.
Don't offer "convenient, time-saving" machines when they're usually anything but. Maybe someone should go through, a couple of times a day, and make sure they're stocked with change? You know, so when I stick in a $20 for a $17.28 bill, I don't have to stand behind all the complainers, check-cashers, money order-getters, jibber-jabber artists, etc. at the main service desk for 10-15 minutes to get my $2.72. The same $2.72 that should've been spit out, automatically, by the machine I chose to use so I didn't have to stand in your usual asshole-filled checkout lines of coupon abusers, no-pen-having check writers, last-minute item forgetters, no-ID beer buyers and argue-over-a-.04¢-discrepancy types.
Yours,
Paul
PS - If I could just order food online and somehow have it injected directly into my neck from my cable modem, I would rather do that than go to just about any grocery store these days. It's one of my least favorite things to do. Too bad about that whole "gotta eat to live" thing...
Dear Microsoft,
You just killed your Kin project, right? Then why the heck am I only now seeing TV comercials for it?! No, seriously, I just caught one on Comedy Central. Wtf, man?
Confused,
Occasional TV Viewer
Dear Microsoft,
You just killed your Kin project, right? Then why the heck am I only now seeing TV comercials for it?! No, seriously, I just caught one on Comedy Central. Wtf, man?
Confused,
Occasional TV Viewer
How is anyone watching Comedy Central inside the Kin's target market, anyway? They should advertise that abomination during Gossip Girl reruns, and that's it.
psmith2.0
2010-07-03, 15:36
:lol:
Seriously?
Ohmigosh...
You know what would be sad/funny? If these commercials actually stirred up genuine desire and interest (yeah, the first time in MIcrosoft's advertising history, but just play along anyway...), and people only then learn "what, they're not making them? Then WTF was I seeing on TV this morning?! I was coming to buy six of them for my family!"
:D
Microsoft could've had a legit, genuine hit on their hands...and they went and screwed it up pre-release! The only time people wanted something from them that they went and decided not to make.
Sounds about right, and par for the course (although usually it has to hit the streets a bit before people deem it a clueless dud).
Microsoft. We save you the trouble.™
psmith2.0
2010-07-03, 15:46
Dear Kids in the Pool,
I know it's wet and the cool water feels great on such a warm, humid day. But do you have to do that shrill, constant squealing and screaming for no apparent reason, all live-long day? Splash, laugh, yell "whee!" every once in a while, etc. That's all great, and totally expected and acceptable. I'm not being unreasonable, or asking for "silence", after all.
Please, just ease up on the ear-piercing, dog-range screeching (when you're not hurt, scared, drowning, etc.) that only water-winged four-year-olds seem capable of producing. It's really annoying after the 320th time this afternoon.
You're killing me. If you don't knock it off, I'm going to take you grocery shopping.
Signed,
Wishing I Had Some Earmuffs
PS - I'm having one hell of a day, it seems. :D
Dear Grocery Stores,
It does absolutely no good to have those 3-5 automated "self-checkout" stations if the crazy things never work right. If I have to ring up and bag my own stuff and then go stand in line just to get my change from an employee at some other location in the store (because the change dispenser on the self-serve machine is broken...again, and with no sign or indication), then I'm really not saving any time. And it's really not a "convenient feature for your valued customers", is it?
No, it's not.
Don't offer "convenient, time-saving" machines when they're usually anything but. Maybe someone should go through, a couple of times a day, and make sure they're stocked with change? You know, so when I stick in a $20 for a $17.28 bill, I don't have to stand behind all the complainers, check-cashers, money order-getters, jibber-jabber artists, etc. at the main service desk for 10-15 minutes to get my $2.72. The same $2.72 that should've been spit out, automatically, by the machine I chose to use so I didn't have to stand in your usual asshole-filled checkout lines of coupon abusers, no-pen-having check writers, last-minute item forgetters, no-ID beer buyers and argue-over-a-.04¢-discrepancy types.
Yours,
Paul
PS - If I could just order food online and somehow have it injected directly into my neck from my cable modem, I would rather do that than go to just about any grocery store these days. It's one of my least favorite things to do. Too bad about that whole "gotta eat to live" thing...
Do you have a check card you can use instead of cash?
Dear Grocery Stores,
It does absolutely no good to have those 3-5 automated "self-checkout" stations if the crazy things never work .
Unexpected item in the posting area:
That's the bit that drives me insane: if you don't trust your customers not to steal your stuff, then don't install self-checkouts. Don't go installing bullishit "anti-theft" systems that overreact to the slightest stepping outside of the "normal".
PS - If I could just order food online and somehow have it injected directly into my neck from my cable modem, I would rather do that than go to just about any grocery store these days. It's one of my least favorite things to do. Too bad about that whole "gotta eat to live" thing...
Two words: robotic avatar.
Dear Kids in the Pool,
I know it's wet and the cool water feels great on such a warm, humid day. But do you have to do that shrill, constant squealing and screaming for no apparent reason, all live-long day? Splash, laugh, yell "whee!" every once in a while, etc. That's all great, and totally expected and acceptable. I'm not being unreasonable, or asking for "silence", after all.
Please, just ease up on the ear-piercing, dog-range screeching (when you're not hurt, scared, drowning, etc.) that only water-winged four-year-olds seem capable of producing. It's really annoying after the 320th time this afternoon.
Two more: selective audition laser beams.
Think about it.
psmith2.0
2010-07-03, 17:33
I'll take those under advisement.
Unexpected item in the posting area:
That's the bit that drives me insane: if you don't trust your customers not to steal your stuff, then don't install self-checkouts. Don't go installing bullishit "anti-theft" systems that overreact to the slightest stepping outside of the "normal".
The few times I use those self-checkouts, it's when I'm only getting one or two small things, which I plan to just carry out in my hands. They always refuse to scan the next item until I put the current item in a fucking bag and it senses the weight of my pack of gum. :no:
The few times I use those self-checkouts, it's when I'm only getting one or two small things, which I plan to just carry out in my hands. They always refuse to scan the next item until I put the current item in a fucking bag and it senses the weight of my pack of gum. :no:
On mine there's a button that says "skip bagging." Yours don't?
Maybe, but why should I press a button for every item? Can't they just trust me? And if not, why let me check out myself? One or the fucking other.
Ikea's self-checkout has none of the "weight sensor" bullshit and the experience is approximately 95% better for it. Good work, Swedes!
Right, I hear where your coming from.
The frustrating bit is when I'm in line, I know how to work the system, but the people in front of me keep making mistakes. I wish the grocery industry would move to an RF ID system so that we could just walk out with our stuff and swipe a card...
psmith2.0
2010-07-03, 20:22
When the self-checker station works, it's really nice. For whatever reason (because it's never working and doling out change, I guess), there's never anyone at them when I go. And this store is kinda bad about short-staffing, so they'll have two checkout lanes - if we're lucky - during a Friday, around 6:00pm (I know... :err: ), so I always see those four wide-open self-checkers and think "okay, I can roll the dice here or go over there and stand in line for at least 10-15 minutes".
When everything's working and the machine is all loaded up properly, it's a breeze.
Ikea's self-checkout has none of the "weight sensor" bullshit and the experience is approximately 95% better for it. Good work, Swedes!
I love shopping at IKEA for this very reason. I can just go in, grab what I need, and buy it without ever being hassled to apply for a credit card or any bullshit (whether I go through the self-check or not). There's enough staffers so that if I have a question I can get an answer in seconds, but otherwise they stay out of my way and let me shop. :)
IKEA is the only store that I visit with regularity and have not once had a bad experience at.* Everyone is always all smiles, and like super knowledgeable too. I've gone in and mentioned a single item that hadn't been in their catalog for years and they knew exactly what I was talking about and informed me that, yes, it had been discontinued. I've gone in looking for one specific just-discontinued textile and a guy took the time to help me look all over for it and mentioned he thought he had seen it in the As-Is department, where they (sure enough!) had exactly one package of it in just the size I needed. And when my mom tripped and fell down a bunch of people ran up to her to make sure she was okay and they immediately started cleaning up her spilled soda and offered her a new one and offered to fetch a chair, if she wanted one. They have almost eerily good service. It's like a cult. :lol:
So, uh, IKEA:
Keep up the good work!
Robo, aka That One Asshole Who Always Pain-in-the-Ass Questions :D
*Yes, this includes Apple Stores, where I've had several bad experiences. I've never had a bad experience at my local indie Mac store, but I've only been there a few times.
When the self-checker station works, it's really nice. For whatever reason (because it's never working and doling out change, I guess), there's never anyone at them when I go. And this store is kinda bad about short-staffing, so they'll have two checkout lanes - if we're lucky - during a Friday, around 6:00pm (I know... :err: ), so I always see those four wide-open self-checkers and think "okay, I can roll the dice here or go over there and stand in line for at least 10-15 minutes".
When everything's working and the machine is all loaded up properly, it's a breeze.
I'm telling you, man: check cards FTW!
ShadowOfGed
2010-07-03, 22:29
Robo, aka That One Asshole Who Always Pain-in-the-Ass Questions :D
This title no verb!
Yes, this includes Apple Stores, where I've had several bad experiences.
Sad! What happened?
Robo, aka That One Asshole Who Always Pain-in-the-Ass Questions :D
This title no verb!
"Questions" could be the verb. "Pain-in-the-Ass" could be modifying that verb.
ie.
Robo, aka That One Asshole Who Always Pain-in-the-Ass Questions in a Pain-in-the-Ass manner.
…
Maybe.
Nah. I just fucked up. :D
That happens sometimes, when I go back and edit my posts before posting. I rewrote that part several times.
As for what happened at the Apple Store, I've just had to deal with a few condescending employees, like the worst elitist-Mac-user stereotype. Vegas people: the Town Square store is awesome. The Fashion Show is not.
Dear RedBox,
I like your business strategy. Really. I do. I think it's brilliant.
But making me sit through 14 minutes 10 seconds worth of unskippable FBI warnings advertisements, PSAs and trailers is absolutely maddening. You didn't do this earlier. What happened? Is $1 a DVD a night not enough to cover your costs? Or did you get greedy?
Please stop.
Matt
***************************
Dear DVD designers and implementors,
Fuck you.
That's all.
Matt
Dear DVD designers and implementors,
Fuck you.
That's all.
Matt
Blu-ray has spoiled me, and the same DVD menus I thought were so cool a decade ago (I'm looking at you, The Matrix!) now seem bothersome and clunky. Although, in some cases, it's nice that you can watch them instead of the film ("Hmm, I forgot what happened in The Matrix Revolutions...").
Which brings me to:
Dear Wachowskis,
What the fuck happened with The Matrix Revolutions? :(
You know something is wrong when the series got worse when you added the giant mecha. :eek:
Robo
solstace
2010-07-09, 05:58
Dear Apple
Enough with the usual "launch a product then have no stock" thing already. It causes a buzz on forums and creates a demand™. It also p!55es off many potential (and existing) customers.
Oh and O2, your stock-keeping sucks.
Yours,
etc.
____________________
Dear Customer Support drones:
Closing a case as "solved" when it isn't is just plain rude, whatever the process designer has to think about it.
Yours,
etc.
_________________
Dear Customer Services Process and/or software designers:
Don't make a process that needs an open case to be closed by the agent, then reopened by the customer, in order for the customer's reply to be flagged up to the techsupport team for further action. It sucks and it looks plain rude. In the worst sense.
Thanks,
etc.
Dear people who don't ever say what you actually mean but instead drop little hints every now and then and then later get mad at the people who didn't pick up on the hints because in reality not everybody hangs on your every word:
Fuck you.
Succinctly yours,
Robo
Seriously, though. There are people in my family who, if their legs suddenly seized up while swimming in a pool, would say "My, swimming sure can be tiring!" and "Lifeguard, I really do admire that flotation device of yours!" and then drown.
Seriously, though. There are people in my family who, if their legs suddenly seized up while swimming in a pool, would say "My, swimming sure can be tiring!" and "Lifeguard, I really do admire that flotation device of yours!" and then drown.
:lol:
<3
Robo, given their propensity for understatement, you probably should report them to INS so they can deport them back to England, where they belong. ;)
Dear Xiu Xiu,
Your free show today where all you played were covers from Joy Division's album 'Unknown Pleasures' gets two thumbs up. Also, the girl who plays keyboard is adorably cute.
cheers,
Satiated fan.
Dear organizers of aforementioned show,
Whose fucking insane idea was it to have one line to get wristbands for beer just so you would have to wait in a different line a hundred feet away to actually buy beer?
Love,
Person who refrained from beer.
Dear Assholes,
Saying "no offense" after making an extremely offensive statement does not actually guarantee that there will be no offense. It is not like tag, where simply declaring yourself "not it" is enough to make it so.
Also, saying "no offense" can in and of itself cause offense, if it is hastily added to an otherwise inoffensive statement, in a way that implies that you think the offend-ee could/should have taken offense, when they actually didn't.
I'm not (believe it or not!) easily offended. I visit websites just to read the uproariously offensive things stupid people say, which is amusing (well, until you realize they vote). But somehow, those split seconds where close friends and family members slip up and reveal what they actually think -- under the guise of being "inoffensive," no less -- are way worse than anything on FSTDT. (Well, except for my family members on FSTDT.)
:(
Robo
FSTDT
Fundie Sinners That Don't Think?
Free Shows of Tango Dancing on Thursday?
Fart! Shit! Turd! Dookie! Tourette's?
Fanatics Supporting The Devil's Timetable?
Franklin! Stop That Drunken Tattooist?
Friends Sharing Titillating Discretionary Tales?
Food Scientists Transmogrifying Diabetic Triglycerides?
Ferocious Scab-Thrashing Diminutive Tigers?
Fortune Saves The Dumbest Trash?
Facts? Still, They Don't Trust?
French Soldiers Tricked by Dutch Terrorists?
Flutists Sweating, Timidly Discussing Tambourines?
Four Songs To Die To?
Favorite Star Trek DS9 Trill?
Fork Steak 'Til Done. Tasty?
Fighting Sugary Tooth Decay Today?
Funny Sarcasm Tricks Distract Teachers?
Financed Stocks Today Depreciate Tomorrow?
Fools Selling Tracts to Dissuade Thinking?
/google
ooooh that.
I like mine better.
OK, that was funny. :D
I'm partial to "Franklin, stop that drunken tattooist!" myself. :p
And yes, close family members of mine have actually been quoted on Fundies Say the Darndest Things. No, no links.
Dear IT Department,
Thank you for blocking me from FSTDT.net Who knows what kind of depravity awaits there? (Not me, that's for sure!*)
Thanks
Bryson
* = Until I get home, obviously.
Dear IT Department, (again)
If it's that big a problem, you might want to see why I can access it on the wi-fi network, just not on the cabled network.
Or maybe it isn't offensive if you filter it through the air first?
Cheers
Bryson
psmith2.0
2010-07-14, 12:07
Dear Bryson,
Do your work and quit worrying about some silly-ass website you shouldn't even be visiting while you're on my time.
Sincerely,
The Boss (and the IT Department)
:p
Aha! But I am likely to respond!
Dear The Powers That Be At Applenova,
The thread is entitled "Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond".
Some letters has been responded to. Should those be moved out into a thread titled "Open Letters to People or Entities Who Responded"?
Thank you,
A Concerned Poster
;)
billybobsky
2010-07-14, 20:07
Dear Girl I Really Like and Want to Get to Know Better,
I opened up to you and you found your way outside of my front door the morning after. We had a nice conversation that ended abruptly, and since then you haven't sent or said one word to me. At the very least please tell me what you are thinking, please?
A confused guy...
Edit:
Dear Socially Awkward Girl Who Took Two Days to Tell Me You Are Sort of Dating Someone Else,
Thanks, for that. It needn't have taken so long. I wish you all the best.
PS. Why am I so attracted to women like you?
ATTN Musicians:
Tell Me Where It Hurts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnKt8i_ppRs) by Garbage is the perfect song. Yup, somebody made it already. So the rest of you can stop now. You should probably find new hobbies or something.
:p
Robo
Dear computer science researchers across the globe:
Do not, repeat NOT, use Comic Sans to present technical material. Seriously, in this field you should be smart enough to understand LaTeX. Use that knowledge.
edit: I take that back. You appear to have written the presentation in LaTeX and then manually overridden the default Computer Modern font. WHY! :wtf:
Dear computer science researchers across the globe:
Do not, repeat NOT, use Comic Sans to present technical material. Seriously, in this field you should be smart enough to understand LaTeX. Use that knowledge.
T,FTFY!
(It's thankfully impossible to use Comic Sans...MS on AppleNova. Try typing Comic Sans...MS without the ellipsis. ;))
BuonRotto
2010-07-15, 16:24
Dear Bitch Who Is Trying to Get My Wife Fired,
I never met a certifiable ADHD *and* OCD patient rolled together like you before. You take the cake. I hope your boobs drop to your knees and stink bugs crawl out of your brown nose straight up the boss's anus and fall our his mouth (you're that far up there).
Dear Chicago Transit Authority,
I want to get home. It's a modest request, and it's something that you can usually handle. But I've been stuck in this infernal underground station for the past 40 minutes with 300 others. That little 4-car train you sent ten minutes ago? Yeah, it was already full. Perhaps a quarter of the folks here made it on.
I'm mad. I'm hot. And I'm tired. Do what I pay you to do, please?
Much obliged, Matt
PS: oh you have got to be fucking kidding me! You send my train on the wrong side of the platform? And don't give us a chance to get on? Infuriating.
PPS: Good god that took forever. My normal 20-30 minute (max) commute took 1 hour and 35 minutes. If I'd have known I would have _walked_ the 5 miles to my house in that time. :mad:
Dear Senator Schumer:
As an elected representative, I would certainly hope you have better things to do with your time than to stoop to Gizmodo's level and grandstand about 'antennagate.' (http://schumer.senate.gov/record.cfm?id=326405&)
Seriously, cut that shit out. I highly doubt your constituents voted for you so you could debate Steve Jobs over the finer points of antenna design.
-Kraetos
As an elected representative, I would certainly hope you have better things to do with your time than to stoop to
You're kidding, right? :confused: Grandstanding and preaching half-truths to the masses, whether they need to hear them or not, is what most politicians do "best". This guy just guaranteed his seat for the next election.
Dear wireless router manufacturers,
FOADIAF. I hate you all :mad: :mad: :mad:
Srsly, why are wireless routers so dumb? I consider myself a reasonably tech-savvy individual but they're still a pain in the ass to set up and even when you set them up they just randomly decide to stop working for no reason whatsoever. They're a gift from Satan to make us miserable :mad:
You're kidding, right? :confused: Grandstanding and preaching half-truths to the masses, whether they need to hear them or not, is what most politicians do "best". This guy just guaranteed his seat for the next election.
Yes, you're very correct, and I'm totally aware that he's doing it just to seem in touch with his voters, but for fucks sake. It's a phone. There are actual problems that need solving.
And yes, he is a class 3 senator, meaning he is up for reelection in November.
Dear wireless router manufacturers,
FOADIAF. I hate you all :mad: :mad: :mad:
AirPort. The AirPort utility is amazingly straightforward.
AirPort. The AirPort utility is amazingly straightforward.
I don't have $180 :(
psmith2.0
2010-07-17, 07:47
Do you have $69? (http://store.apple.com/us/product/FB321LL/A?mco=MTA4MjcyODY)
Do you have $69? (http://store.apple.com/us/product/FB321LL/A?mco=MTA4MjcyODY)
And a lack of devices that need to be plugged in by Ethernet? That's my problem with my express. :grumble:
And a lack of devices that need to be plugged in by Ethernet? That's my problem with my express. :grumble:
Add a $15 switch. Problem solved. :)
ShadowOfGed
2010-07-17, 15:24
Add a $15 switch. Problem solved. :)
No. That ethernet jack needs to be the WAN side. You can't hang both LAN devices and the WAN connection off of a switch on that port.
Are you sure? I'm 90% sure that I used to do exactly that on my Express before I changed over to the Extreme.
I was thinking of using the Express in bridge mode. If you have to connect the WAN ethernet to the one ethernet port it can't be used to share the connection too at least to my knowledge.
However if Robo only needs to have his connection shared wirelessly then an Express would be good enough.
Sauvblanc
2010-07-18, 00:04
Dear Puppy Farm Owner,
You are an asshole for making a Labrador Retriever squeeze out several litters of puppies before she's 3 years old and then throwing her out onto the street when she couldn't produce any more. All to make a couple of bucks on the backs of poor defenseless animals. You, sir or madam, deserve to DIAF.
On the other hand, your "trash" is our "treasure". The sweetest, cutest, most loyal dog is curled up on the couch with me chasing rabbits in her sleep. If you hadn't abandoned her when you did we wouldn't have this lovely addition to our family.
I only hope that any other dogs you use, abuse and then abandon have the same happy fate as ours did.
Best,
Sauvblanc
Dear Starbucks Barista,
It isn't unreasonable to order a hot drink on a hot day. I work in an overly air-conditioned office. It is not my fault that you assumed I wanted my latte iced. Hint: the customer is not supposed to be the one who apologizes for a screwed up order, when that order was placed correctly.
-- Noel
Dear Every Republican with an email list:
Stop.
Sending.
Me.
Email.
The fact that I donated a small amount to a local congressional race ONCE does not mean I’m going to donate hundreds of dollars to races in other states every week as you come begging for more.
(Especially you, Peter Schiff. Enough already.)
julesstoop
2010-07-21, 11:48
For all who can read Dutch:
http://julesstoop.tumblr.com/
(I'm referring to the blog entry from yesterday, or maybe today depending on your timezone)
psmith2.0
2010-07-21, 12:03
Dear Every Politician in Existence -
Pick up your damn campaign signs within 24 hours of the election, otherwise you're a litterbug of an a-hole.
Sick of every last one of you (and what you truly represent),
Paul
Dear Every Politician in Existence -
Pick up your damn campaign signs within 24 hours of the election, otherwise you're a litterbug of an a-hole.
Sick of every last one of you (and what you truly represent),
Paul
My parents met because they were staffers for different California legislators back in the 80s, and in that time both their candidates sent their campaign staff around with trucks on *election night* to pick up every sign they had put in place. They kept a list of all the locations and rounded them all up as soon as the polls closed. Just the big ones, not the individual lawn signs that private citizens had put out, but still, they at least got rid of the bulk of them right away.
My grandmother was chairwoman of Reagan’s southern California campaign efforts and they had the same policy, though I imagine it came down to the county campaigns to actually implement it. Though I don’t think they did it on election night, it was all the next day.
That was all about thirty years ago of course...
My dad’s run for a few local offices in his years and he always did the same. Never won though. :D
psmith2.0
2010-07-21, 12:51
See, I just think that's common sense. And how it should be. We've had elections here in town, and this stuff will still be up, weeks later. Nobody seems to say anything or get bothered by it, but that's just been one of my longtime peeves (since I was a teenager, in fact). I hate seeing all this crap everywhere.
It just seems to say a lot, you know? If you think about it...
In fact, next time I'm out and about, I'll pull over and snap a few pics of some particularly gaudy, obnoxious sign clusters here in town.
If you're going to run for office and splash your name all over town, fine. Whatever. That's your deal, that's part of the game, blah, blah. But have the decency and good sense to remove that crap within a day or two after the election. Just as a simple "I'm not an asshat, and I notice the small things and simple courtesies" gesture, if nothing else.
:)
People get so fired up and passionate on the front end, plastering this stuff all over creation. But they're so damn slow to remove it after its done its job and run its course. Yeah, there should be vans or trucks of campaign workers driving around all day Wednesday, removing their candidate's signage from wherever they see it. By Thursday afternoon, there should be no sign of the idiocy and circus that had just taken place two days earlier.
:D
Believe me, having lived in Politico Nutjob Central (aka northern California) I’ve seen street corners with so many signs on them it felt like Times Square...
You should come to Texas. Pretty much no campaign signs anywhere. You’ll see a few, but our street corners haven’t turned into a battle royale between Perry and White (gubernatorial candidates).
In fact, the only campaign “sign”—it’s actually a billboard on I45—is a local candidate saying “Be Prepared for Hurricane Season!” We don’t tolerate campaign insanity much down here. :p OTOH, most of the races are also uncontested, so that helps.
Dear Lady in Honda Civic,
If you're going to be a jackass and whiz past me to then double park in the bike lane, at least have the common fucking decency to take 2 seconds and look for me (and maybe let me pass) before opening your door and nearly making my day suck very very much. You bitch.
love,
me.
@pscates: What I don't get is campaign bumper stickers. If you want to "show your support" with a mass-produced vinyl logo, be my guest, but why on earth would you not take them off after the election? Especially if your candidate lost?
I still see a bunch of McCain/Palin '08! bumper stickers out there. I don't get it. Are they trying to convince people to go back in time and change their votes? And before anyone says anything, I feel the same way about Kerry/Edwards '04! stickers, though I don't see very many of those (they're far outnumbered by people who still have their W04 stickers on their bumpers, for whatever reason).
I mean, it's been six years.
I "get" that it's probably some sort of subversive thing, a way of saying, "well, Obama may have won the election, but I still don't like him!" And that's fine, but if it were me I would at least swap the bumper sticker out for something that is a bit more relevant or communicative, and not just two people's names.
But I'm not really a bumper sticker person, so...
http://www.topatoco.com/graphics/00000001/won-metasticker.jpg
Dear Everyone Else But Apple In The Computer And Cellphone Industries,
up your game. Seriously. All via Daring Fireball:
It was only the iPad's first quarter, but its slice of the revenues is already higher than the iPod's. ★ (http://daringfireball.net/linked/2010/07/21/ipad-apple-revenue)
Microsoft will announce their quarterly revenues later tonight — they're expected to be surpassed by Apple. ★ (http://daringfireball.net/linked/2010/07/22/zaky-revenue)
Apple is making significantly more profits with iPhones than RIM, Motorola, Nokia, HTC and Sony Ericsson combined with all their handsets. ★ (http://daringfireball.net/linked/2010/07/21/apple-profits)
No love for mediocrity,
Sören
Dear Everybody Who Drives A Car On Freeways:
Please be careful and look before changing lanes, and drive defensively. I drove past a horrific accident this morning involving a car and a motorcycle. The bike was trashed, the car was really banged up, and there were about 18 support vehicles there including a coroner. I don't think the bike driver survived.
Motorcycles are harder to see than cars in your mirrors, just be thorough when you check is all.
Love,
Somebody who understands that accidents happen, but that they can also be prevented.
Dear Xaqtly,
this is a bike. (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/gadgetlab/puma-Bike-Profile.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2008/06/four-crazy-conc/&usg=__32AemoqY-RqulWGCRoqY1LjcW0c=&h=463&w=640&sz=67&hl=en&start=0&sig2=88bKt_BYvDnAdamJTauZnw&tbnid=1XFn7qoZBO0daM:&tbnh=128&tbnw=168&ei=hYtITKn3MI-RjAeViqjYDg&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbike%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsa fari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26biw%3D1221%26bih%3D874% 26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=121&vpy=112&dur=5&hovh=191&hovw=264&tx=129&ty=77&page=1&ndsp=30&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0) This is not a bike. (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.desktoprating.com/wallpapers/car-and-motorcycles-wallpapers-pictures/super-bike-motorcycle-wallpaper.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.desktoprating.com/wallpapers/super-bike-motorcycle-wallpaper.htm&usg=__-eDGGCAvf8_NVsTsazHpCZ_XPpg=&h=768&w=1024&sz=161&hl=en&start=0&sig2=mLcW7gAGXo83Ga-B61vXHQ&tbnid=hCn6EKY7GgvDCM:&tbnh=134&tbnw=171&ei=hYtITKn3MI-RjAeViqjYDg&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbike%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsa fari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26biw%3D1221%26bih%3D874% 26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=778&vpy=575&dur=1444&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=101&ty=173&page=1&ndsp=30&ved=1t:429,r:28,s:0) And this isn't either. (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/invisible-bike-20080517-191704.jpg&imgrefurl=http://laughingsquid.com/the-worlds-largest-lolcat-invisible-bike-mural/&usg=__ItiyMVh-W4KI-2K6miPW1tC56qM=&h=360&w=500&sz=73&hl=en&start=120&sig2=YLSNRevIMCCbQ1CMZvzYBQ&tbnid=UkeasWxuyhFviM:&tbnh=130&tbnw=164&ei=w4tITO68JsK5jAe4pJDNDg&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbike%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsa fari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26biw%3D1221%26bih%3D874% 26tbs%3Disch:10%2C3101&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=780&vpy=580&dur=108&hovh=190&hovw=265&tx=144&ty=147&page=5&ndsp=30&ved=1t:429,r:28,s:120&biw=1221&bih=874)
(Google Image Search's UI has finally gotten less sucky!)
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