Dear Men Who Visit This Restaurant,
This restaurant has a restroom. It is small, and there are not multiple stalls. As such, like every single-stall restroom I have ever seen, the door of this restroom features an indicator as to whether or not the restroom is "vacant" or "occupied."
This is undoubtedly a clever and useful invention, but it is not a new one. To the men of this restaurant, however, it must be a novelty, strange and unfamiliar, and you must be unsure how to operate it yet.
Allow me to explain. If the indicator reads "Vacant," the restroom is vacant, and if the indicator reads "Occupied," the restroom is, indeed, occupied. If you can not read English, the indicators are color-coded, red for "stop" and green for "go."
You may be embarrassed that you have never noticed the giant, brightly-colored indicator, but I can assure you that you are not alone. Seemingly no men who visit this restaurant use it, preferring instead to try turning the handle, and then, upon realizing to their surprise that the door will not open, turn the handle harder, and then repeatedly try to force the door open, until the person inside informs them that "It's occupied, dumbass."
Sometimes people try the handle and then knock. ASIDE: I have no idea what I'm expected to say when someone knocks on the door of a single-stall restroom. "Hello"? "I'm in here?" That's sort of a weird thing to say, right? It's not often that you're asked to assert your existence. Is the person inquiring as to whether the restroom is, in fact, occupied? Do they think a ghost locked the door? Are they trying to passive-aggressively tell me they are waiting? Do they want me to let them in?
ASIDE ASIDE: I was using the restroom earlier (is that too much information? Is it any information at all? Surely you were not under the impression that I had never used the restroom before?) and immediately after I locked the door, somebody knocked. It would have been one thing if the restroom had been occupied for an unusually long time, and he was inquiring as to my well-being, or telling me to stop shooting up and/or dying of a heart attack so he could use the facilities. But this guy must have seen me enter the restroom, as he knocked just after I locked the door. I don't know what he was trying to say. "Just so you know in advance, I expect you to accelerate your shitting, because I'm waiting"? If he was a politician he should be aware that it's a code of foot taps, not door knocks. Anyway, I wasn't at a loss for words this time.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED
Set new swear density record!
END NESTED ASIDES
Anyway, now you know how to correctly operate a bathroom door. I can't promise that this knowledge make you rich or get you dates, but at least you won't waste time trying break down a restroom door because you can't fucking read!
-Robo
HUMOR ALERT: THE ABOVE POST WAS NOT GRAVELY SERIOUS