LOL No, but it might be able to better manage your file space based on how you've organized things in the past. It could provide a pre-loaded set of web pages, like a clipping service, in the morning based on what you normally surf during the day. It might be able to look at prior calendar items, and suggest that you need to make an appointment for your annual dental exam.
Etc, etc, etc.
Deep learning AI is kind of a fascinating arena, and while it may not be obvious what the connections are between an autonomous car and a personal assistant, look at IBM's Watson. They didn't make a system to win Jeopardy, or to handle medical research. They created a general purpose AI, and then train it on various applications. The same approaches are used in autonomous driving, and creating new recipes.
My other brain is hung like a horse too.
#IRC isn't old school.
Old school is being able to say 'finger me' with a straight face.