So, I ran into this poor vagrant on the street the other day and thought to myself, "Augh! It's the Unabomber!" He seemed to be a friendly enough chap, though. So, I figured I'd be the good samaritan for once and "help him out" of his filthy, filthy, scraggly predicament.
Of course, the first thing I did was slash a razor across the side of his ugly face. That'll teach you to talk to strangers!
So I thought. Fortunately for him, the fella had tough skin because the razor grazed his cheek and just took off some hair. I was amazed at this guy's demeanor, as he wasn't at all phased by my sudden attack.
What to do next?
I slashed again at him with the razor, thinking surely I'd hit an artery and be able to collect a pint or two for a quick blood bank deposit. Again, I missed just barely and failed to injure the hairy beast, and in my stupefied state, he managed to snatch the hat from my head and reveal his true inner smug bastard.
I would not be bested by this vagabond! Again, I reached for the razors and whipped them side to side over the monster's hideous visage, but again with surprising agility he ducked and dodged my assaults. What he didn't realize, however, was that with my deft maneuvers I had transformed him into the nightmare of nightmares: Creepy Perv Neighbor Guy!
He was
not happy.
Nor was I.
"Wait… why am I doing this?" I asked myself. "At first I wanted to help this poor bastard, but I've done nothing but nearly ruin him!" And with that, I decided to unleash everything I had in a fury of rage and razorblades.
Aha! Finally I had defeated him and successfully transformed the beast into a reasonable excuse for a human being!
Having succeeded in my task, I tranqued him with a dart and dragged his lifeless mass back onto the street, free to roam the world "a new man".
...
