[Capella]

So awhile ago I made a joke about making this thread. And now I've decided there's so much stupidity at work, I totally have to share the idiocy with people. I plan on updating this semi-regularly with posts about new stupid things. You guys can feel free to comment on/about stories I share, I don't want to use this just as an exclusive soapbox where all I do is post and you guys just read and say nothing!

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This exchange happens once a day. Every day. I swear. Sometimes the particulars are different, but there's always an incredulous or disgusted look that I get from wildly disparate people and yet it always looks the same.

Customer: I'd like a medium coffee, please.
Me: Sir/ma'am, we don't have medium, would you like a small or large?
*Customer gives me disgusted look*
Customer: Don't you have medium?
Me: I'm sorry, we only have small or large.
Customer: Fine. Gimme a (small or large, their choice).

In a related suck, if coworkers C and J get asked for a medium they automatically give them a large without saying anything, which hugely pisses me off, because they should actually give the customers a choice; they might be ordering a medium because they don't want that much coffee, sheesh!

I had also started changing up this conversation by responding with "No, but you can have a small or large" with a winning smile. But one customer decided I was being rude and actually had me call over my manager to complain. Apparently the "No" meant I was being disrespectful and was telling him he couldn't have any coffee at all. R has a sense of humor, however, and when I related my exact words to him- and the fact I had been saying it for about a week, and most people thought it was funny- then R told the man he was being overly sensitive and refused to discipline me. I've stopped saying it though, just in case.

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Let me postulate a scenario for you. We have a case for our lunch food. This case is bifurcated halfway down. The bottom half is open, and holds pastas, salads, etc. The top half contains sandwiches. It is covered with a glass lid. The barista of the day- that would be me- has bounced over to stand behind the case, smile winningly, and say "Hi! What can I get for you?" You want a sandwich from inside the case. What do you do?

a.) Ask the nice barista.
b.) Lift the glass lid and take the sandwich out and carry it to the register.
b1.) and leave the lid up in the air letting all the cold air out
c.) Not only lift the lid and grab it, but then reach over the top of the counter and hand me the sandwich and say "please grill it"

If you answered b or c, you're one of the, I swear, 6 or 7 people who have done this in November alone.

Seriously, what the hell? The bottom case is clearly open, so yes, you can grab your own. But the top case is clearly closed, and I clearly came up to you and asked you if I could get anything for you. I don't know how I could make it any clearer that I am supposed to get it. And c especially annoys me because you realize that in order to he your sandwich your way I need to interact with it. So why the hell do you think you should be the one picking it up?!

I started getting annoyed after the fourth or so time it happened. So, when one guy came up to me holding the sandwich- and with the case still left open- I was like "sir, you can't do that," and he looked suitably shamefaced and paid and went away. The guy behind him came up also holding a sandwich, and I repeated the same warning politely. He replied with "well I saw the man in front of me do it!". Before I could think, the words "and if he jumped off a cliff would you have done it?" slipped out of my mouth. Mentally I was like "oh shit I'm getting fucking fired for this", but outwardly I just hastily tapped the register and was like "your total is $5.30 please don't do it next time sir bye".

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. When manager C came by to change the till, I told her what I'd blurted. She responded by laughing and saying if anyone complained she'd tell them that their behavior had been appropriate and my response wasn't at fault. But no one complained. So there.

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I hate it when people don't know what they're getting. For example, this lovely exchange:

Customer: I want a macchiato!
Me: Yes, sir. Single shot or double?
Customer: *waves hand* Whatever's standard.
Me: What kind of milk, sir? Regular, skim, or soy?
Customer: Regular.
*I make his macchiato. Please keep in mind, a single- which is our regular- macchiato is a single shot of espresso, in a teeny tiny espresso cup, and then I steam some milk and scrape off one or two dollops of foam to drop on top of it. When done, I hand it to him.*
Customer: *stares incredulously at drink* This is not what I wanted! Where is my caramel?!
Me: Caramel, sir?
Customer: Yes! My caramel! In the large cup!
Me: Sir, did you want a caramel macchiato?
Customer: Yes! Yes.
Me: Sir, you ordered a macchiato, not a caramel macchiato. I made exactly what you asked for.
Customer: No you didn't! You should have known what I wanted! *Customer throws the cup at me. I duck out of the way barely in time. Espresso goes all over the floor Customer stalks off.*

Or this gem, also related to espresso. We have a list of today's coffees on a freestanding signboard on top of the pastry case. It lists our standard, our gourmet, the french vanilla, the pumpkin, and our espresso and our decaf. This is important.

Customer: I'd like a small espresso!
Me: *makes single shot in espresso cup and hands it to her*
Customer: *points at the coffee cups behind me* No, I wanted a small espresso!
Me: Ma'am, the espresso comes in these cups. A single is a small, and a large is a double.
Customer: It's on your coffee board, so it must be the same size as the coffee!
Me: *super politely* Ma'am, the prices of the espresso are different then those of the coffee, as you can see on that board.
Customer: I always get espresso here! It's always in that cup! *still pointing at the small cup, now with voice raised*
Me: *grasping at straws* Do you mean you get an Americano? Your espresso with water?
Customer: *huffs* Yes! That's what I said.
Me: … *thinking: no, you didn't, bitch* Well, ma'am, next time, to clear up confusion, you should ask for a small Americano, alright? *makes new drink*
Customer: Oh I won't have to, I'm sure you'll remember my order after this!

…yeah, maybe to spit in it.*

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Seriously, though, I am not frightening! If you are overwhelmed because you've never been to a cafe like us before and don't know what the options are, just ask me. Some of my favorite regulars are regulars because their very first time I walked them patiently through things for more than five minutes, and they appreciated the service- and their drink- so much that they became regulars. (In fact, some of my regulars have become friends that, if I get my break and I see them in the food court, I have standing rights to come sit down with and hang out. I love those guys.) But seriously, I do not mind helping you. Use me.

But don't come in, have no idea what you're getting, and then snap at me when I either try to correct you (hi, cappuchino lady) or when I bring you something that is technically what you asked for but not what you intended. If you don't know the name, but want to say "it involves this", I will work with you. But don't bitch me out when your error results in a wrong drink. I am not a mind reader, and if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't work in food service.

*(By the way, I do NOT condone spitting in or messing with anyone's coffee, okay? This is just a joke. Kay? Kay? Good.