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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
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Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2010-03-03, 18:59

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear people who give me negative rep for making gay jokes,

I'm gay. Just thought you might want to, y'know, take that into consideration.

Fabulously yours,
Robo
Dear people who can't figure out Robo is gay,

Please read this post.

Straight man with a working gaydar-ly yours,

Luca

  quote
Capella
Dark Cat of the Sith
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Send a message via AIM to Capella  
2010-03-03, 19:01

Dear stomach,

Seriously, it's been 48 hours and you still won't keep down anything beyond warm flat gingerale and chicken noodle broth? I hate you. Go die in a fire.

Love,

Capella


Dear psychiatrist,

I am leaving you because you prescribed me 4 pills a day at 25mg instead of 1 100mg pill a day. This might only be inconvenient for other people- who the hell wants to take 4 pills if they could take one?- but I have mentioned to you multiple times I cannot have lactose. The tablets- which you prescribed- had lactose. The chewables do not. If you're going to make me take 4 pills a day, at least make them ones that do not contain substances I am allergic to. I hope someone gives you food poisoning.

Love,

Capella

"A blind, deaf, comatose, lobotomy patient could feel my anger!" - Darth Baras
twitter ; amateur photographer ; fanfiction writer ; roleplayer and worldbuilder
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2010-03-03, 19:03

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capella View Post
Dear psychiatrist...
Everyone knows that psychiatrists aren't real doctors! You can't expect them to get it right!
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-03-03, 19:05

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capella View Post
Dear psychiatrist,

I am leaving you because you prescribed me 4 pills a day at 25mg instead of 1 100mg pill a day. This might only be inconvenient for other people- who the hell wants to take 4 pills if they could take one?- but I have mentioned to you multiple times I cannot have lactose. The tablets- which you prescribed- had lactose. The chewables do not. If you're going to make me take 4 pills a day, at least make them ones that do not contain substances I am allergic to. I hope someone gives you food poisoning.

Love,

Capella
Get well soon!
  quote
alcimedes
I shot the sherrif.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via ICQ to alcimedes  
2010-03-03, 19:28

Dear Fed. Govt.

Can we get off prosecuting sick people for using weed? Any time soon at least? We let doctors prescribe much more dangerous substances every day, and journal after journal have published medical study results (double blind even!) showing that MJ can be more effective than any prescribed drug for various forms of pain/nausea etc., yet it's still illegal.

Is it really that bad that it also makes you happy as a side effect? Last time I watched some phara drug ad they mentioned "death" as a side effect. (seriously, death is the side effect of piles of medications that are legal, including ones for ADHD etc.) Can't we move on yet?

Google is your frenemy.
Caveat Emptor - Latin for tough titty
I tend to interpret things in the way that's most hilarious to me
  quote
Kraetos
Lovable Bastard
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Boston-ish
 
2010-03-03, 19:59

Quote:
Originally Posted by alcimedes View Post
We let doctors prescribe much more dangerous substances every day, and journal after journal have published medical study results (double blind even!) showing that MJ can be more effective than any prescribed drug for various forms of pain/nausea etc., yet it's still illegal.
But if we legalize marijuana, how are private prisons going to continue to make a profit?

Sincerely,

  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Send a message via AIM to tomoe  
2010-03-03, 20:54

Dear Oeuf (pet cat),

I'll feed you soon enough. Just please give me a break from the loud meowing and chasing me around the apartment.

Love,
the guy you like primarily because he has thumbs to open the food container.

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
  quote
BuonRotto
Not sayin', just sayin'
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Durham, NC
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2010-03-03, 22:51

Dear Bulfinch,

You have been making my wife very angry. You need to stop barging into closed rooms when we are not there and laying on the bed and/or good furniture. I appreciate you want my smell around when I'm not there. I appreciate your relative intelligence, though it is usually less intelligence than brute force (and either shitty door hardware or french doors that can't be secured so easily) with your huge, fat head that wins the day for you. I do not want you to be crated again, or worse, put us in a situation where the wife says, "it's me or the dog." Please stop. Think of the pack.

Sincerely,

Joel
  quote
scratt
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: M-F: Thailand Weekends : F1 2010 - Various Tracks!
Send a message via Skype™ to scratt 
2010-03-03, 22:57

Dear God,

Why are you such a bastard to your children?
Were you abused as a child?

Best,
An Atheist.
  quote
Xaqtly
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-04, 00:23

Dear Feet:

Fuck off. Just... just stop it. You know what I'm talking about.

That's right. I'm onto you.

Love,
All That Stuff You're Attached To
  quote
Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2010-03-04, 00:27

Dear Back and Neck,

Just tell me which exercise or stretch to use and I promise I'll try to make things better.

Hugs and kisses,
Nervous System
  quote
scratt
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: M-F: Thailand Weekends : F1 2010 - Various Tracks!
Send a message via Skype™ to scratt 
2010-03-04, 00:39

Dear Xcode,

Why?

scratt

P.S. Fuck you, and your mate gcc!
  quote
Partial
Stallion
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Milwaukee
 
2010-03-04, 00:49

This thread delivers, especially the feet
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2010-03-04, 02:01

Dear Capcom,

I am disappointed. You gave me so much promise, and just didn't deliver. Thanks for the 65 minutes, I guess.

Jordan
  quote
zsummers
Avast!
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New York?
 
2010-03-04, 04:03

Dear Internet,

Man, we've had some good times right? Remember that time I couldn't remember the name of that girl in the movie with the banana (Phoebe Cates!). You were there for me. I really needed that. And I want you to know that I'll always appreciate how you keep the peace. I would've killed my brother last Christmas when we were fighting about whether Long Island was, in fact, an island. How f*cking stupid can you be, right? But you stepped right in--no judgment, just fact--with maps and everything (not an island!). You set my brother straight. Just the same way you set me straight when I still thought the lyrics were "Dirty deeds / and they're done with sheep."

Good times, good times.

But let me cut to the chase: lately, things have changed. I guess it's hard to put my finger on exactly when. But I do remember the day I found out you had my social. And my birthday. And my phone number and address! What's the deal? I could swear I never gave them to you, Internet. It worried me. I asked around.

But my friends weren't worried--they all loved you. "Maybe mom gave your number to her," my brother said. She does that sometimes, with "nice" girls. For my part, I figured, "Hey... I got drunk at a party and probably gave my card out to the Internet." I mean parts of you are good-looking, and everyone knows you've got a real freak-streak when things head below the belt. Maybe with a couple pints of whiskey in me I scoped your tubes and thought, "Why not?" (Though frankly, with your sophomoric humor and questionable physique ("world wide web" indeed), it seemed unlikely.).

Heck, I even flattered myself, Internet: maybe you just had a harmless little crush. I mean, I'm the first to admit to having some unhealthy little obsessions. Lord knows if I could get it, I'd have Zooey Deschanel's phone number too (which reminds me about something I've been meaning to ask you...).

So I forgave you. "That's just the Internet," I told myself. "She's harmless," my friends said. I guess that's why I didn't freak out when it got more personal the last few years. Pictures of me playing high school basketball. College theses on Salman Rushdie. Even satellite images of my apartment. Where did you get this stuff? It was like you were building a little shrine to me (which, let's be honest, probably kept you on my good side)... Not cool, Internet. Not cool.

But I just couldn't give you up. "Done with sheep!" Boy, that would've been an embarrassing karaoke night. And all those pictures of Zooey you've got!

But lately... I'll put it bluntly. Lately, you are downright creepy. For instance, you were definitely not invited on my camping trip. To be honest, we went out there to get away from you--just my wife and me and the wide open spaces. But I'll be damned--two days later, Internet, you've got pictures of it. How? And my dad's BBQ recipe. Where in F*CK SAKE did you get that? And why? Why, Internet? It's not even that good.

The list goes on and on. My favorite movie. That paper I wrote in first grade on why I like butterflies. My 8th grade mile time. A blog on an Italian dinner I just had with someone (okay, yes, that someone was a blogger.... but that's no excuse, Internet, no excuse at all). IT IS TIME TO GET A GRIP!

So I'm here to say I don't love you, Internet. I never will. Please stop following me around everywhere I go. Please stop rummaging through my digital trash. Please stop saving every f*cking picture ever taken of me. Please stop tweeting on my front lawn at two in the morning. Please stop, please stop, please stop!

But before you do, about Zooey's phone number?

Love,
zsummers

p.s. I know you're reading this. Creep.

"How could you falter / when you're the Rock of Gibralter? / I had to get off the boat so I could walk on water. / This ain't no tall order. / This is nothing to me. / Difficult takes a day. / Impossible takes a week."
  quote
BuonRotto
Not sayin', just sayin'
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Durham, NC
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2010-03-04, 07:57

Dear Sex Life,

I promise to put you on the front burner again as soon as this job stress and house upgrading shit is under control.

Sincerely,

Me
  quote
Quagmire
meh
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-04, 08:28

Dear physics.

Fuck you. I don't care to understand you at all. I am not going to plug in a stupid formula while I am trying to land a plane with no engines.....

Sincerely,

Quag


Dear Women,

Screw you for you always wanting to get married. Can a guy just look for sex and nothing else in life? Just look at my house.......

Sincerely

Quagmire

PS: Giggity

giggity
  quote
kieran
Tweeting @kierankelly
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: New York City
 
2010-03-04, 08:44

Dear money I thought I'd finally have after getting a real job,

Where are you? I had more money in college.

Signed,

Me.
  quote
Wyatt
On twitter: @bwyatt
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Near Indianapolis
 
2010-03-04, 09:16

Quote:
Originally Posted by kieran View Post
Dear money I thought I'd finally have after getting a real job,

Where are you? I had more money in college.

Signed,

Me.
Dear Kieran,

I'm tied up in Phillies tickets.

Formerly yours,
Cash

Off-topic (click to toggle):
Seriously, though, I know what you mean. It was the same way for me. Minus the tickets.

Twitter: bwyatt | Minecraft: bwyatt_IN
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-03-04, 09:54

Dear Microsoft,

Every time you fail to use the rare and coveted ffi ligature in your Office branding, you break my heart.

Regards,
Robo
  quote
Capella
Dark Cat of the Sith
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Send a message via AIM to Capella  
2010-03-04, 11:06

An Addendum to the Letter Above,

Dear Psych mentioned above,

When I call your office telling you I think I might be experiencing a side effect you explicitly warned me about, I expect that, uh, you will check me out. Instead I got told by your secretary that you can only shoehorn me in tomorrow at 4PM. Your secretary said she'd pass it on to you, but given that you didn't call my pharmacist back last Friday to change my pill scrip- when you were called at 10AM and my pharmacy is open till 6PM- I am not actually expecting you to call me back. If this actually is the serious side effect you warned me of, I'm going to be furious.

Love,

a very angry- and itchy- Cap

P.S. WHY tell me it's a serious side effect and to call in immediately if you're not going to, you know, see me ASAP if it crops up? I'd almost rather go untreated than see you anymore.

"A blind, deaf, comatose, lobotomy patient could feel my anger!" - Darth Baras
twitter ; amateur photographer ; fanfiction writer ; roleplayer and worldbuilder
  quote
Banana
is the next Chiquita
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
 
2010-03-04, 11:08

Capella:

Off-topic (click to toggle):
Are you saying Microsoft is your Psych?!?



Sorry about the frustrations you're going though...
  quote
Capella
Dark Cat of the Sith
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Send a message via AIM to Capella  
2010-03-04, 11:10

Banana:

Off-topic (click to toggle):
I'm beginning to think Microsoft would do a better job. That's saying something.
  quote
Banana
is the next Chiquita
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
 
2010-03-04, 11:19

Capella:

Off-topic (click to toggle):
I can imagine it now:

"Hi! It looks like you're having side effect! Can I help with..."

At least you'd have a response, though...

  quote
Xaqtly
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-04, 11:35

Dear Brain:

You may have noticed that since I almost never drink alcohol I can't kill you with beer. However, make no mistake - I will kill you if you don't stop screwing around.

You're not the biggest, you know. I've seen bigger, so don't be all proud of yourself. Sorry if that hurts your brainhood, but you ain't all that and a bag of chips.

What's that? You're going to make me punch myself in the spleen? I'd like to see you try.

Well played sir. As I recover, think about this: What has two thumbs and supplies your oxygen? This guy. So stop screwing around.

Love,
The sack of meat that lives only to serve the glorious brain I SAID CUT THE SHIT.
  quote
Hassan i Sabbah
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: london and københavn
 
2010-03-04, 11:59

Roboman's gay lol
  quote
Hassan i Sabbah
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: london and københavn
 
2010-03-04, 12:05

Dear Christians

Hello. It really bugs me when you ring the church bell at the end of my street, right opposite my house, at 8:00 every single morning. On the mornings after I've been drinking alcohol, when I want to sleep, and maybe moan, and curse the day I was born, especially so. It wakes me up. It's really loud.

I'm a committed Christian* who loves God and Jesus, and his wife Trudy, very much. But when you ring that bell, it really makes me want to turn to Satan.

I mean, come on. You do it EVERY FUCKING MORNING. And it's REALLY LOUD. Everyone complains about it. I don't ever see anyone going to church. It's no wonder the Danish are all atheists. You piss them off with your bells.

So please. Please stop.

OK, let's make a deal. When I'm going to have a bastard hangover, I'll put an upside-down chalk cross on the door of the church and you can have the day off. How's that?

Your brother in Christ,

Hassan

*This is a lie.

gibberish
  quote
billybobsky
BANNED
I am worthless beyond hope.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Inner Swabia. If you have to ask twice, don't.
 
2010-03-04, 12:14

Dear humanity,

Your mosaicity is a farce. Your phase transitions and crystal faces don't make a damn bit of difference. Complaining about self-reactivity and the kinetic barriers towards a stable equilibrium doesn't catalyze the reactions needed to get there. Grow a pair and move beyond your delusionally impenetrable interfaces.

Or don't. Your lifetime is limited and what do I care about your hysteresis?

Yours,

b
  quote
kieran
Tweeting @kierankelly
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: New York City
 
2010-03-04, 12:15

Wyatt

Off-topic (click to toggle):
Quote:
Seriously, though, I know what you mean. It was the same way for me. Minus the tickets.
Phillies tickets, Philly Union tix, down payments for a house & new car, student loan payments, CC payments. It's amazing how quickly money goes when you actually have some. I swear money lasted longer for me when I didn't have a job.
  quote
murbot
Mammogram Tech
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2010-03-04, 15:21

Hey Robo, you can always get your phone back with a reward offer... just make sure you price it well.



  quote
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