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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
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Xaqtly
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-05-05, 01:13

Dear SOHO (Solar and Heliospheric Observatory):

Could you be any more awesome? Have you seen those pictures you took of the sun? You know, the ones with the massive prominence that was hundreds of times larger than the Earth? How mindblowing is that?

I'll tell you, SOHO. It's extremely mindblowing. It makes me think, "holy shit man, we're like ants or something. Smaller than ants even. We're tiny." So thanks for giving us some cosmic perspective, and hey - space is a big scary place. Watch your coronal hole out there.

Love,

Someone who is positively not stoned
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-05-05, 02:29

Dear professor who keeps on telling me to get the assignment instructions off of the course web page, despite my repeated assertions that they aren't there:

They're not there. I promise.

I honestly have no idea what you want me to do...?

Sincerely,
Frustrated

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Noel
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago
 
2010-05-05, 10:08

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear professor who keeps on telling me to get the assignment instructions off of the course web page, despite my repeated assertions that they aren't there:

They're not there. I promise.

I honestly have no idea what you want me to do...?

Sincerely,
Frustrated
Email him/her a screenshot?
  quote
drewprops
Magnificent Basturd™
sagacious-d
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2010-05-05, 12:15

Damn this thread is tempting.
I had one all typed out and then deleted it in favor of this post because I just don't want to post things that are personal even in an "anonymous" way... it's the internet and all, you know?


...

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
ezkcdude
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
 
2010-05-05, 13:28

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear professor who keeps on telling me to get the assignment instructions off of the course web page, despite my repeated assertions that they aren't there:

They're not there. I promise.

I honestly have no idea what you want me to do...?

Sincerely,
Frustrated
Is it a custom site developed by the school? We use something called T-Square (based on Sakai) for posting homeworks and grades, and the students always complain that they can't see stuff on their computer, even though I definitely posted it. It's frustrating.
  quote
zsummers
Avast!
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New York?
 
2010-05-07, 01:51

Dear Uninflated RC Blimp:

I bought you during a grand fit of whimsy. You arrived to great fanfare and excitement. Even my friend in Wisconsin couldn't wait to get pictures of you puttering about the offices, enraging the partnership and amusing my assistants. So why is it I am so ashamed to ask my local florist to fill you up to your inflated, silvery, four-full-feet of glory? Am I less of a man because I can't ask a woman to de-flaccidize my blimp?

So here you sit, three months later, limp and uninflated. You have now found a new use: a symbol for my deflated hopes for you. Every time I see a real blimp, I die a little inside.

Love,
zsummers

"How could you falter / when you're the Rock of Gibralter? / I had to get off the boat so I could walk on water. / This ain't no tall order. / This is nothing to me. / Difficult takes a day. / Impossible takes a week."
  quote
ShadowOfGed
Travels via TARDIS
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Earthsea
 
2010-05-07, 03:57

Dear Lenders,

I promise you I am not trying to launder money by putting it into my down payment. I have provided you with far more detail on my financial background than seems reasonable, and yet you want more documentation.

I asked you 10 days ago what information you needed and in what formats. I then got it all to you in under 48 hours. So why, after these 10 days, does someone finally recall that you have a form letter for gifts that you failed to give me WHEN I ASKED?

If my loan falls through despite me proactively seeking your advice on proper procedures and documentation, we are going to have a problem. I acted on your advice and now you say I should have done things differently. Seriously? Fuck you and your incompetence.

Sincerely,
A disgruntled, honest borrower

Apparently I call the cops when I see people litter.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-05-07, 16:33

Dear Introduction to Poetry class:

"Bring in songs that are poetically significant" does not mean "bring in any song you happen to like." I've never heard so many songs that alll sound the same. There was Break-up Rock Song A and Predictable Patriotic Country Song B and that was it, for the last two hours. If you insist on bringing these same two songs to class on Monday, please, do us all a favor and just...euthanize yourselves.

Sincerely,
Your Professor (not really, but I'm quite sure he's thinking the same thing)

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2010-05-07, 19:42

Dear Anyone that Goes to School in Washington State:

Have an Orange Julius and don't forget that you live in the second-most beautiful state in the country. Stop freaking out about your classes and go stick your feet in the sand. You're smart and you're talented. Go have some fucking fun and stop worrying about every goddamn thing, fucking goddamn it.

So it goes.
  quote
pscates2.0
Mr. Farmiga
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-05-07, 20:02

  quote
faramirtook
A for effort.
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: New Jersey
 
2010-05-08, 10:13

Dear Right Brain,

I understand that you're excited to work on our nutella/banana/espresso dessert idea, be it a variation on brownies, pudding, or tiramisu, but we need all of those creative juices directed at writing this paper right now. Kemal and Füsun are not going to psychoanalyze themselves, you know.

Best,

Left Brain

Ale, man, ale's the stuff to drink
For fellows whom it hurts to think
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2010-05-09, 19:16

Dear Left Brain,

I've been trying my hardest to kill you over the years, but you are one resilient motherfucker.

Love ya,
- Right Brain
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2010-05-09, 19:22

Dear Right Brain,

If you'd for once stop imagining what our girlfriend would look like with a sprayed-on rubber body outfit you might succeed. I'm not worried in the least about my health, perv. Oh, and you like masturbating way too much. It's not healthy. You're going to break our penis if you're not careful.

Just fucking pass out already, as usual,
- Left Brain

So it goes.
  quote
Wyatt
On twitter: @bwyatt
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Near Indianapolis
 
2010-05-09, 19:31

Anybody else expecting a letter from 709's penis telling his left brain to fuck off?
  quote
drewprops
Magnificent Basturd™
sagacious-d
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2010-05-09, 19:57

Dear Amazing Race,
Fuck the winners of this round, I wanted the cowboys to win!!


...
  quote
zsummers
Avast!
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New York?
 
2010-05-10, 13:48

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wyatt View Post
Anybody else expecting a letter from 709's penis telling his left brain to fuck off?
  quote
Maciej
M AH - ch ain saw
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-05-11, 07:40

Dear asshat driving the sage-green Ford Explorer,

Please stop tapping your brakes. Pushing and holding the brake for an average time of one second does not slow you down any significant amount, as shown by me not having to push the brake once while following you down that steep hill. The pouring rain certainly didn't require you to do so either, unless your true goal was to skid into the center divider and die in a fiery explosion. In which case you are also a failure. Moreover it annoys and angers the drivers behind you. Similarly, tapping the brake while turned around and digging for something in the rear foot-well doesn't reassure me of your driving skills either. I can only hope natural selection takes its course quickly, but until then; be vigilant for drivers looking to strangle you.

Sincerely,
Concerned for Your Safety.

User formally known as Sh0eWax
  quote
Ryan
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Promise Land of Trustafarians
 
2010-05-11, 13:34

Dear CampusFrance,

Please fix your website. I would very much like to register with you so I can register with the French embassy so I can register with the French consulate so I can get my visa. But, until you get your server problems straightened out, I can’t submit the form online.

Thanks
  quote
Wyatt
On twitter: @bwyatt
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Near Indianapolis
 
2010-05-26, 07:09

Dear MS Access,

Thank you for crashing and fucking me over again. Die in a fire.

With all my heart,
Ben
  quote
kieran
Tweeting @kierankelly
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: New York City
 
2010-05-26, 07:53

Dear car forum troll,

No one likes the posts that you put up and your picture looks like you were a cast member on "Jersey Shore."

Fuck off and die.

Please stop talking now.

Thanks.
-KK
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2010-05-26, 10:25

Dear feet,

I know nerve damage sucks. Can this wait until I get health insurance?

All my love,
Jordan
  quote
Xaqtly
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-05-26, 10:35

Quote:
Originally Posted by RowdyScot View Post
Dear feet,

I know nerve damage sucks. Can this wait until I get health insurance?

All my love,
Jordan
Dear RowdyScot:

Don't make me break myself off in your ass.

Love,

Your Feet
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-05-26, 10:50

Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

Impatiently,
Robo

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2010-05-26, 10:53

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

Impatiently,
Robo
Dear Robo,

I'm worth the wait! The Fluzzard only glides so fast.

Hurriedly,
Super Mario Galaxy 2
  quote
Capella
Dark Cat of the Sith
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Send a message via AIM to Capella  
2010-05-26, 11:08

Dear Depression,

I have classes. Classes I need to attend given that each summer session is only 5-6 weeks. I also have people I would like to do things with, and writing projects I would love to work on. You're ruining my life here.

Go die,

Capella

"A blind, deaf, comatose, lobotomy patient could feel my anger!" - Darth Baras
twitter ; amateur photographer ; fanfiction writer ; roleplayer and worldbuilder
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-05-26, 11:23

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capella View Post
Dear Depression,

I have classes. Classes I need to attend given that each summer session is only 5-6 weeks. I also have people I would like to do things with, and writing projects I would love to work on. You're ruining my life here.

Go die,

Capella
OMG, I know exactly how that goes. Since I just, um, dropped all my Spring classes after having a prolonged breakdown. Yeah.

So, while I'm the last person ever to give advice, and I wouldn't even if I could because having everyone cheerfully give you get-out-of-your-depression-now schemes is really annoying, I do hope you sort through it all.

That you actually *want* to hang out and do things is a good sign, I think. Hugz.

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2010-05-26, 11:31

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

Impatiently,
Robo
Dear Robo,

The $9 next-day shipping was totally worth it.

Regards,
Alternate Universe Robo
(also, Brad)

PS. Given my current rate of progress as an expert Mario gamer, SMG2 still looks to be a solid multi-dozen-hour adventure.

The quality of this board depends on the quality of the posts. The only way to guarantee thoughtful, informative discussion is to write thoughtful, informative posts. AppleNova is not a real-time chat forum. You have time to compose messages and edit them before and after posting.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-05-26, 21:42

Dear Nintendo,

Hideki Kamiya, of Platinum Games, desperately wants to make a new Star Fox game, in the vein of the series' best installment (64, duh). Let him.

Also, I hate to break this to you, but Fox and Falco are totally Ho Yay. It's practically canon, and introducing that Krystal chick in subsequent installments hasn't fooled anybody. Let it go.

Sincerely,
Someone who want's a new f'ing Star Fox.

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
El Gallo
Formerly “MumboJumbo”
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
 
2010-05-26, 23:00

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear Super Mario Galaxy 2:

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

Impatiently,
Robo
Dear Robo:

Do not go walk out into an ice field, bury yourself up to your neck and try to place yourself suspended animation to make the time before the release of SMG2 more tolerable. You must learn patience.

Please heed my warning,
25th Century Robo
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2010-05-26, 23:49

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear Nintendo,

Hideki Kamiya, of Platinum Games, desperately wants to make a new Star Fox game, in the vein of the series' best installment (64, duh). Let him.

Also, I hate to break this to you, but Fox and Falco are totally Ho Yay. It's practically canon, and introducing that Krystal chick in subsequent installments hasn't fooled anybody. Let it go.

Sincerely,
Someone who want's a new f'ing Star Fox.
Favorite. VGCats. Evar. ^_^
  quote
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