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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
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curiousuburb
Antimatter Man
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: that interweb thing
 
2010-03-12, 15:24

Dear Yappy Dogs,

STFU!

'Burb
  quote
chucker
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: near Bremen, Germany
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2010-03-12, 15:27

Dear Apple,

will give you ze big bux if MBP coming Tuesday.

Love,
chucker
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-12, 15:31

Dear Apple,

If you make Bembo a font option in iBooks, I will give you five hundred dollars.

Well, for an iPad. Also, update the MBPs.

You had me at Bembo,
Robo

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
Maciej
M AH - ch ain saw
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-12, 15:31

Dear Apple,

will also give big bux for new MBP on tuesday.

Love,
Maciej
  quote
ezkcdude
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
 
2010-03-12, 15:42

Dear Google,
Thank you for scanning the entire contents of A.G. Webster's 1912 monograph, "The Dynamics of Particles and of Rigid, Elastic, and Fluid Bodies", and letting me download it as a PDF.
sincerely,
ezkcdude

Dear Amazon Kindle DX,
Thank you for having existed. I have enjoyed tremendously these past few months, even while anticipating your eventual demise due to certain external factors. I loved being able to read 612-page PDF files, like A.G. Webster's 1912 monograph, "The Dynamics of Particles and of Rigid, Elastic, and Fluid Bodies" on you. Take care.
sincerely,
ezkcdude

Dear ezkcdude's pending iPad,
You better have been worth the wait and the $600 I plopped down this morning.
sincerely,
ezkcdude
  quote
evan
Formerly CoachKrzyzewski
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Charlottesville, VA
Send a message via AIM to evan  
2010-03-13, 21:47

Dear iPad,

Damn you for being available for pre-order. Seriously. Before you began taunting me in the store section of apple's website I just let the news come to me. Sure, I would check here often, reading all the discussion on flash and just how awesome you might be, and I would check engadget and other sites, but only when I was at a computer and didn't have anything else to do. Now that it's a distinct possibility that I might order you, I can't get enough. I have tons of work to do and spring break only lasts one more day, but I keep being drawn, like a moth to a flame, to this damn website, looking to read the latest discussion centered around you. And I am continually disappointed when I don't see a new post. Release me from your spell iPad!
  quote
solstace
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: London, UK
 
2010-03-14, 18:52

Two from me:

1) "Dear London Underground:

Please stop with the constant inane, overwhelming and soul-destroying chatter that you so regularly spout from your Public Address systems. Please understand the following:

- If I see something suspicious or threatening, it will be reported. I do not need to be reminded to do so at every opportunity.
- When I have luggage about my person, I do not intend to leave it behind anywhere except at my home when you eventually let me get there.
- I do not need to be reminded to stay behind the yellow line at all times. The sheer height of the drop from the platform to the tracks, and the fact that I know of the electrified rails keeps me far enough away from the edge all by itself, thank you very much.
- Your repeated robotic pleas do not make me want to be any more considerate to the passengers who wish to get off the train than I already am. My manners and attitude, things you have no control over except to worsen, will help here. If I stand in the way of those in a hurry to alight, I deserve everything I get from them, short of physical force. See Point number 1 for more on this.
- I know about the gap - it’s scary and it eats the unwary. It does not need minding - it exists quite happily by itself. I will avoid it where I see it. Light the gaps or close them. Your choice.
- Announcements of a “good service operating on all London Underground lines” should not be necessary. I mean really - are you celebrating getting through a period when you can say that? Why? We pay you for that good service. Please just tell us if there are problems, or tell us nothing.
- TURN IT DOWN (1): The volume, frequency of announcements, the tinny/distorted/painful speakers, and the inane content of each message is making me switch off my brain to all aural stimulation while using your services.
- TURN IT DOWN (2): If you need to announce everything at top volume, you’re doing it wrong. Cut the background noise, fix your PA systems, train those who make announcements in correct speech and microphone announcements, and run the service properly.
- Learn to talk properly! If I have a speech impediment or a particularly strong accent, it's highly probable that I’m not going to make it as radio DJ. That's practicality, not discrimination. Please stop making those who can neither speak nor properly understand English make announcements. They’ll just get ignored or ridiculed, and you’ll still be left wondering why we are all so frustrated, and why nobody pays any more attention than they have to.

Your prompt action to attend to these matters is desired but not expected.

Yours,

Frustrated of London"

2) "Dear sat-next-to-me-on-coach-lady,

It is not by strict choice that I'm sat next to you. I didn't realise at first that you're pregnant, perhaps because your enlarged frame seems rather familiar to you.

I did not pay good money to sit next to someone who needs a shower so badly, nor did I pay to sit crammed in next to your over-large frame, away from my wife whom I've yet to spend enough quality time with today. We're newly married and even we don't get *that* close. Move over already and respect my space as I'm quite happily respecting yours.

I appreciate you are trying to be quiet on your mobile phone, and that really is refreshing. But really, it's still not hard to hear you. While we're on the subject of telephone calls, from what I'm unavoidably overhearing I despise your life choices; I am incensed that my hard-earned and grudgingly-yet-fully-paid taxes are going to be spent putting you and your unwanted, unloved and as-yet unborn child into government-provided accommodation. Further, i am apoplectic at how you are going to receive £2000 from the state 'just for having a baby', and then moan on and on to your 'friend' about how awful it is to have to spend some (or all, or more) of it on, well you know, baby stuff.

I despise having to put up with you yammering on about how 'appaulling' the conditions are on the coach. You're large. That may or may not be your fault, but either way it does not entitle you to more space than the rest of us.

So please, grow a fricken brain, shut the feck up and above all, GROW UP. The world does not revolve around you, and nobody owes you a living. Least of all me."

Thank you AN, for this opportunity to vent in a more creative and (hopefully) harmless manner than most of us Englishfolk can muster.
  quote
Partial
Stallion
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Milwaukee
 
2010-03-17, 01:08

Dear Apple,

Please wait three weeks to release new MBP.

Best regards,
Parsh
  quote
Maciej
M AH - ch ain saw
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-17, 08:04

Dear Apple,

Please disregard Partial's ridiculous plea.

Forever yours,
Maciej

P.S. I forgot to mention, he's just drunk.
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Whitby
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2010-03-21, 17:54

Dear Car Drivers,

I am a cyclist. But I'm not that cyclist. You know, the one who ignores traffic lights. The one who hops onto the sidewalk when he feels like it. The one who uses pedestrian crossings, but then moves onto the road in front of you. Not him. Because he makes me mad too. Really, he does.

So please, stop treating me the way you treat him. We're not all mad-eyed lunatics, so you don't need to cut me up. You don't need to drive within 2" of me. You don't have to take out your anger at him on me.

You can wait a couple of seconds to let me get through the intersection because you'll still get there before me.

Thanks!

A Cyclist Who Understands The Rules.
  quote
Maciej
M AH - ch ain saw
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-21, 18:44

Off-topic (click to toggle):
I'm not much of a cyclist myself, I'm don't get out every week, much less daily. But I hate people who don't respect cyclists, it might be frustrating sharing the road with someone, but it really don't take much to make them feel safe.

User formally known as Sh0eWax
  quote
kieran
Tweeting @kierankelly
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: New York City
 
2010-04-07, 20:46

Dear OCD boss,

I understand that you need to feel important and better than me while you're checking my work, but stop being a douchebag and nitpicking over the smallest details.

You've been doing this 15 years. I don't even have six months. Cut me a little slack.

SIncerely,

KK
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
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2010-04-07, 21:24

Dear Bill Donohue,

I hope you are disemboweled, then choked to death with your own intestines.

-Rowdy
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Send a message via AIM to tomoe  
2010-04-07, 21:31

Dear Weather,

It's awesome and copacetic if we can just skip this spring bullshit and move directly to summer. 80º+ is great, and I long for lazy days at the beach.

Love,
Someone who prolly won't get wut tehy want

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
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2010-04-07, 23:51

Dear Weather,

Please, don't listen to Someone who prolly won't get wut tehy want. At least not yet, or not uniformly everywhere. His wish brings humidity to these parts and makes old injuries and allergies agonizing.

-Rowdy

Authentic Nova Scotia bagpipe innards
  quote
Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2010-04-08, 07:35

Dear Weather,

Fuck Someone who prolly won't get wut tehy want.

Regards.
  quote
BuonRotto
Not sayin', just sayin'
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Durham, NC
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2010-04-08, 08:16

Dear Florida driver with the *EEEUUUGGEEE* Fox News sticker on his rear window that reads:

"FOX NEWS CHANNEL
BE INFORMED
egnorence is cureable
stupidity is not"

You misspelled both "ignorance" and "curable".

Sincerely,

Buon
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
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2010-04-08, 08:24

Dear Tea Party,

Lern too spill things kurretly. Lern too politiks beter two.

- Rowdy's sanity
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Send a message via AIM to tomoe  
2010-04-08, 09:29

Dear Tea Party,

You'll always be teabaggers to me.

Love,
the lone lover of hot, sun drenched summer weather.
  quote
solstace
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: London, UK
 
2010-04-12, 03:49

Dear toilet,

I am so, so sorry.

Yours,

Relieved of London.
  quote
zsummers
Avast!
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New York?
 
2010-04-12, 04:45

Quote:
Originally Posted by BuonRotto View Post
Dear Florida driver with the *EEEUUUGGEEE* Fox News sticker on his rear window that reads:

"FOX NEWS CHANNEL
BE INFORMED
egnorence is cureable
stupidity is not"

You misspelled both "ignorance" and "curable".

Sincerely,

Buon
NEED PICS PLZ.

That's fabulous.
  quote
scratt
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: M-F: Thailand Weekends : F1 2010 - Various Tracks!
Send a message via Skype™ to scratt 
2010-04-13, 00:40

Dear ezkcdude,

If you are so sure of your arguments please stop PMing me with links and stuff and take it to the thread where we were discussing it so everyone can have a laugh.



Best,
scratt

'Remember, measure life by the moments that take your breath away, not by how many breaths you take'
Extreme Sports Cafe | ESC's blog | scratt's blog | @thescratt
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-04-28, 17:48

Dear Christians,

I know you like Jesus, a lot. And that's fine, really. I think it's great that He lives in your heart, but does He really need to be your password?

For everything?

Forgive me if I'm overstepping my boundaries here, but perhaps you might consider changing your password to something unique and harder to guess. This is especially true if your WiFi network is named something like "WhoIsTheKing" or "WhoIsMyLordAndSavior." I don't mean to be rude, but in those cases it's almost like not having a password -- rather than protecting yourself, you're just acting on blind faith that...oh.

Carry on, then.
Robo

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-04-28, 18:21

Seriously, though. The above post actually happened. Somebody really did name their WiFi network "WhoIsTheKing," and my first joking guess got me full access to what I believe is the WiFi network of a business. With customers. If I was a devil instead of a perfect little angel, who knows what information I could have divined?

So. If the above is you, you owe it to yourself to change your password. While a nonsensical blend of letters and numbers will always be the most secure option, if you insist on broadcasting your faith in the most literal sense of the term, here are some quick-and-Holy options that will at least keep the bored twentysomethings with Nintendo DSes out:

Chapter and verse. Instead of simply "jesus," why not use the reference for your favorite Bible verse? Not only does this guarantee you'll have letters and numbers in your password, but also the books of the Bible are often obscure words that aren't found in all dictionaries, like "Galatians."

Write it like Pilate. "JESVS" is harder to guess, and not in the dictionary. Thumbs up!

Speaketh in Leet. "j35u5" is the Savior for Web 2.0. Secure!

Christ, just add "christ." And maybe make up a middle initial for Him, that only you know. Secure, and faith-affirming.

There you have it -- all the tools you need to securify your web for you and your nucular family. Remember - when putting on the Armor of God, don't forget to protect your network, too!

But I'm preaching to the choir, here.

WHY YES THIS WAS JUST AN EXCUSE TO MAKE ALL THOSE PUNS

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
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2010-04-28, 18:35

I'd have totally hacked that shit.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-04-28, 18:46

Quote:
Originally Posted by RowdyScot View Post
I'd have totally hacked that shit.
Like I said, I think it was a business, because there really wasn't any houses nearby. Isn't that a scary thought! I know some mom-and-pop shops that seem to collect tons of personal information...I never thought that they might not be equipped to, you know, secure it. Scary stuff.

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
ezkcdude
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
 
2010-04-28, 19:00

I would've said LeBron, but maybe that's just me.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-04-28, 19:07

Quote:
Originally Posted by ezkcdude View Post
I would've said LeBron, but maybe that's just me.
My first impulse (when I first tried to connect) was that it was the WiFi for the nearby Burger King.

"ButI don't know who the King is! He's always wearing that creepy mask!"

But then it had a password, and BK doesn't put passwords on their (public) WiFi, so...

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
joveblue
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Melbourne
 
2010-04-28, 22:42

Could just as easily have been Elvis.
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Whitby
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2010-04-28, 23:40

There are those that consider them to be the same, essentially.
  quote
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