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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
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Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-09-07, 17:55

How about just,

Don't burn books.

I mean, I wouldn't mind if people organized burnings of my book, because it would mean I had achieved a certain level of popularity — based on my experience, fundies don't notice anything until it's an unavoidable pop culture phenomenon, which they of course view with great suspicion. But burning books just make you look bad, always. And also not very intelligent, since you're buying the books to burn them, thus financially supporting whatever it is you're protesting against...

If you really want to be an asshole Moral Guardian, pressuring stores into not carrying the book makes more sense as a form of protest. You'd still look bad (why are you so afraid of the free exchange of ideas?), but at least you wouldn't be essentially donating money to whatever you're protesting.

HTH! Robo <3 <3

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2010-09-11, 22:49

Dear Tradespeople:

We love you, we need you, we give you lots of money to do things we can't or won't do ourselves. We also know that you're generally super busy.

However, when making arrangements with clients, especially those who are deaf and can't just pick up the phone to call you, please be aware that 2 pm is not "sometime in the morning".

I am still waiting for you to show up. I have had to cancel my Sunday afternoon plans because at this point I have no idea when or even if you're going to bother to show up today. I also have an increasingly antsy dog who really would rather chase a ball in the park than sit at home with me.

When you do arrive what are the chances you'll give me a discount for time lost while waiting for you? Probably none. But it would be nice.

Waiting in hope
SB

Specialists are people who know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. Generalists are people who know less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything. I'm somewhere in the middle.
  quote
Kaelri
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: York, New
Send a message via AIM to Kaelri Send a message via MSN to Kaelri  
2010-10-13, 02:31

Dear throat,

No more coughing up blood, please. It makes it really hard to sleep.

Thank you so much,

Kael
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-10-13, 03:02

Dear Microsoft:

Kinect aside, you actually have been sort of not sucking lately! You just announced Mac support for your surprisingly solid mobile platform, you finally put WiFi in the Xbox, and you're making Outlook for Mac to boot. Keep up the good work!

However, for a company as large and fucked up as Microsoft, there's always room for improvement! Here's five simple things you should do.

1. Overhaul Internet Explorer. IE is your iTunes: it sucks and has no friends. iTunes sucks in part because Apple is increasingly building a media player into a store instead of the other way around, but there's really no reason for IE to suck. It's not like you makes more money by not using WebKit, like everybody else. And for heaven's sake, drop "Internet" from the name already. "Explorer" is evocative and memorable. "Internet Explorer" just gets abbreviated to "IE."

2. Make Zune for Mac.

3. Cut the "Windows Live" bullshit. There's nothing Windows-specific about Windows Live Hotmail. There's nothing "Live" about Windows Live Movie Maker. It's okay to build on the Xbox Live brand for your Windows web services, but you have to do it in a way that the average consumer can understand. Why not use Windows Live as a paid Mobile Me-style service? That's what "Live" suggests to me. Scale the brand back to four or five key services that work well, and sell it for $60/year.

4. Take the "Windows Live Essentials" home productivity suite, make it not suck, and sell it. It's bizarre that Apple beat you guys to the "Microsoft Office for the rest of your life" thing.

5. Take the Bing logo out back and shoot it.

Not really yours truly but maybe yours partially if you do some of these things,

Robo

Edit: P.S. Change the name of Windows Embedded Compact 7 to something friendlier, like "Windows Light" or "Windows Pad." How did Windows Embedded Compact 7 actually become a product name, seriously? Who actually read that and said, "Sounds good!" Fire that guy.

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong

Last edited by Robo : 2010-10-13 at 03:16.
  quote
Noel
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago
 
2010-10-13, 10:45

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
1. Overhaul Internet Explorer. IE is your iTunes: it sucks and has no friends. iTunes sucks in part because Apple is increasingly building a media player into a store instead of the other way around, but there's really no reason for IE to suck. It's not like you makes more money by not using WebKit, like everybody else. And for heaven's sake, drop "Internet" from the name already. "Explorer" is evocative and memorable. "Internet Explorer" just gets abbreviated to "IE."
They already have a program called Explorer: it's their Finder. I won't argue that IE could use a new name, however.
  quote
Banana
is the next Chiquita
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
 
2010-10-13, 10:52

<nitpick>Well, they would probably want to point out that it's Windows Explorer, and besides, it was supposedly originally one product - remember the fiasco over the bundling of IE several years ago?</nitpick>

I think "Exploder" is a good name, though.
  quote
Xaqtly
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-10-13, 10:52

Dear Self:

Stop taking on more than you can handle, you twit. You have a 10-hour-a-day job, a 60 mile commute, you're in two bands, and you have no free time. All last week you didn't get home before 11 PM every single night, so your dog, who loves you so much, was alone for 16 hours every day.

And guess what? Now I'm going into overdrive with creative shit. I want you to write songs, I want you to write stories, and what are you doing with that? You're writing at work, which means you can't do actual work, so you're falling behind on projects.

The hell is wrong with you? Where is your sense of self preservation? You are a huge mess. You love to do too many things, and we are still living on a planet that has a 24 hour cycle, and you have to sleep for a third of that.

And when you don't get enough sleep, I get cranky. You know what happens when I get cranky? That's right, I mess with the inner ear just so you fall down for no reason. How you like me now?

This is not a sustainable ecosystem you've created for us. Fix it or I will make your face look like this:

Love,

Your Brain
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-10-13, 11:00

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noel View Post
They already have a program called Explorer: it's their Finder. I won't argue that IE could use a new name, however.
I'm not unaware of that (technically it's "Windows Explorer," but then again technically IE is "Windows Internet Explorer;" Microsoft just loves sticking "Windows" in front of things). I don't see a problem with that; to the end user Windows Explorer is a non-product, being essentially indistinguishable from Windows.

In fact, I think Microsoft might even be preparing for just such a rebranding for IE 10. Here are the new IE9 logos, notice anything different about the new logo's treatment of the word "Internet"? It's smaller and separated from "Explorer," which is emphasized. Which only makes sense. After all, the logo is an "e," not an "i."

If you're arguing for an IE rebranding you're essentially arguing for it to adopt the name "Explorer;" the e icon has too much equity for Microsoft to dream of abandoning it. Microsoft will probably drop the "Internet" to "rejuvenate the brand" with a "change event" when they're suitably desperate, just as they rebranded Windows Mobile to Windows Phone.

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-10-13, 12:03

By the way, here's a LifeHacker article saying everything I've been saying forever. (Vindication!)

"Live Drive," "Live Share," "Live Sync," and "Live Care." That's all you really need, if that. That's something people can actually, y'know, grasp. This is just ridiculous.

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
 
2010-10-13, 15:02

Dear eBay,

I'm trying to find tan suits for a Halloween costume. So I searched for that under the "Men's Suits and Tuxedos", then sorted by price from low to high, because I'm thrifty like that. I would love to know what in the fuck the purpose of the "Men's Nude Enhancer Sling" is and how it ended up in the Suits & Tuxedos section.

Baffled, amused, and mildly scandalized,
me

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
  quote
Capella
Dark Cat of the Sith
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Send a message via AIM to Capella  
2010-10-14, 14:45

Dear Steak 'n Shake:

I am very pleased with your fine establishment. Your website's menu prominently lists a link to the allergen information, which so many restaurants do not do. This is a godsend for those of us with food allergies. Thanks to your menu, I knew that the Steakburger Bun contained whey, so that when I went to my local one, I could get a triple steakburger without the bun and thus avoid any allergy problems.

I will always patronize a company that provides me with accurate and comprehensive allergen information over a company that hides pdfs somewhere in weird back corners of the website. Thank you for being conscientious about my health by visibly posting your allergen information.

Sincerely,

Capella

(P.S. the steakburger and fries are awesome, dudes.)

"A blind, deaf, comatose, lobotomy patient could feel my anger!" - Darth Baras
twitter ; amateur photographer ; fanfiction writer ; roleplayer and worldbuilder
  quote
Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2010-10-14, 21:14

Dear Steak 'n Shake:

Frisco melt? You are gods.

Gaaarrggghh...
Brad
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2010-10-14, 21:31

Dear Steak 'n Shake:

You brought back the Caramel Apple Milkshake. We had a deal - if I drop 30 pounds, you bring in a healthier option, like more yogurt smoothies. I hate and love you.

Regards,
Rowdy's waistline

Authentic Nova Scotia bagpipe innards
  quote
Capella
Dark Cat of the Sith
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Send a message via AIM to Capella  
2010-10-14, 21:55

Oh god I think I started a trend.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-10-14, 21:58

I've never even heard of Steak 'n Shake before. I feel so left out
  quote
turtle
Lord of the Rant.
Formerly turtle2472
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Upstate South Carolina
 
2010-10-14, 22:10

You are.

It really is a great place to get food. Really. If you have the chance to stop by one it is worth it. I'll give you a cookie though since you're so left out.

Louis L'Amour, “To make democracy work, we must be a nation of participants, not simply observers. One who does not vote has no right to complain.”
Visit our archived Minecraft world! | Maybe someday I'll proof read, until then deal with it.
  quote
addison
Formerly “AWM”
 
Join Date: May 2009
 
2010-10-14, 22:12

Your arteries are thrilled you never heard of them!!

The above mentioned frisco melt is 750 calories (480 from fat) , 53g of fat (17g sat. fat) and 95mg of cholesterol. Throw in fries and it gets even scarier.
  quote
turtle
Lord of the Rant.
Formerly turtle2472
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Upstate South Carolina
 
2010-10-14, 22:16

You say that as though it isn't worth it.
  quote
Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2010-10-14, 23:58

Quote:
Originally Posted by AWM View Post
Your arteries are thrilled you never heard of them!!

The above mentioned frisco melt is 750 calories (480 from fat) , 53g of fat (17g sat. fat) and 95mg of cholesterol. Throw in fries and it gets even scarier.
That's all? Hell, next time I'll have TWO!
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
 
2010-10-27, 07:42

Dear Condé Nast cafeteria,

I'm fully supportive of your move to serve Thanksgiving dinner almost a month early. Especially when it's at the level of deliciousness you achieved yesterday.

love,
sated

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
  quote
kieran
@kk@pennytucker.social
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
 
2010-10-27, 07:56

Dear Apple,

I was more than willing to pay you $300 if you would have just given me the white iPhone 4 like I asked.

I know they exist, there are pictures.

Now, I will have my iPhone 3G soldier on until the iPhone 5 comes out. It's going to be a long wait...

-K

No more Twitter. It's Mastodon now.
  quote
kieran
@kk@pennytucker.social
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
 
2011-01-08, 20:51

Dear Apple,

As surprised as some people may be, I'm still holding out for the white iPhone.

I will be extremely upset if for any reason the white iPhone is a Verizon exclusive. There is no way for me to switch carriers and even though I wouldn't be upgrading anyway, I'll still be upset.

Just please have a white iPhone ready for the summer.

Thanks.

-KK

No more Twitter. It's Mastodon now.
  quote
Kaelri
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: York, New
Send a message via AIM to Kaelri Send a message via MSN to Kaelri  
2011-01-23, 19:39

Dear Senator Jim Alesi,

I know you must be going through a stressful time right now. A situation like this always brings with it a great deal of expense, adversity, and media scrutiny. And maybe it's not my place to be a Monday-morning quarterback. But in the interest of averting future calamity, I wanted to take a few minutes to suggest several points where an alternative decision may save you some grief.
  1. If you would like to tour a house that's up for sale, start by calling the owners, or the real estate agency - their number is usually printed on a sign in the front yard. (Reading this sign is also a good way to learn that the house has already been sold.) If the owners are home, try knocking on the front door. If not, come back later.
  2. If you are unable to contact the owners, do not attempt to open the front door.
  3. If the front door is locked, you should take it as a strong indication that the house is not open to the public.
  4. If the basement door is unlocked, it does not mean that the front door was just kidding.
  5. If, once inside, you discover that the house does not have stairs, the building is probably under construction. If you are not a qualified construction worker, it may not be safe for you to proceed.
  6. Before mounting a utility ladder, try to secure it using a rope or heavy object, and bring footwear with good traction on the soles.
  7. If the homeowners choose not to sue you for trespassing after you break your leg falling from a utility ladder in their basement, appropriate expressions of gratitude include writing a letter, baking cookies, or paying to have your blood cleaned from their floor. A lawsuit is not an appropriate expression of gratitude.
  8. If you would still like to maintain the barest veneer of innocence, do not file your lawsuit on the same day that the statute of limitations runs out on your trespassing charge.
  9. If you decide to ignore any or all of the above recommendations, do not expect to continue a career in professional politics.
Wishing you a speedy recovery from your monumental shortsightedness,

M.E.

Last edited by Kaelri : 2011-01-23 at 21:00.
  quote
zsummers
Avast!
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New York?
 
2011-02-08, 00:00

Dear New York City Apartment Application Process,

Is your maxim: "know thyself, applicant?" Because, truly, you require more information about me than I know about myself. You require more information than Google, or Wolfram Alpha, or Watson, or whatever latest-greatest information hungry DATASUCK is currently in vogue. My W-2s for the past three years, my signed tax returns for the past two, my last six pay stubs, every address I've lived at in the last six years, four professional references and two personal ones, two guarantors, photocopies of our IDs, a letter from my employer, and a reference from my last landlord.

I wish that I were kidding.

I mean, really? But you crossed the line when you said you needed the first two pages of MY BROTHER'S W-2. How about my wedding photos or my medical file to make sure I'm really married and I won't die in the apartment? Maybe you could come by my office and watch me work for the day, to make sure I am sufficiently motivated to maintain my current levels of compensation. PERHAPS A RECTAL EXAM WOULD SATISFY YOU.

I hope this is the last time I deal with you. I hope this tiny, tiny, tiny apartment is worth it. And I hope that with a little bit of magic and a reanimated corpse, you can use everything you now know about me to put together a working replica of me who will take care of all of this paperwork.

Screw you, Process,
zsummers

"How could you falter / when you're the Rock of Gibralter? / I had to get off the boat so I could walk on water. / This ain't no tall order. / This is nothing to me. / Difficult takes a day. / Impossible takes a week."
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-03-03, 17:57

Dear slightly bearish guy who drives an orange classic Beetle convertible even in the rain and sometimes comes to the restaurant I hang out at and always sits alone and quietly texts on an old cheap flip phone,

I think you and your car are adorable. I wish I could let you know.

-the guy with the iPad

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Maciej
M AH - ch ain saw
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2011-03-04, 00:23

Dear christ,

Welcome to AN!

-Maciej

Although I'm not sure whether he's likely or unlikely to respond.
  quote
Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2011-03-04, 01:07



The new guy is actually a coworker of mine, Chris T.
  quote
Partial
Stallion
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Milwaukee
 
2011-03-04, 14:33

Dear Sprint,

We want the iPhone. You want to compete with the big boys? Get the iPhone 5.

Make it available on SERO, too.

Forever yours... faithfully... so long as there's an iPhone,
Partial

...and calling/e-mailing/texting ex-girlfriends on the off-chance they'll invite you over for some "old time's sake" no-strings couch gymnastics...

Last edited by Partial : 2011-03-04 at 15:00.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-03-04, 14:39

I fully expect Sprint to offer the iPhone 5. But:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Partial View Post
Make it available on SERO, too.


Not. Gonna. Happen.

But you might be able to get an iPhone mini on Virgin Mobile's Beyond Talk, which is sorta the same thing, right? Just, y'know, with fewer minutes, and no roaming, and no device discount...

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: The Canadark
 
2011-03-04, 14:59

Might be able to get an unannounced handset on a network that doesn't sell iPhones at present?

That's a lot of "might".
  quote
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