User Name
AppleNova Forums » AppleOutsider »

Merry Christmas, Bob

Register Members List Calendar Search FAQ Posting Guidelines
Merry Christmas, Bob
Thread Tools
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
2005-12-31, 17:41

Hey all, just a little inspiration from that drunk ass up in Canada. (my last day of beer, enjoying it while it lasts... )

This is an article from T-Nation that's been around for a few years. It kick-started me last year into making a change in how I take care of myself. I went from a lazy, miserable 205 pounds down to a leaner and gentler 178 over the course of about 7 months. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm still miserable, but I have a much nicer ass now.

I had somehow let myself go, and woke up one day at my heaviest weight ever - 205. I held it decently, but the ol' chin was growin' a little, and my wife was starting to dry my jeans at way too high a setting, and they were really starting to shrink. I spent many nights drinking beer and munching nachos (this is how I brainstorm) but I couldn't figure it out... I was Bob.

Anyway, this is kind of stupid, but I honestly did read this article, which was right around the time I looked at my beer gut and said "holy fuck guy, look at that fucking gut!". I quit drinking beer for about 5 months, cleaned up my diet like crazy, and hit the gym 4 times a week. I went from 205 lbs at 28% BF to 178 lbs at 15%. Dropped 30 pounds of fat and managed to gain about 4 pounds of muscle while doing it - the benefit of cutting calories only slightly, keeping protein high, and keeping weights fairly heavy.

Of course I've managed to slip back a bit, because of a big jump in my workload, health issues with family members, etc... things I could have worked around if I were 100% committed, but I let a little of "Bob" back into my system. Not this fucking year.

I printed this out and read it a few more times, using it for a little slap in the face.

So I'm back on my no beer, and one cheat meal per week diet, and daily exercise regimen. I'm going shopping alone tomorrow to stock up on my staple foods. I've been looking so forward to this for the last few weeks, I can't wait to jump back in with both feet and have at it. 10 pounds to go until I'm back down to my low point of 178 that I hit in July, and then it's muscle building time, baby.

Anyway, enough of my blabbering, here's the article. Enjoy.

"So, what are you doing for a living these days?" Bob asked me. We're sitting on the couch at one of those tedious holiday get-togethers, you know, the ones where you're supposed to be nice to family members you never see except during major holidays and funerals. I think Bob is my wife's brother-in-law's second cousin or something.

"I'm the assistant editor and a writer for Testosterone magazine," I say. Bob looks at me with a blank expression on his face, as if I'd just told him I sell handmade testicle warmers beside the freeway and was looking to open franchises across the nation.

"It's a bodybuilding magazine," I say.

Blank expression. Deer caught in the headlights. Ronnie Coleman doing trigonometry.

"Oh," Bob finally says, "I heard you were, like, one of those bodybuilder guys or something. So, what's that like, you know, working out every day and stuff? I just don't have time to lift weights all day, but I have been meaning to get rid of this beer belly." He takes another sip of beer. "What do you suggest?" Sip.

At first I was a little offended. I wanted to grab him up and say, "You can't tell I'm a bodybuilder?! Look at my ass! Now, if that's not a nice round squat-built piece of sirloin, I don't know what is! You think that comes naturally? I can crack walnuts with this puppy! Wanna see? Huh, punk? Do ya? Do ya?"

Then I realize this just might cause a scene and could cost me several Christmas presents. I was planning on returning any presents I got and using the money to buy a power rack, so I didn't want to jeopardize this gift getting opportunity. I also realized that old Bob probably had a certain preconceived image of a bodybuilder and I just didn't fit that image. I'm not gorilla huge; I weigh about 205 at 5'11" right now. (When I first started lifting I was a pudgy 159, so that's not too shabby.) Also, I wasn't wearing clown pants, a fluorescent string tank top, a hanky on my head and one of those little fanny packs. And isn't that what real bodybuilders are supposed to wear?

Bob continued to sit there drinking his Natural Light, smoking a cigarette and waiting for an answer, oblivious to the fact that he'd come this close to seeing some serious walnut- crunching ass power. I tried to figure out how I could explain to the average guy what the typical T-Man does and why he does it. How could I get him to understand what it is we do, how we feel, how we live? So I took a deep breath and told him something like this:

"Well, Bob, I guess you could use the term bodybuilder if you really need a label for what it is we do. Most of us actually don't stand on stage and compete, though. We lift weights and manipulate our diets so that we'll look good naked. Sure, it's healthy too, and we'll probably live a longer and more productive life than the average guy, but mostly it's about the naked thing. Truthfully, it goes beyond even that.

"Let's be honest here. We do it because of people like you, Bob. We look at you sitting there with your gut hanging over your belt and we watch you grunt and groan just getting out of a chair. Guys like you are our inspiration, Bob. You're better than Anthony Robbins, Bill Phillips, Deepak Chopra, and Zig fucking Ziglar all wrapped up into one. We love it when guys like you talk about not having time to exercise. Every time we see you munching on a bag of potato chips, you inspire us. You're my shot in the arm, Bob, my living and breathing wake-up call, my own personal success coach.

"You want to know what it is we do? We overcome. We're too busy to train, too, but we overcome. We're too busy to prepare healthy meals and eat them five or six times a day, but we overcome. We can't always afford supplements, our genetics aren't perfect, and we don't always feel like going to the gym. Some of us used to be just like you, Bob, but guess what? We've overcome.

"We like to watch 'normal' people like you tell us about how they can't get in shape. We smile and nod sympathetically like we feel your pain, but actually, we're thinking that you're a pathetic piece of shit that needs to grow a spine and join a gym. You smile sheepishly and say that you just can't stay motivated and just can't stand that feeling of being sore. (For some reason you think that admitting your weaknesses somehow justifies them.) We listen to you bitch and moan. We watch you look for the easy way out. Because of people like you, Bob, we never miss a workout.

"You ask us for advice about diet and training and usually we politely offer some guidance, but deep inside we know you won't take our advice. You know that too. We smile and say, 'Hope that helps. Good luck,' but actually we're thinking, 'Boy, it would suck to be you.' We know that 99% of people won't listen to us. Once they hear that it takes hard work, sacrifice and discipline, they stop listening and tune us out.

"We know they wanted us to say that building a great body is easy, but it just isn't. This did not take five minutes a day on a TorsoTrack. We did not get this way in 12 short weeks using a Bowflex and the Suzanne Somers' 'Get Skinny' diet. A good body does not cost five easy payments of $39.95.

"We like it that while you're eating a candy bar and drinking Mountain Dew, we're sucking down a protein shake. You see, that makes it taste even better to us. While you're asleep we're either getting up early or staying up late, hitting the iron, pushing ourselves, learning, succeeding and failing and rising above the norm with every rep. Can you feel that, Bob? Can you relate? No? Good. This wouldn't be half as fun if you could.

"We do it because we absolutely and totally get off on it. We do it because people like you, Bob, either can't or won't. We do it because what we do in the gym transfers over into the rest of our lives and changes us, physically, mentally, maybe even spiritually. We do it because it beats watching fishing and golf on TV. By the way, do you know what it's like to turn the head of a beautiful woman because of the way you're built? It feels good, Bob. Damned good.

"When we're in the gym, we're in this indescribable euphoria zone. It's a feeling of being on, of being completely alive and aware. If you haven't been there, then it's like trying to describe color to a person who's been blind since birth. Within this haze of pleasure and pain, there's knowledge and power, self-discipline and self-reliance. If you do it long enough, Bob, there's even enlightenment. Sometimes, the answers to questions you didn't even know you had are sitting there on those rubber mats, wrapped up in a neat package of iron plates and bars.

"Want to lose that beer belly, Bob? I have a nutty idea. Put down the fucking beer. I'll tell you what, Bob. Christmas morning I'm getting up real early and hitting the iron. I want to watch my daughter open her presents and spend the whole day with her, so this is the only time I have to train. The gym will be closed, so I'm going out in my garage to workout. You be at my house at six in the morning, okay? I'll be glad to help you get started on a weight training program. It'll be colder than Hillary Clinton's coochie in there, so dress warm.

"But let me tell you something, Bob. If you don't show up, don't bother asking me again. And don't you ever sit there and let me hear you bitch about your beer belly again. This is your chance, your big opportunity to break out of that rut. If you don't show up, Bob, you've learned a very important lesson about yourself, haven't you? You won't like that lesson.

"You won't like that feeling in the pit of your stomach either or that taste in your mouth. It will taste worse than defeat, Bob. Defeat tastes pretty goddamned nasty, but what you'll be experiencing will be much worse. It will be the knowledge that you're weak, mentally and physically. What's worse is that you'll have accepted that feeling. The feeling will always be with you. In the happiest moments of your life, it'll be there, lying under the surface like a malignant tumor. Ignore it at your own peril, Bob.

"Don't look at me like that either. This just may be the best Christmas present you'll get this year. Next Christmas, Bob, when I see you again, I'm going to be a little bigger, a little stronger, and a little leaner. What will you be? Will you still be making excuses? This is a gift, Bob, from me to you. I'm giving you the chance to look fate in those pretty eyes of hers and say, 'Step off, bitch. This is my party and you're not invited.' What do you say, Bob? Monday, Christmas morning, 6am, my house. The ball's in your court."

Okay, so maybe that's not the exact words I used with Bob, but you get the picture. Will Bob show up Monday? I don't know, but I kind of doubt it. In fact, Bob will probably take me off his Christmas card list. He probably thinks I've got "too much Testosterone," like that's a bad thing. I think Bob is just stuck in a rut, and as the saying goes, the only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.

The way out of the rut is to make major changes in your life, most of which won't be too pleasant in the beginning. The opportunity to make those changes seldom comes as bluntly as I put it to Bob. Most of the time, that opportunity knocks very softly. What I did was basically give Bob a verbal slap in the face. You can react two ways to a slap. You can get angry at the person doing the slapping, or you can realize that he was just trying to get you to wake up and focus on what you really want and, more importantly, what it'll take to get it.

If you're a regular T-mag reader, I doubt you need to be called out like Bob. But maybe you've caught yourself slacking a little here lately. Maybe you've missed a few workouts or maybe you started a little too early on the usual holiday feasting, like, say, back in September. Just remember that the time to start working on that summer body is now. The time to get rid of those bad habits that hold you back in the gym is now. You want to look totally different by next Christmas? Start now. This isn't because of the holidays or any corny New Year's resolutions either. The best time is always now.

Christmas day I want you to enjoy being with your family and friends. I want you to open presents, sip a little eggnog and have a good meal. But if your regularily scheduled workout happens to fall on December 25th, what will you be doing at six o'clock that morning?

That's what separates us from guys like Bob.
So, are you going to be Bob for another year, or are you going to fucking do something about it?

Happy New Years.

Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
2005-12-31, 17:59

OMG, how could I forget this classic, an open letter to fat people:

Die, Fatty, Die.

If that doesn't make you want to put the oreos down, nothing will.

Now, I'm off to do some pushups and chin-ups!
I shot the sherrif.
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via ICQ to alcimedes  
2005-12-31, 18:49

I would rather die than give up beer.

If I have to lift twice as much to work it off, so be it. No way I'm giving up beer though.

Google is your frenemy.
Caveat Emptor - Latin for tough titty
I tend to interpret things in the way that's most hilarious to me
Not sayin', just sayin'
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Durham, NC
Send a message via AIM to BuonRotto Send a message via Yahoo to BuonRotto  
2005-12-31, 19:07

We've been following parallel tracks, murbeau. When I moved to Cackalacky about 16 months ago, I was about 205 pounds as well, down from 210 around the previous Christmas. Just before Thanksgiving, 2004, I finally realized that I wasn't going to lose the weight just because I lived somewhere else. So I joined a health club near work, brought a gym bag in the back of my car, and went straight to the gym 5 nights a week at 6pm. I gave up the regular soda and learned to tolerate diet, stopped making excuses to eat fast food because I didn't feel like cooking, and worked out for at least an hour when I had the time. I made exercise a priority.

I lost 5 pounds by Christmas. I hit a plateau in January and lost another 5 in February. I lost another 5 in April. I lost 5 in late June and early July. I lost about 20 pounds in time for the family birthdays in August. I then lost 10 pounds in august and September, and made another push to lose another 10 pounds in October. By Halloween, I had lost almost 40 pounds, from 205 to just over 165. I've since gained about 7 pounds back, to about 173, some of it from emotional eating and the holidays, but much of it from changing my workouts and gaining some muscle.

I'm no body builder, nor do I want to be, but I am in good shape again for the first time in 8 years. My blood pressure is excellent, my cholesterol is excellent, my resting heart rate is lower, I don't struggle carrying groceries, and I don't huff and puff climbing stairs. I walk as much as possible and I still work out. I'm cooking for myself a lot more too. I've had to buy a new wardrobe for the most part, which has been nice aesthetically but not financially. I went from a 38" waist to a 33" waist; none of my dress clothes or suits fit anymore, and they can't be altered.

Having said all that, I rather feel empathetic towards people who are overweight. It took some big changes in my life and finally got my act together after years of feeling like nothing worked and it was too late. At the end of the day, it doesn't happen on its own though. My sister was trying to lose weight too, and she asked that I read the Dr. Phil book about weight loss along with her. While a lot of it was familiar to me and anyone who knows about cognitive therapy, it might be of use to folks who need a push. It does have some good exercises and hits home on some examples and anecdotes.

The biggest mistake people make when they want to lose weight is they make it a New Year's resolution. Their goal is too big and too far off to meet, the goal is rather arbitrary and ultimately meaningless. Most importantly, people don't go about changing their priorities which make weight loss possible, they sort of treat it like it happens in a vacuum.

Good luck to everyone in '06! We have Bob, Buon and Murbeau as proof it can happen.

PS: I haven't given up beer by any means. Hell, I went to the World Beer Festival here in October. I just don't have it as often and drink less of it when I do have it.
Posting Rules Navigation
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Post Reply

Forum Jump
Thread Tools
Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Your Holiday Traditions Windswept AppleOutsider 112 2012-11-29 15:24
The Very Merry Christmas Thread Franz Josef AppleOutsider 21 2005-12-27 11:39
Chester's 2005 Christmas Message and Gift Giving crazychester AppleOutsider 53 2005-12-17 09:30
Dr Bob Moog - very ill Mac+ AppleOutsider 8 2005-08-22 14:18
Christmas Physics 709 AppleOutsider 10 2004-12-23 19:12

« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:54.

Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2023, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004 - 2023, AppleNova