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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
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chucker
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: near Bremen, Germany
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2010-08-14, 09:59

A++
  quote
psmith2.0
Mr. Vieira
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Tennessee
 
2010-08-14, 10:03

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hassan i Sabbah View Post
Dear Me.

I was displeased when you punched yourself in the face this morning. I don't care that that it was an accident. When you are turning the futon mattress over, take a firm grip. That way when it slips your clenched fist won't fly off the seam and smack your right eye under the brow.

No one will believe that you gave yourself a black eye, you FUCKING MORON.

My very best regards, etc.,

Me
Good grief.

I seem to recall you having a run-in or two with some thug types over the years. So it's bad enough that you've gotten into scrapes with others, but now you're kicking your own ass too? You can't catch a break, huh?

You need a vacation.

  quote
Hassan i Sabbah
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: london and københavn
 
2010-08-14, 10:46

Yeah, I KICKED MY ASS.

Actually I must admit I'm slightly exaggerating. I did punch myself in the face, that's true, but the mark is very small. I'm more annoyed with myself for the fact I did it all, frankly.

gibberish
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: The Canadark
 
2010-08-14, 14:23

Quote:
Originally Posted by chucker View Post
Getting 'a' vs. 'an' wrong is not "ok" either.
*shakes fist* And I would have got away with it too, if it weren't for that damn Chucker!
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-08-22, 18:18

Dear whom,

Fuck youm.

-Robo
  quote
Ebby
Subdued and Medicated
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Over Yander
Send a message via AIM to Ebby  
2010-08-23, 12:40

Dear Beltley driver;

Yeah that bump as we both backed into each other in the parking lot really sucked. Thank you for being calm and civil like myself. You do have a nice car and you seem like an intelligent and successful person. There is a big difference in income when you compare your "new $200,000" car against my $14,000 Honda. But I have a question...

Why the heck do you not have proof of insurance in your $200,000 car? Seriously? Also, why would you let your registration expire months ago? You are obviously smarter then that.

These are things required by California law for the privilege of driving on our roads.

Is there a scam going on I can't comprehend? To me it looks like it's only biting you in the ass.

Sincerely,
-Confused

^^ One more quality post from the desk of Ebby. ^^
SSBA | SmockBogger | SporkNET
  quote
murbot
Hoonigan
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2010-08-23, 13:43

Dear Calves and Feet,

Sorry about that 3 1/2 hour walk on Saturday morning. I just started, got into that podcast, and time flew. Yeah, you're getting a little more work while I'm wearing the Vibram Five Fingers, but you'll thank me eventually. Hey feet, at least I gave you some fresh air for about half an hour while I ran through that one park barefoot. That was cool.

Anyway, if you could quit reminding me about the damn walk every time I step, that would be great. It's not like I haven't fed you several Advil caps. Put a fucking lid on it, we'll do it a few more times, then you can put on your big boy pants and quit crying, ok?

Lovingly,

The guy who will stomp you on nails if you don't shut up
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
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2010-08-23, 17:40

Quote:
Originally Posted by murbot View Post
Dear Calves and Feet,

Sorry about that 3 1/2 hour walk on Saturday morning. I just started, got into that podcast, and time flew. Yeah, you're getting a little more work while I'm wearing the Vibram Five Fingers, but you'll thank me eventually. Hey feet, at least I gave you some fresh air for about half an hour while I ran through that one park barefoot. That was cool.

Anyway, if you could quit reminding me about the damn walk every time I step, that would be great. It's not like I haven't fed you several Advil caps. Put a fucking lid on it, we'll do it a few more times, then you can put on your big boy pants and quit crying, ok?

Lovingly,

The guy who will stomp you on nails if you don't shut up
  quote
Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2010-08-23, 19:23

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hassan i Sabbah View Post
Dear Me.

I was displeased when you punched yourself in the face this morning. I don't care that that it was an accident. When you are turning the futon mattress over, take a firm grip. That way when it slips your clenched fist won't fly off the seam and smack your right eye under the brow.

No one will believe that you gave yourself a black eye, you FUCKING MORON.

My very best regards, etc.,

Me

LMAO.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-08-25, 01:14

Dear Scribner,

I thoroughly enjoyed your new Tenth Anniversary Edition of Stephen King's On Writing, as I should, as I've purchased the book twice now. Still, it was worth it to replace my well-worn mass market edition with an elegant trade paperback. But there's a problem.

The text starts on page 17. This, in and of itself, isn't a big deal — it's non-traditional to include the front matter (pages labeled with little roman numerals) in your page count when you reach the body text, but it's not unheard of. I do the exact same thing in one of my novels, right down to starting at page 17 (which is important!). The problem is, there's only twelve pages of front matter. You skip from page xii to 17.

I bet I can tell you exactly what happened. It's obvious: You shortened the front matter and forgot to adjust the pagination (which is a pity, because I think Stephen would have rather liked to see his memoir start on page 13). It's painfully obvious that you shortened the front matter because you begin the first and third forewords on the verso (left page). This is awkward and inelegant. Proper page breaks would add a page before and after each...the missing four pages.

It's equally obvious where those pages went: as there's no errors in pagination throughout the body text (I'll at least give you that much), the seemingly last-minute adjustment at the beginning must be to account for an addition of material at the end, and sure enough, the new-for-this-edition extension to Stephen King's reading list is exactly four pages, bringing the "page count" to a bizarre 292.*

I'm not complaining (getting dozens more book recommendations instead of four blank pages is hardly a raw deal), but fix your damn pagination next time. You think no one notices. You think there will be no one to stop you. You're probably right, but I'm that no one, I'm the crazy pagination maven who's supposed to keep you honest, like the people who call Dove with questions about soap in The Tipping Point.

And, speaking of The Tipping Point: Back Bay Books, page 255 of the trade paperback edition contains the wrong page header.

Love and good times,
Robo



*) Some of you might be wondering, why did adding these four pages necessitate removing pages from the front matter? Books are printed many pages at a time, usually 16 or 32. This is why some books have blank pages at the end, and why if you count all the pages in a book (making sure to count the front matter if it's not included in the page count) you'll count to the same numbers again and again, like 256, 272, and 288, which is how many pages On Writing really has.

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2010-08-25, 01:39

Dear Dr. Sherley (one of the plaintiffs who was successful in getting the courts to impose an injunction on federally-funded embryonic stem cell research)

You argued for the ban of federal funding of ESC research on the grounds that it makes it harder for you to compete for grant money to support your own research with adult stem cells. OK, fine. But the fact that you received nearly half a million dollars in federal funding for your research kind of makes that argument a little weak. Coupled with the fact that almost twice as much NIH grant money goes to ASC research compared to ESC research, you don't seem to have much of a case.

A quick Google search on your name shows that you are an outspoken opponent of ESC research (and abortion) because you believe it involves the destruction of innocent human lives.

Based on that little tidbit I need to ask you: Are you sure your motives for opposing funding ESC research are really due to the "competition for grants" thing and not based on moral grounds? Because it appears that you're not telling the whole truth here.

In any case, thanks to you, hundreds of people stand to lose their jobs because researchers can no longer afford to pay them once their federal funding dries up, amongst many other problems.

Thanks, dude. Seriously.

PS I really want to say more but don't want to get in any libel trouble...I might already be skirting it here. I'm just PO'd to the max.

Specialists are people who know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. Generalists are people who know less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything. I'm somewhere in the middle.
  quote
SpecMode
Wait what
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: El Dorado County, California
 
2010-08-25, 01:40

Since we're in the habit of writing letters to ourselves 'round here, I've got one of my own.

Dear Brain,

Seeing as you are responsible for everything I know and do on a daily basis, it came as somewhat of a surprise to me that you seem to have confused yourself for some kind of bird (or dinosaur). How did I come to this conclusion, you may ask? Well, it seems that you've been making admirable efforts over the last hour or so to pound your way out of my head.

Let me assure you that my skull is not, in fact, an unusually-reinforced eggshell, nor are you some kind of avian longing to feel the air rushing beneath your wings. You are a blobby, greyish cluster of neurons and synapses, and even were you to find yourself free of the confines of my head, you wouldn't make it very far on account of being physically tethered to my spine. Not to mention a glaring lack of wings (or appendages of any kind, really).

Plus, it really kinda hurts. In short, knock it off.

Respectfully, me.

(Off to take some Tylenol and get some sleep...)
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-08-25, 01:52

That reminds me.

Dear Neil Gaiman:

Stop taking all the good titles for short story collections.

You too, Michael Chabon, you sexy beast.

-Robo
  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2010-08-25, 02:13

To Public Transport Users in Melbourne:

Most of you are well-behaved and respectable users of the system who do the right thing. And I thank you for that.

For the rest of you, I have a few things I need to get off my chest:

1) Trains and trams are not pubs or bars. Enough with drinking alcohol on public transport. It's not really pleasant to be stuck next to someone who reeks of booze and is drinking a huge bottle of malt liquor at 7 in the morning.

2) Smoking on public transport went out ages ago. To all of you who think you're entitled to smoke on the tram because you don't want to waste a cigarette you just lit: Fuck you, you're a self-absorbed asshole.

3) People wearing backpacks: Take the fucking things off and hold them in your hands. It's not fun to have to squeeze through an aisle when you and your fucking backpacks are taking up 7/8ths of the available aisle.

4) For God's sake, take a shower occasionally!!

Public transportation in Melbourne is already a pain in the ass without you assholes making it worse with your selfish and asshole-ish behaviour.

Much love
Disgruntled public transport user.

Specialists are people who know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. Generalists are people who know less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything. I'm somewhere in the middle.
  quote
Mac+
9" monochrome
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: 🇦🇺
 
2010-08-25, 04:25

ditto

Also, to that gentleman (and I use the term loosely) on the packed morning train to the city (Glen Waverley line) who insists on putting his feet on the opposite seat so he can rest his laptop on his knees, preventing others from sitting down... you're an inconsiderate pig.

Actually, I've had it. Next time I see you, I'm going to attempt to sit on your feet so you get the hint.

All I want is a simple life
twitter
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
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2010-08-25, 05:21

Dear internal clock,

Please, can we stop this madness? We had it set - we were going to bed at 11. That became midnight, then 2, then 4, and now it's 5 AM. This isn't healthy. For anyone. Can we please stop responding to everything with insomnia?

Authentic Nova Scotia bagpipe innards
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
 
2010-08-25, 09:23

Dear person who stood in front of the condiments & napkins while slowly typing out a text message,

0/10.

sincerely,
me
  quote
psmith2.0
Mr. Vieira
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Tennessee
 
2010-08-25, 10:07

Dear Authors, TV Networks and Movie Studios -

Knock it off already with all the vampire shit. It's getting a little ridiculous.

- Paul

PS - Not everything has to be in 3D either.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-08-25, 13:29

Quote:
Originally Posted by pscates2.0 View Post
Dear Authors, TV Networks and Movie Studios -

Knock it off already with all the vampire shit. It's getting a little ridiculous.

- Paul

PS - Not everything has to be in 3D either.
Literally half the YA fiction aisle at Target is vampire books with black, and dark, Twilight-esque covers (and the rest is older books). Vampire Kisses. Vampire Moon. Vampire Diaries. It's crazy. I think HarperTeen's fall list is nothing but vampire books.

I give Scholastic major props for releasing their biggest book of the year — Suzanne Collins' Mockingjay — with a pleasant sky blue cover. There's a series that could easily do the grimdark cover thing (it's dystopian sci-fi) but doesn't. It looks like nothing else on the shelf, which is kinda sad, but good for them.

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2010-08-25, 18:04

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac+ View Post
ditto

Also, to that gentleman (and I use the term loosely) on the packed morning train to the city (Glen Waverley line) who insists on putting his feet on the opposite seat so he can rest his laptop on his knees, preventing others from sitting down... you're an inconsiderate pig.

Actually, I've had it. Next time I see you, I'm going to attempt to sit on your feet so you get the hint.
That's another one of my pet peeves. I get on the Craigieburn train at Newmarket, one of the last stops before we hit the city so the train is usually already full. And I usually see an inconsiderate pig who has managed to take up 2 or 3 seats by keeping their shit on the seat(s) next to them.

Which reminds me:

To the lovely people waiting for the #59 Tram heading to the city in the morning:

I know you have places to go and appointments to keep and clocks to punch in. So do I.

But if the tram pulls up to your stop and it is packed to the point where people are hanging out the door, please please please pretty pretty please don't insist on trying to jam yourself in. Take a look down the road. I guarantee you that there will be another tram right behind. Better yet, download the free Tram Tracker application. Use it to see how far behind the next tram is. I guarantee you it'll be 2 minutes maximum. And will be far less crowded. If you can't wait 2 whole minutes for a relatively empty tram then perhaps you should consider re-structuring your morning a little.

Your insistence on trying to cram yourself into an already packed tram only causes delays. Ultimately the tram driver will be so far behind schedule that he will invariably kick everybody out of the tram on Lonsdale St. so he can head up the other way and try to get back on schedule. And you don't get to your destination any quicker because you either have to walk further or patiently wait to get on the tram right behind to finish your journey.

Use some common sense, please. It will make everybody's day so much better. Including yours.

Thanks so much
Drewby

Specialists are people who know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. Generalists are people who know less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything. I'm somewhere in the middle.
  quote
AWR
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: State of Flux
 
2010-08-26, 09:55

Dear Next Life,

Like this more: http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/galle...68274&index=23

Thanks for considering!

See you down the road,

AWR
  quote
psmith2.0
Mr. Vieira
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Tennessee
 
2010-08-27, 15:06

Quote:
Originally Posted by AWR View Post
Dear Next Life,

Like this more: http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/galle...68274&index=23

Thanks for considering!

See you down the road,

AWR
Off-topic (click to toggle):
The thing that amuses me about Sean Connery, there's always this talk (by magazines and celebrity shows and sites) about how he's bald, and "his baldness is sexy" and on and on...but in every damn movie he's in, he wears a more ridiculous rug/hairpiece than the one before.

It's kinda like the industry - along with fans and the entertainment press - is saying "yeah, it's sexy...just don't actually look that way in any of your movies. Put something on, no matter how obvious, contrived, out-of-place or overly-styled for the role at hand. We'd hate for you to look like a normal old man, with bald/thinning hair and a corner barbershop cut."

One of the joys of seeing a Connery movie these past 25 or so years is to see what kind of WTF?! "ideas" the producer, director and makeup/hair department came up with...ponytail? Mullet? Pompadour? Buzzcut? Caesar?

Start going bald in your roles, once in a blue moon, and then all that talk about how his baldness is sexy and "he wears it well" will carry a bit of weight. It isn't like his real-life look is well-represented on screen...
  quote
psmith2.0
Mr. Vieira
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Tennessee
 
2010-08-30, 08:12

Dear AppleNova "Letters" Thread,

You were doing so good! Oh well...It was fun while it lasted.

- Paul
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-08-30, 14:56

Quote:
Originally Posted by pscates2.0 View Post
Dear AppleNova "Letters" Thread,

You were doing so good! Oh well...It was fun while it lasted.

- Paul
Dear Paul,

I was doing so *well.*

- "Letters" Thread

  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2010-08-30, 18:03

Didn't realize there was a ban on all things politics.

Post has been deleted with apologies...
  quote
psmith2.0
Mr. Vieira
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Tennessee
 
2010-08-30, 18:18

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
Dear Paul,

I was doing so *well.*

- "Letters" Thread

It's not worth missing the point. I considered using "well", but the other sounded more gooder.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sauvblanc View Post
Didn't realize there was a ban on all things politics.

Post has been deleted with apologies...
No "ban" (and I don't have any pull or say-so around here...don't delete stuff over me or any goofy thing I say). I simply responded to your Keith Olbermann routine. You could've told me to "piss off" and kept it. You weren't breaking any "rules".
  quote
Maciej
M AH - ch ain saw
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-08-30, 18:46

Why rock the boat tho? I can see where he's coming from in deleting the comment, not knowing how people would react in advance.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2010-09-01, 02:15

Dear companies,

It's 2010. Stop treating people who try to get support via email like second-class citizens.

By that I mean, when I email you something, don't "resolve" the issue by telling me to just call into your customer service and tell them the exact same thing I just emailed you, because they're the *real* customer service department. Email isn't new.

Sprint was especially bad about this. Why even have an email/chat support department if all they do is tell you to freaking call? I'm sick of digging around for the email link, sending a carefully worded email (carefully categorized to go to the correct scriptbots), and waiting almost all of the allotted response time (of course!) only to get an email back saying "call us!" I mean geez, next time just tell me in advance your email department is useless.

I just hate talking to strangers on the phone, OK? I wouldn't hate it so much if you weren't all morons, but hey.

Also, Chase, you suck. Not only did you do the whole useless email "support" thing, but your useless response also said that you tried to contact me when you shut off my card due to "suspicious activity." But you didn't. Hell, you didn't even leave me a message in my little Chase Online Message Center thing.

I mean, geez, one would think "oh, by the way, we shut off your card" would be the type of message that center was made for. You'd think that's where they'd leave a message containing that information. You know. Just as an aside. A postscript. A little p.s.



-Robo

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Ryan
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Promise Land of Trustafarians
 
2010-09-01, 02:25

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
Dear companies,

It's 2010. Stop treating people who try to get support via email like second-class citizens.

By that I mean, when I email you something, don't "resolve" the issue by telling me to just call into your customer service and tell them the exact same thing I just emailed you, because they're the *real* customer service department. Email isn't new.

Sprint was especially bad about this. Why even have an email/chat support department if all they do is tell you to freaking call? I'm sick of digging around for the email link, sending a carefully worded email (carefully categorized to go to the correct scriptbots), and waiting almost all of the allotted response time (of course!) only to get an email back saying "call us!" I mean geez, next time just tell me in advance your email department is useless.

I just hate talking to strangers on the phone, OK? I wouldn't hate it so much if you weren't all morons, but hey.

Also, Chase, you suck. Not only did you do the whole useless email "support" thing, but your useless response also said that you tried to contact me when you shut off my card due to "suspicious activity." But you didn't. Hell, you didn't even leave me a message in my little Chase Online Message Center thing.

I mean, geez, one would think "oh, by the way, we shut off your card" would be the type of message that center was made for. You'd think that's where they'd leave a message containing that information. You know. Just as an aside. A postscript. A little p.s.



-Robo
What’s worse is when they don’t even have human email support. Go try getting an answer out of “Alex” at Continental Airlines’ website.
  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2010-09-07, 17:27

Dear Pastor Terry Jones

Please don't burn the Koran, k? Not cool.

thx
S.
  quote
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