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Drew's Poo Log


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Drew's Poo Log
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MrENGLISH™
HerrDEUTSCH™
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Philadelphia, PA
 
2006-05-14, 03:44

Who says food never comes out looking like it did on the way in


Poo Lovers, CLICK HERE
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2006-05-21, 22:05

I was at the Rejnfast thongiht and they someboyd worte "mexcian space shuttle " on the inside of the portapotty and 'jmexican fax machine" on the toiler tpaper dispenser. Now that was ujsut WRONG@P!!!!!!!!

wrongl.

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2006-07-11, 21:34

Hooboy.
We've had a problem in our restrooms at work, specifically with some really nasty restroom habits by the Clear Channel employees who share our floor (and from those who travel down to our floor). They apparently don't know how to flush, how not to strew shit around the restroom and generally how to conduct themselves in an indoor shittorial environment. One asshat uses "soothing wipes" every day and leaves the package on the floor next to the toilet bowl since it's so incredibly taxing to take the packaging 10 feet over to the trash can. I hate to be a girl, but sometimes I take a can of Lysol into the stall with me.... it's just ridiculous. Radio people are nasty.

So.

Somebody put up this sign up over the urinals yesterday....

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
NosferaDrew
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Los Angeles
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2006-07-12, 00:01

That's awesome.
I must copy that in order to encourage my fellow employees.
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2006-07-12, 01:54

Heh. I put up something very similar (including the mother reference) in the basement of a house I used to rent. Same deal essentially, only with washers and dryers. I went through a few draft iterations as I recall, only because the woman I was living with at the time thought my variations of the use of the *fucking* word might cause a panic. It worked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by drewprops
Radio people are nasty.
Word.

So it goes.
  quote
thegeriatric
geri to my friends
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Heaven
 
2006-07-12, 18:42

Ummmmmm..... Suggest change name to drewpoops. that outa do it.
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2006-07-12, 21:22

That's my fallback.
I totally agree with Larry David (via G. Costanza) about finding good places to poop. Knowing your pooping territory is tres importante!
  quote
colivigan
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
 
2006-07-12, 21:32

It's also nice to have a FRESH bowl.

I think I quit watching TV around the time this show went off the air.

Quote:
Remote Control Toilet

In Season 1 we discover that John has a remote control to his toilet, which makes it flush before he enters the room. Whenever he walks in the bathroom after doing this he says "I like a FRESH Bowl."

The Hole

In Season 4 we discover that in the toilet that John always uses, the back wall slides back to reveal a small concealed room which John uses to escape from the real world when he needs to think.
  quote
_Ω_
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
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2006-09-26, 06:34

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave

of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the

urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
(yep..guilty)

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle

and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the
cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2006-09-26, 09:45

Since I started this thread to monitor poo, obviously an out of the WATERcloset Pooer (who read all of Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle En Squattante), you've all given me nothing but SHIT and SHITE!!! And funny classifications which I enjoy very much.

BUT.

Now you need to start logging your poo again.
Now, more than ever.
Never more than now.
About this time and for always.

LOG!!

It's like Arbitron for the toilet.
Or something.

NOW LOG!!!!

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
BuonRotto
Not sayin', just sayin'
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Durham, NC
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2006-09-26, 10:13

Quote:
Originally Posted by thegeriatric View Post
Ummmmmm..... Suggest change name to drewpoops. that outa do it.
No, no, not "drewpoops", "poodrops".
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2006-10-28, 01:03

Lookit, I heard that there may be "extra ruffage" in some of the new Halloween Candy and I don't want that shit throwing off the study. Please be careful how you post your poo logs over the next few days, make sure you're not off... 'kay?

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2006-10-28, 10:03

Quote:
Originally Posted by drewprops View Post
Hooboy.
We've had a problem in our restrooms at work, specifically with some really nasty restroom habits by the Clear Channel employees who share our floor

That figures... everything else Clear Channel does is shit... why wouldn't their employees be shit? Drew, you need to instigate some anti-ClearChannel prankage immediately. Any suffering of ClearChannel employees at the workplace, makes the world a more just place.

...into the light of a dark black night.
  quote
Windowsrookie
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Minnesota
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2007-02-04, 21:04

Disappointed in the lack of updates drew. :P
  quote
Schnauzer
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Arizona
 
2007-02-04, 21:43

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wickers View Post
What the...

Drew did you lose a bet or something?

EOC (end of chatter)
LOL!
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2007-02-04, 22:03

May possibly have a "plopper" on the line right now, accompanied by distant, perturbatatory internal methane shifts defined as low, quiet "groans". No cross-lateral shiftage though, contained to general abdominal region. Just because I have Wi-Fi shouldn't induce you to conclude that I am reporting "live from the front".

Even if I am...

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
Freewell
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
 
2007-02-06, 01:10

Ok Drew... I'll humor you. (Oh don't go rubbing your greedy little hands together so fast, it's not as juicy as you think!) [Then again... ] I will volunteer my little one as a lab study for your demented research, noble though it may be (staged.)

Here goes:

A mustard yellow, sweet yet pungent smelling liquid, with an occasional leaf or shiny object. (Parting gift. he he)
Ranges from decorative smear to colossal blow-out, but always performed on a fresh Chinese or Indian prefold cotton canvas, perfect for the budding (or is that 'butt-ing'?!) young artist!


Happy tracks! err, um I meant 'trails'.
  quote
octavist13
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: IL
 
2007-02-06, 08:25

This thread needs pictures.
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2007-02-06, 15:58

I am become Shitta, Pooper of Worlds.

Damn.... Girl Poo.
More mysterious and unexplored than Dark Matter and potentially more terrifying on a scale heretofore unimagined. I pray that no pictures of said entry are logged.

Please, no.

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
Freewell
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
 
2007-02-06, 16:25

Quote:
Originally Posted by octavist13 View Post
This thread needs pictures.
Wish Granted.



Spoiler (click to toggle):
  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2007-02-06, 17:16

Waitaminute... is somebody around here a new Mommy?
  quote
Freewell
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
 
2007-02-06, 17:22

Depends on your definition of 'new'! That right there is about a year's worth of perfecting the skill of Poo-art! That was a special production, fresh off the easel today just for you! Quite the little picasso, wouldn't you say?! (Then again, it was Stradivarius who was discovered to use certain special ingredients in the lacquer finishes of his legendary stringed wonders! )

  quote
Foj
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Atlanta
 
2007-02-06, 17:27

*holds nose*


  quote
drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2007-02-21, 23:26

Okay... really don't want to talk about this... been trying to forget it all day long....


...it looked like a RATTLESNAKE.....




...complete with rattlers.


::sigh::
Am I going to DIE??

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
Windowsrookie
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Minnesota
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2007-02-22, 01:09

Only if it bites you.
  quote
thegeriatric
geri to my friends
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Heaven
 
2007-02-22, 05:10

Isn't it funny how us guys always look to see what we've done. And the girls never look. They just don't know what there missing!
  quote
AWR
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: State of Flux
 
2007-02-22, 05:22

Oh sweet mother of god ...
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2007-02-22, 12:11

Quote:
Originally Posted by drewprops View Post
...it looked like a RATTLESNAKE.....

...complete with rattlers.
This is fantastic news.

I had an inkling that this would happen eventually, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it would happen so quickly. To create said rattles you must have unconsciously tightened and untightened your sphincter at a great speed, thereby creating tinier and tinier rings until the final pinch-off. Obviously you've been thinking...nay, obsessing...with the shape and structure of your poo for some time now, and your body/mind has been taking note. Drew, my friend, you are evolving.

Refine this new skill. Start with some easy designs. I'd suggest looking at architecture for initial inspiration, being that there's some tall, round, symmetrical buildings you could practice making. I'm thinking the London Gherkin, The Tower of Pisa...structures of that nature. Once those are mastered, try some simple square edged designs like the John Hancock Center or The Washington Monument.

With some hard work and focused sphincter contractions just think of what you could create! Poo homages to Henry Moore! Poo busts of the great literary masters! Poo Rodin! Poo Michaelangelo! Poo Winged Victory!

I'm so jealous.

So it goes.
  quote
Mac+
9" monochrome
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: 🇦🇺
 
2007-02-22, 18:21

Then go for the big one ... transparency, in a cube shape, with an apple logo embossed on the side.
  quote
murbot
Hoonigan
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2007-02-22, 18:33

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DNdZWWmauA
  quote
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