[murbot]

(I'm posting this at .com as well, because I feel so strongly about it)

As I spend more and more time with you guys, it feels like a family. So I've decided to share my deepest thoughts with you all, and invite you to do the same.

Here are diary entries from Sunday morning. I'm including my wife's as well, to add a little context. So please, read a little deeper into my life, and feel free to share your hopes and dreams as well. We are all family, after all.




HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I also fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


MY DIARY

Today the Flames lost.

But at least I got laid.

[psmith2.0]

Write and tell us how Hell is, because you're SO going there, buster!

[DMBand0026]

Originally Posted by pscates2.0 Write and tell us how Hell is, because you're SO going there, buster!

But at least he got laid...

[curiousuburb]

Explain to her that the Male version of PMS is called HNiC,
and that it strikes hardest during playoff season.

Whereas women sometimes self medicate with chocolate during their moodiest days, the male version requires numerous doses of amber liquid medication, ideally consumed by the home team from a large silver cup for the best curative effect.

Fortunately for fans everywhere, science continues to progress in the search for a cure, and has made some strides in limiting HNiC withdrawal through copious quantities of sports networks and alternative acronyms during the rest of the year.

Beware the relapse symptoms, which including trying to trade in the family vehicle for the mystical Zamboni.

Be strong, bot. One more night to survive.

[SonOfSylvanus]

Originally Posted by murbot .

I can never tell quite how much you're shitting us

[spotcatbug]

I saw that ending coming, even before I began reading the entries.

If it had been anybody else's post, it might have worked.

[Chinney]

Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

There is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been
feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to
push him into some kind of obligation he doesn't want, or isn't sure
of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking:
But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward....I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:
So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer....Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking:
He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed--even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything
about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking:
And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

And Elaine is thinking:
He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking:
Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems truly to care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking:
Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have....Oh, God, I feel so...." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad finally to know the correct answer.

"It's just that....It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home. She lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about
it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

(This story is not mine, but something a friend forwarded to me a few years back that is still on my machine. I am not sure that what it says is true, generally and absolutely, about men and women, but I think that there are some aspects of it that ring true for some of us, or some that we know....)

[Windswept]

Okay, murbotsky, *who* actually wrote the wife's diary entry?

Well, this is all classic. It really is.

When I was married as a senior in college, I probably *used* to think along the (tiresome and pointless) lines of the females above (no offense, if that really IS your wife). Those exact kinds of thought processes led to the mutually-agreed-upon demise of that marriage. (I wish to point out that I was quite immature at 21, never having lived 'on my own'. All the stupid little things that bothered me then, I wouldn't even 'notice' now. So I really do take most of the blame for that marriage not working. 55%-45%.)

However, I have found those female thought processes to be pretty much a waste of time and energy. Now, if my lover is sitting around being morose and in a bad mood, I might say: "Anything you wanna talk about?" He'll moodily shake his head 'no'.

Now, instead of agonizing and thinking that whatever it is 'is all my fault' and that my life is ruined, I would immediately get busily involved with any one of the myriad interests/activities I have. I would project a noticeably content and quietly happy (NOT an "in-your-face") demeanor as I went about minding my own business - and making it pretty obvious that if he doesn't want to communicate, that's *fine* with me. Whatever you want, sweetheart.

Since the focus is off of him, and since he can see that there's NO way *I'm* going to be twisting myself into knots worrying about his bad mood, he'll probably get tired of his moping/pouting in fairly short order, and might even venture a word or two of communication on the subject of his distress.

*At that point*, I will lavish upon him just the *exact* amount of loving care and concern, comforting him with true words of objective wisdom to help him put his team's loss (or whatever) into perspective.

Btw, this is also the way I handle sullen male students at the beginning of the school year. I basically ignore their sullenness, pretend like it's not even evident. I won't call on them until they actually raise their hand. I'm not 'unfriendly' to them in any way, but I don't give attention to whatever snit it is that they're wallowing in. I won't go into further detail about how I eventually turn the situation 180 degrees, since I use different strategies for each student. I'll just say that I've *never* failed to get superlative results with my approach. They *always* come around, and end up being some of my very best students. Weird, huh?

So whaddaya think? Would the "take the focus off him" technique work with any of *YOU* guys????

Love,

Carol

[GSpotter]

Originally Posted by Carol Okay, murbotsky, *who* actually wrote the wife's diary entry?

A ghost writer?

[SonOfSylvanus]

Heh heh Chinney :smokey:

[Dave]

Originally Posted by Carol I'll just say that I've *never* failed to get superlative results with my approach. They *always* come around, and end up being some of my very best students. Weird, huh?

I'll bet they do...

[Kickaha]

Originally Posted by Carol So whaddaya think? Would the "take the focus off him" technique work with any of *YOU* guys????

Dear god, do you give classes in that for female partners?

PLEASE?

"Look, I'm in a snit, don't make a big deal of it, I just need to rant and then I'll feel much better, it's got little or nothing to do with you, and right now I couldn't talk about it rationally if it *did* have something to do with you. When I'm done fuming, I'll come talk to you if it had anything to do with us, and if not, then I'll likely not say anything, but don't be surprised if I come walking in with a hug to appreciate your understanding of my need to vent, and your not assuming it has to do with you."

[Moogs]

Like spotcat, I saw that one coming a mile away... common Murb... you don't actually think anyone here believes you're sensitive, do you?




Carol: I think most self-assured women use the "pleasantly ignore him" technique by the time they reach their 30s. I know mine does. Heck you can even watch the average sitcom and see women doing exactly that... sort of sarcastically saying "awww, it'll be allwite" when the man gets down in the mouth or whatever. Now, I would like to hear more specifics about what you do to motivate your male students as the semester gains momentum.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Kickaha Dear god, do you give classes in that for female partners? PLEASE? "Look, I'm in a snit, don't make a big deal of it, I just need to rant and then I'll feel much better, it's got little or nothing to do with you, and right now I couldn't talk about it rationally if it *did* have something to do with you. When I'm done fuming, I'll come talk to you if it had anything to do with us, and if not, then I'll likely not say anything, but don't be surprised if I come walking in with a hug to appreciate your understanding of my need to vent, and your not assuming it has to do with you."

Do I give classes? 'Fraid not. I think this is something women need to figure out for themselves, or else they won't truly 'get it'. I could be wrong about that though. For me, it's like the behavior modification techniques I use all day long in the classroom, because it IS a behavior modification technique, when you think about it. The wise woman first modifies 'her' behavior, and that in turn 'eventually' leads to 'him' modifying his.

One of the first times I tried this, my friend was really sulking about something. I sorta knew about what, but I pretended 'not' to know, and didn't mention anything about his mood. I just busily fixed dinner (it was supposed to be a special dinner for him), all the while gliding over the fact that he was angry. Eventually he calmed down and said to me, "You know me really well." Heh. Damn right, sweetie. Right down to your innermost soul.

Men and anger. For a lot of guys, it seems to be the 'one' emotion they express most freely. Right before I moved out, my ex had gotten furious about something, had ripped the bedspread in half, and had slammed his fist through the closet door. This was very scary to me. I moved out the next day, not 'just' because of the violence, but it was pretty much the last straw in a marriage that just wasn't working. I couldn't help wondering if he would eventually get around to hitting *me*.

After I left, he pleaded with me for months to come back, but I wouldn't do it. No way. And the sad part is that *I* was the one who had caused his anger, because I didn't have the common sense I have now. A shame, because he was in SO many ways a terrific guy. I was the one with all kinds of "expectations" on how 'things should be'. So unfortunate. I had a lot of growing up I needed to do. But growing up takes time 'on your own', and I hadn't had a chance to do that yet. Oh well. It's all water under the bridge now.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Moogs Like spotcat, I saw that one coming a mile away... common Murb... you don't actually think anyone here believes you're sensitive, do you?

I do. heh

Carol: I think most self-assured women use the "pleasantly ignore him" technique by the time they reach their 30s. I know mine does. Heck you can even watch the average sitcom and see women doing exactly that... sort of sarcastically saying "awww, it'll be allwite" when the man gets down in the mouth or whatever.

Well I don't dismiss the importance of whatever it is he's upset about. I just know that there's no point in trying to talk about it when he's in a rage. I just let him get around to coming to talk to 'me' when he's good and ready. If he chooses 'not' to mention it, I can live with that. People should be able to keep stuff to themselves if they want.

Now, I would like to hear more specifics about what you do to motivate your male students as the semester gains momentum.

Well, it's nothing sinister, that's for sure. And I do the same for troublesome girls, too, of course. The last boy who sat in the corner and sulked, suddenly started coming to school in camouflage pants. After seeing him in these pants a few different times, I asked if he happened to be interested in military stuff. He was. So I showed him some war books I had that he could read for credit in my class. One was Platoon Leader, by McDonough. I did mention that it had cuss words, and asked if his parents would be 100% okay with that. He said 'no problem'. He *loved* the book; and after that, when he would come into the classroom, he would give me the coolest little shy smile. I love stuff like this. It makes me very happy.

[drewprops]

Seriously, did Elaine ever own a horse?


...

[psmith2.0]

Imagine my relief, upon seeing a thread from 2004 - and expecting/assuming the worst - to warily scroll down, only see our good ol' drew...and not a(nother) Toledo toolbag.

Whew, that was a close one. Ken gets to sleep in a little longer and doesn't have to swing Mjölban first thing on a Sunday.

[Mac+]

Originally Posted by drewprops Seriously, did Elaine ever own a horse? ...

Good bump!