[709]

I figured with Labor Day coming up and all a few of us will make the trip to some kind of amusement park. Standing in line, screaming kids, pushy parents, etc. 'Tis the spice of American life. So, before I end up beating you senseless with the stuffed SpongeBob I just won, let's all remind ourselves of The 31 Amusement Park Canons, shall we?

1. There has never been a roller coaster that is too tall or too steep for you. Period. This is the case even if your seatmate is the Grim Reaper and no one else can see him. After all, maybe the Grim Reaper just likes roller coasters, too.
   
2. Notice when your line is moving. While I'm sure everyone is engrossed in your rigorous analysis of Lost Internet fan-site worthiness, you can talk just as easily while moving as you can while resting your fat leg on the rail.
   
3. By all means, feel free to play the game where you attempt to make an over-inflated basketball into a hoop the size of Nicole Ritchie's waist. But please, whatever you do, don't dribble the ball between your legs or go behind your back before you shoot. Hey Iverson, no one is guarding you and you're going to miss anyway.
   
4. If a girl is wearing a bikini as a top, you are not the only guy noticing this fact. Observe, but do not ogle. Also, and you know how much I hate to generalize, she's probably paying for everything with dollar bills.
   
5. Don't be the dude who knows way too much about the roller coaster and tries to impress everyone who is miserably waiting in line. "The g-forces on this ride are the equivalent of being fired into space while trying to play an oboe at the same time," he'll say. Really, an oboe? Please be quiet and go back to reading your Fangoria magazine.
   
6. The old guys with those insanely underage girls ... yep, they're boyfriend and girlfriend. In 13 years, the cycle will repeat itself with their offspring. Run.
   
7. I'm sure there is a perfectly legitimate reason why a group of men could include one or more men eating pink cotton candy. I just can't think of one.
   
8. Accept that some people just aren't arm raisers on roller coasters. If your seat partner doesn't want to raise his or her hands above their head, stop jabbering about it to them. He or she has a perfectly fine death grip on the restraining bar and doesn't need any more excitement.
   
9. If you're tall, instead of waiting longer to ride in the very front of the roller coaster, just space it so you sit behind short kids. Then you get the benefit of the front row without the wait. If your gambit comes up snake eyes and you end up sitting behind a tall Latvian man, hopefully he won't smell bad. And I'm sorry.
   
10. Don't say something witty to the teenage employees who come around and make sure your seat is fastened. They've done this all day and all summer -- do you really think there's anything you can say that is going to be the least bit unique or witty? (Exception: This canon does not apply if you are a hot girl or if you are iffy but wearing a bikini top.)
    
11. If at all possible, do the fast-pass. This should be No. 1. Then, when you pass the people in the regular line who look like they're in a 1930s bread line, wave and smile.
    
12. Unless you are really scary and have an eye patch or a goiter, make faces at a crying child in an effort to get it to stop crying. This may or may not work, but at some point, you will probably have a child and be miserable at an amusement park. I feel like the karma will even out. Give it your best shot.
    
13. Don't complain about the food available at the amusement park. Are you really surprised? If you wanted a baguette replete with vegetable medley and an Asian bok choy salad, you should have stayed home.
    
14. At some point, pause and survey your surroundings. Yep, these are the people who elect the president of the United States.
    
15. I promise the overhanging parts of the roller coaster are not going to decapitate you -- there's no need to duck. Unless, of course, the Grim Reaper is sitting next to you. Then ... man, that sucks for you.
    
16. Some rides require one person to sit inside the legs of the other person. This is perfect if you're on a date, not so good if you are with another man. Save your heterosexuality and wait for another ride.
    
17. As tempting as it is, try to restrain yourself from spitting from the sky lift.
    
18. Okay, if you're going to spit, aim for things and not people.
    
19. If someone skips you in line, it is statutorily permissible to slap them in the face with your cinnamon and sugar funnel cake. Seriously, statutorily permissible, I'm a lawyer.
    
20. It's fine to be a single guy and win a stuffed animal. It's not fine to keep it. Give the thing away to a kid ... or the girl in the bikini top.
    
21. You absolutely must play the game where the rubbery frogs have to be sent airborne with a mallet until they land on the floating lily pads. No exceptions, do it.
    
22. Mustaches ... oh man, the mustaches. If you had forgotten that every teenage boy goes through a phase where he grows a mustache, you will have remembered by the time you leave the park. It's like a collection of seventh grade Magnum, P.I's. If you're feeling ambitious, grow a mustache in the days preceding your trip to the park and pronounce yourself Mustache King for the day.
    
23. The amusement park is not a sporting event. No one is coming to root for or against the amusement park. So you really don't need to come dressed in your logoed amusement park apparel.
    
24. At some point, it may occur to you that for the cost of admission everyone paid at the front gate, Sudanese children could eat for an entire year. Maybe ... but then you wouldn't have gotten to go 125 miles an hour for 33.2 seconds. See, it all evens out.
    
25. Feel free to make a joke about your shortest fully-grown friend not being tall enough to ride the coaster. Just know that said friend will not sleep well at night until everyone hears about the Propecia in your medicine cabinet.
    
26. Dippin' Dots. Did you really need the Dippin' Dots? Of course you didn't. Save your money for something really important, like the penny squashing machine.
    
27. Skin-tight clothes on fat people will never go out of style. It's timeless and elegant ... like platinum grills on teeth.
    
28. Don't be one of those people who rides the rides designed to get you wet and then tries to keep from getting wet. This is the height of amusement park hypocrisy. Run for Congress instead and save the drenchings for those who want to get drenched.
    
29. Someone gets their pictures taken in an evocative Old West montage or else there wouldn't be 14 million of these places in every amusement park. Please, for the love of God, do not do this.
    
30. When you see the crazily overprotective mom cowering over her 10-year-old like he or she has just been rescued from a cabal of syphilitic bank robbers, fake lunge at her child. Okay, maybe you shouldn't do this.
    
31. After you have spent the day at the amusement park, you may be tempted to believe the following five things are trendy and cool: Wristbands, hats turned just a little askew, jerseys, shorts that reveal the lower tier of your behind and hairspray. Do not succumb to this trap. These things are neither trendy or cool.

From here. I laughed out loud a few times, myself. Good stuff.

[Robo]

It's so true.

(But I did do the Old West montage thing. But it was with my graduating class on our senior trip, so I guess it was okay.)

[Kickaha]

Oh god, yeah. I used to love the fair rides as a kid. (No permanent parks anywhere near us, just carnivals coming through town for events. 'Permanent carnies' is just a sad oxymoron, IMO.)

The fun thing is, I don't get motion sickness. I just don't. I would egg everyone else on to every insane ride we could come up with, insist we needed as much bad, greasy food crammed down our gullets as we could stand, and then haul everyone back up the rides again. Repeat until only one standing. Ah, good times... good times...

[Windswept]

Corn dog with mustard?

Yum.

[Engine Joe]

Originally Posted by 709 [*]Don't complain about the food available at the amusement park. Are you really surprised? If you wanted a baguette replete with vegetable medley and an Asian bok choy salad, you should have stayed home.

Nope, I just want a halfway decent hamburger, not something that looks like it was scraped off a shoe. That said, I don't complain about it while there (because no, I am not surprised). I just am annoyed by it.

Of course - and I realize that whether or not a Disney park is an "amusement park" in the contemporarily defined sense of the term is definitely a matter for debate - there can be good meals had at the Disney parks. Particularly the ones in Asia.

[709]

I'm a total Elephant Ear guy.

[Mugge]

Skin-tight clothes on fat people will never go out of style. It's timeless and elegant ... like platinum grills on teeth

I'm afraid sarcasm is wasted on the people who dress like that.

I haven't been at any amusement parks lately, but I do like the rides that shake you around in all sorts of stupid directions just to make you feel like you high on something illegal.

[Kickaha]

Originally Posted by Windswept Corn dog with mustard? Yum.

Oh hells yeah. I can go through a half dozen easy.

[psmith2.0]

That was a funny article/list. I enjoyed it...and it's all so true.

We actually have our very own amusement park right here in town, just across the Georgia border (yeah, the front page says "Chattanooga, TN", but that's just because nobody has any idea where "Rossville, GA" is (and, I realize, Chattanooga isn't much higher up on recognition). It's literally a mile over the border, so it's just easier to attach it to Chattanooga, and hope for the best.

Been around forever...I've got pics of me as a toddler there, riding little kiddie rides and so forth. Supremely cute, I have to say. And I was having the time of my life.

I haven't been in a gazillion years (except for a few concerts...see below), but the past few times I went to actually ride the rides and take in the entire park (my mid-teens, probably?) it was quite the shithole. The only place where you can see 11-year-olds bumming cigarettes from their dads (who are, themselves, only 24 years old). And the sightings of "there's no way she's pregnant...she's still in a stroller herself!!!" are legendary. Sadly, seems recently it has become a thug/shithead hangout, resulting in some "violence" about two years ago, which led to a "everyone under the age of 28 must be accompanied by an adult" ruling. So that means granny has to get involved now. Entire generations (3-5, all under 60 years old) go there now for a day of family fun.

But it's where most people from around here got their first smooch, or glimpse of Previously Unseen Gold (in the form of a breast or nipple). Undoubtedly it's where many lit their first cig - I kind you not, it's like a Marlboro convention came to town and never left - and the prizes and "souvenirs" are just this side of "you've got to be kidding me".

"Hey, anywhere else, something this oddly shaped, purple and nubby would be called a 'marital aid'...but I got by rocking the ring toss! Guess I'll hang it from my rear view mirror...".



And, now that I think about it, there's no telling how many of my fellow Chattanoogans were conceived in the pitch black, walk-through "scary house". Not sure how "scary" pitch black rates...not seeing anything at all for 10 minutes is unnerving, sure. Scary? I don't know.

Granted, these are all my memories from 15-20 years ago...I'm sure it's much, much worse.

Oh, and the BEST part: during the summer, for $1 (the cost of admission to the park) there was the "Concerts in the Park" series. Now, while I've seen some good acts there (Carlene Carter, Asleep at the Wheel, Bo Diddley, Marty Stuart, etc.), it's usually one of two extremes: those that are so new and "up and coming" that no one's ever heard of them. OR, on the flip-side, acts that are so old and "has-been" that - you guessed it - no one's ever heard of them.

But hey, it's $1.00...so beggars can't really squawk, can they? And smoking is allowed. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's encouraged: babies, toddlers, grade-schoolers...smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

So if you want to see otherwise well-mannered middle-aged women fall all over themselves to catch Travis Tritt's eye, then you've come to the right place. But it's always a good sound system, and the performers do stick around afterwards to sign autographs and meet their fans.

Try that at one of your pussy arena rock shows...Steven Tyler is already back in the limo, two miles from the venue and engaging in God knows what, before the lights fully come on.

So it's our own little fun paradise, right in our backyard...anyone growing up within 50 miles of Chattanooga has been. They've lived and loved there, maybe lost their virginity, maybe got into their first fight. And, from what I gather here lately, might've bought their first gun or crack rock there.

God bless these modest acres of thrills and chills...

[thegelding]

Originally Posted by Windswept Corn dog with mustard? Yum.

at first i thought this was a new dirty phrase, like teabagging or tossing the salad or felching...then i realized windy just likes corndogs w/ mustard...so do i

now corndogging it with mayo, that would be a dirty phrase

g

[Kickaha]

Originally Posted by thegelding now corndogging it with mayo, that would be a dirty phrase

Indeed. Sort of a confluence of cornholing, dogging, and... mayo.

[hiltond]

Now I want to go the Great Adventure (Six Flags for you non-Northeasterns). They have some really fun rides and as the article suggests it might be, the people watching is insane. I always wonder how all of those kids afford to be in that park.

[psmith2.0]

Yeah, Atlanta's Six Flags is the big amusement destination (when the local place just isn't enough ).

And right before I moved back here from California, my friend and I spent the day at Six Flags Magic Mountain, north of L.A. We got completely sick from all the coasters we rode, sadly realizing "we're not 16 anymore" (we hit every single one, many twice), and arguing about who had to drive back to San Diego. I was too woozy and sick, and so was she.

It was a long, long trip home (slowly cruised home at 45-50mph in the far right lane, heads leaning against the window) and we didn't feel 100% normal again until mid-afternoon the next day. Ugh...

[drewprops]

Originally Posted by thegelding at first i thought this was a new dirty phrase, like teabagging

Yep, that Carol is such a smutty lady...

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Kickaha Oh hells yeah. I can go through a half dozen easy.

What?!!!! A half dozen!

How can you wolf down six corn dogs and still stay skinny?

That's what I'd like to know.

[709]

Heh. Paul, your story reminds me of a little place I used to go to as a kid. It was the Big Thing back in the day. Basically, it was a bunch of permanent carnie booths and carnie rides, some bumper cars and...wait for it...a deer petting zoo. Deer Park Funland™. The height of thrills back in those days. Some guy eventually bought the place, and the entire county practically shit themselves when he added a corkscrew rollercoaster back in the late 70's. The Big Time!

I haven't been there in a decade and a half, but I guess it's doing quite well now (sans the deer and with a much needed name change) since I see they add a ride every so often via the teevee.


[edit]: Well waddaya know. Someone in BFE is smart enough to use the internets and build a wiki page: Michigan's Adventure : 2 Parks for the Price of 1!!!

[psmith2.0]

I've not had a corndog in 10 years (and I'm not meaning that in any dirty kind of way either, smartasses).

Maybe that'll be my dinner tonight. I'll totally revert to my childhood: corndog, tater-tots some red Kool-Aid and a pack of candy cigarettes for an after-dinner "smoke"...

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by drewprops Yep, that Carol is such a smutty lady...

Actually, I'm innocent and sweet.

Seriously.

I AM!

I'm NOT kidding!!!!

grrrrrrrrr......

[psmith2.0]

Originally Posted by 709 Heh. Paul, your story reminds me of a little place I used to go to as a kid. It was the Big Thing back in the day. Basically, it was a bunch of permanent carnie booths and carnie rides, some bumper cars and...wait for it...a deer petting zoo. Deer Park Funland™. The height of thrills back in those days. Some guy eventually bought the place, and the entire county practically shit themselves when he added a corkscrew rollercoaster back in the late 70's. The Big Time! I haven't been there in a decade and a half, but I guess it's doing quite well now (sans the deer and with a much needed name change) since I see they add a ride every so often via the teevee. [edit]: Well waddaya know. Someone in BFE is smart enough to use the internets and build a wiki page: Michigan's Adventure : 2 Parks for the Price of 1!!!

Yeah, sounds really close to our deal here. It was fairly modest back when I was a little boy. Just some simple carnival type rides (designed to make you puke, basically). But there is a nice, large traditional wooden coaster (the Cannonball). But they've added stuff over the years. And now, I hear they have a tall "free fall" type ride like Six Flags does (they ratchet you up into the air and then you "drop" for a few seconds). More "rounded metal" type rides, vs. the rickety wooden stuff that was all over when I was little.

Less likely to fly apart and kill 45 people, I guess.

But it'll always be one of those places you kinda look at like if you're smart.

[curiousuburb]

You must be THIS TALL to go on this ride...

[psmith2.0]

She has a ghost hand.

And big ol' titties.

Sorry...that's childish of me.

[thegelding]

you think her "ghost" hand is interesting? you should see what her other hand is doing...

childish of me also

g

[SKMDC]

Anyone old enough to remember the burlesque shows on the midway?
On stage they had these awfully colored drapes and would bring the girls out to tease the audience and the barker would fill the air with double entendre. It was quite exotic.
My mother would always be the freak show tester she would pay the 50¢ and go in the booth and see "Spermela, half woman, half whale spawned, in a nuclear blast!
YOU WON"T BELIEVE YOUR EYES!"

I remember putting a dollar bill on the color on a spinning wheel and winning my father a carton of luckies.
I remember another wheel that they would release a mouse and if he went in the right colored hole on the wheel you'd win a prize.
I remember with joy my brother promising to run off with the carnies and be out of my life forever, I also remember my sadness when he climbed in to the lower bunk that night.

Six Flags & Disney just doesn't cut it for me after feasting my eyes on such things as a small child.

[Moogs]

Man that list is Six Flags to a T.

[SledgeHammer]

I was at Hershey Park a couple times this summer and can pretty much remember at least one specific example of every item on that list (far more than one when it comes to girls in bikinis and fat people in tiny clothes). Of course, I have to admit that I have been known to sometimes be the dork from #5.