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The Perennial "Movies to Avoid" thread.


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The Perennial "Movies to Avoid" thread.
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Moogs
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2004-05-30, 14:36

In keeping with recent threads about existing summer blockbusters, and after having experienced one of the most painful movies if my life this morning (and afternoon)... I would like to submit - as a service to the community - a thread dedicated to helping others avoid shitty movies on cable or at Blockbuster video.

Now, I don't mean the kind of movies where they are shitty but actually so off-the-wall in some respect as to be entertaining... no. I mean movies that intend for you to take them seriously. Movies that aspire to great things but achieve only great disbelief.

I will start things off by listing a work which as my memory - obviously failing - recalled, was supposed to be one of the more critically acclaimed works of the 1980s.

It's called "Once Upon a Time in America", and it stars all sorts of good actors (James Wood, Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesche, etc). It's supposed to be about kids who grow up on the streets of NY back at the turn of the last century, and grow up to be gangsters together. Well... let me tell you. IT SUCKS.

In an attempt to be clever the director decided to jump back in forth in time, in order to keep you interested and also give context to certain things. Except that the jumps are totally random and end up causing more confusion than answers.

Furthermore, this has to be the worst gangster movie score of all times. I mean it's SAD. There's this annoying, soft flute music littering every other scene, and it is totally out of place. Any minute I expected Yablo to jump out from behind the set and start playing... truly awful.

And in general, the plot was just completely without direction. What's worse, there is evidently an *extended* version - the one I was subjected to for over three hours as I waited in vain for the movie to "get good".

The only thing this movie has going for it is scene when Robert DeNiro gets out of jail and is greated by a nekkid (and rather voluptuous) beauty, pretending to be a corpse. Surprise! On the "things the director should be shot for" side of the coin, there are no less than two rape scenes, one of which is completely gratuitous and makes absolutely no sense in the context of the movie. Charming.

This movie sucked, plain and simple. Don't watch it, because the first 20 minutes are the best and you'll get sucked in to a hellish vortex from which there is no return.

...into the light of a dark black night.
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SKMDC
superkaratemonkeydeathcar
 
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2004-05-30, 15:00

you're dissing sergio leon's master achievement?

the only caveat is there are five versions of the film, a couple that he didn't edit (or was forced to edit) and weren't easy to watch.
it's been a long time since i've seen it, but i remember it to be a great film.
you have to remember, he was bringing his stylist talent to a genre he'd never attempted, and i thought he pulled it off.
he turned down the godfather, and regretted it to no end, hence this movie.
it's also very influential to tarantino among others.

"What's a Canadian farm boy to do?"
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curiousuburb
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2004-05-30, 15:28

Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics

Quote:
Worst Physics Movie Ever

This movie is so bad we finally had to force ourselves to quit writing and post the review.


[XP] The Core (2003)


Matrix Reviews


"...The Matrix has not just become a popular movie but also a somewhat popular insanity defense. " Read about it in our review of The Matrix Revolutions.
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pscates2.0
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2004-05-30, 15:31

Wow, I remember this movie. Saw it YEARS ago, when I was maybe in my early, early teens, on Showtime or something one night. It was damn near four hours long.

I've rented it - the long, uncut version - within the past two years.

I kinda go back and forth on this movie. In some ways, it certainly seems to try to hard. Schmaltz and so forth is ladled on quite thick and Moogs is right...the soundtrack is odd.

But being that DeNiro and Woods are two of my favorites, well...

Although I do admit that when I saw it more recently, I distinctly remember not being as taken with it and impressed as I was when I saw it nearly 20 years ago.



Anyway, to add to this thread of horrible movies, I guess my hands-down choice would have to be "Independence Day", followed VERY closely by "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace". I can't believe Gene Hackman was in that!

Unwatchable crap, both.
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Moogs
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2004-05-30, 15:52

Well, there's the "worst movies of all time" lists, and then there's "you are likely to see this on your cable guide one of these days, so stay away!"



Maybe my expectations were just too high or maybe the version I saw was an afront to the original (entirely possible if he didn't edit it), but it was... I don't know. Soap opera angst meets roaring 20s gangsterism. Didn't work at all for me.

...into the light of a dark black night.
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ast3r3x
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2004-05-30, 19:17

Worst movies ever? Changing Lanes, and Gummo. There are a couple that are in their 'suckiest ever' category.
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NosferaDrew
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2004-05-30, 19:35

You forgot about You Got Served. Hideous!
And what's worse is that they're working on a sequel.
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709
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2004-05-30, 20:33

Quote:
Originally Posted by pscates2.0
...followed VERY closely by "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace". I can't believe Gene Hackman was in that!
I feel the same way about "Jaws IV: The Revenge" and Michael Caine.
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SKMDC
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2004-05-30, 20:46

Quote:
Originally Posted by 709
I feel the same way about "Jaws IV: The Revenge" and Michael Caine.
he was unable to pick up his oscar for HANNAH AND HER SISTERS because he was filming that steamy pile.

i almost walked out of the THE PICK-UP ARTIST but i stayed hoping dennis hopper and harvey keitel would come to realize what a piece of shit they were participating in and kill ringwald and downey and make cages with their bones.

and before someone bashes it, let me just say right here and now that MILK MONEY is a fine, fine film.

"What's a Canadian farm boy to do?"
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tonton
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2004-05-30, 22:12

The movies I hated the most:

1. Speechless
Geena Davis and Michael Keaton have about as much chemistry onscreen as George Bush and Ellen DeGeneres. Begged my date to walk out of that one. Christmas Eve and we ended up getting locked into the parking lot. Remarkable though because that night started the best two weeks of sex I've had in my life.

2. Hollow Man
The worst acting in history, horrible plot, boring set, terrible directing and lame effects.

3. Vertical Limit
Really bad acting and directing. Boring setting.
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billybobsky
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2004-05-30, 22:36

1. Cube 2: Hypercube... holy shit... They made the cube over again... damn canadians, didn't they learn anything aboot not making sequels...

2. Actually, come to think of it -- any scifi made for tv movie just about sucks... with one exception: the pilot to white dwarf... now that was some awesome goodness...

3. the french connection -- i am sorry guys, i know this is a film buff favorite -- but it is god awful, especially when trying to follow it as your girlfriend starts falling asleep...
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billybobsky
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2004-05-30, 22:37

Quote:
Originally Posted by tonton
Remarkable though because that night started the best two weeks of sex I've had in my life.
you were locked in the parking for two weeks?!1/?

(kidding)
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Moogs
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2004-05-30, 23:34

I'll second the vote for Hollow Man. Truly awful; could've been a lot more interesting if the Director didn't make a blatant attempt to follow every cliche imagineable.

Another abomination: Random Hearts. This movie was positively the biggest piece of shit Harrison Ford ever did. Just painful from start to finish.

...into the light of a dark black night.
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Paul
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2004-05-31, 01:00

Quote:
Originally Posted by billybobsky
2. Actually, come to think of it -- any scifi made for tv movie just about sucks... with one exception: the pilot to white dwarf... now that was some awesome goodness...
another exception is Dune: The miniseries... although I guess that doesn't quite fit the "movie" genre...
It wasn't amazing, and skipped many parts of the book, but it gave a good overall synopsis of the series... (Children of Dune included)

1215/234215 (top .51875%)
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Luca
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2004-05-31, 13:55

Kung Pow: Enter The Fist is about the worst movie I've ever seen.

Imagine "Thumb Wars" meets "Iron Monkey" (both of which also suck, but Thumb Wars was thankfully short, and Iron Monkey had some cool fighting even though it sucked). Basically, they have about two or three actors total. Most scenes have the main character superimposed onto scenes from an old Kung Fu movie. ALL voices are done by the same guy. He has an annoying voice and while it's funny to see purposely bad dubbing and big guys with squeaky voices for a while, he seems to be very low on talent... all he can really do for "humor" is to make his voice all squeaky.

That movie was one of the greatest wastes of a $5 rental I've ever seen. It was extremely bad and almost never funny. Really dragged on too. It felt like it was longer than one of those epic three-hour movies, even at only 80 minutes.
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Chinney
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2004-05-31, 14:23

In the category of acclaimed movies that nevertheless should be avoided, I would put Forrest Gump near the top. Who wants to see and hear endless low-grade moralizing from a simple but wise cutesy hero in a pastiche plot (if you can call it a plot)? My wife fell asleep beside me and I ended up just checking my watch every 5 minutes. We both gave up with about a half an hour left to go. No doubt I missed a heart-warming ending. Usually I stay to the finish at movies, even if I am hating them, but in the case of Forrest Gump, I just did not care enough to stay.

My apologies for this diatribe to those of you who liked the Gumpster, but something about the movie really, really, did not 'click' with me.

I also hated "The Day After Tomorrow" - which I saw just last night. Schlock movie-making, and not even fun schlock (except for the wolves - I loved those little puppets). This is a subject that could have been such a better movie. Something that builds slowly and ominously and is actually scary - instead it was just a cheap adventure flick. Boring.

When there's an eel in the lake that's as long as a snake that's a moray.

Last edited by Chinney : 2004-05-31 at 14:32.
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SKMDC
superkaratemonkeydeathcar
 
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2004-05-31, 15:04

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chinney
In the category of acclaimed movies that nevertheless should be avoided, I would put Forrest Gump near the top.
i agree completely. in fact other than CAST AWAY (which i like) you can have any movie robert zemeckis directs.

also the fact that gump beat out PULP FICTION for the oscar for best picture will probably cause a few heads to be scratched in the future.

"What's a Canadian farm boy to do?"
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cooop
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2004-05-31, 15:23

The Santa Clause 2. I rented this last December in an attempt to get into the holiday spirit, but ended up spending Christmas Eve with (from what I have seen) must be one of the worst Christmas movies ever made. (It is worth mentioning, however, that the CGI reindeer are so poorly animated and "voiced" that they had me rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter for over ten minutes straight - so that's at least something).

Oh, and I know I'll get flamed for this, but I thought Spiderman was pretty bad too.
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cooop
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2004-05-31, 15:26

Quote:
Originally Posted by superkaratemonkeydeathcar
i agree completely. in fact other than CAST AWAY (which i like) you can have any movie robert zemeckis directs.
Surely you don't diss Back to the Future?!

And I rather enjoyed Forrest Gump. Sure, it may have a tendency to be a bit sentimental, but it isn't without its charm. And let's not forget about the famous "fruit company" reference.
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Chinney
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2004-05-31, 15:36

Quote:
Originally Posted by superkaratemonkeydeathcar

[...]

also the fact that gump beat out PULP FICTION for the oscar for best picture will probably cause a few heads to be scratched in the future.
Good point. I personally did not enjoy Pulp Fiction, (I have a low tolerance for that type of violence in movies) but it certainly was interesting and compelling moviemaking. Furthermore, it was influential movie-making something that other directors, the critics and the general public refer to even today. Forrest Gump, on the other hand, seems to have had no influence at all after it stole its undeserved Oscar. People will indeed be scratching their heads.

When there's an eel in the lake that's as long as a snake that's a moray.
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Chinney
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2004-05-31, 15:38

Quote:
Originally Posted by cooop

[...]

Oh, and I know I'll get flamed for this, but I thought Spiderman was pretty bad too.
Funny you should mention Spiderman. That was one of the few other movies, besides Forrest Gump, that I did not finish. It was just so monumentally boring that I had no interest in what happened next.

When there's an eel in the lake that's as long as a snake that's a moray.
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SKMDC
superkaratemonkeydeathcar
 
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2004-05-31, 15:51

Quote:
Originally Posted by cooop
Surely you don't diss Back to the Future?!

And I rather enjoyed Forrest Gump. Sure, it may have a tendency to be a bit sentimental, but it isn't without its charm. And let's not forget about the famous "fruit company" reference.
among other things (bad wigs and fake facial hair for starters) i dismiss gump out of respect to frank wills.
and back to the future out of respect to chuck berry.

i had examples from other movies but can't think of them right now.
he seems bent on diminishing the accomplishments of black men and handing them to white guys.

"What's a Canadian farm boy to do?"
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SKMDC
superkaratemonkeydeathcar
 
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2004-05-31, 15:56

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chinney
Funny you should mention Spiderman. That was one of the few other movies, besides Forrest Gump, that I did not finish. It was just so monumentally boring that I had no interest in what happened next.
i heard so many bad things about spiderman, how it was re-edited to remove the WTC towers. and how many errors it had. so i was amused to find i kind of liked it.

"What's a Canadian farm boy to do?"
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Quagmire
meh
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2004-05-31, 16:27

Here are my list of must avoid movies

1. Wind

2. The Natrual

3. Scary Movie 3

4. Van Helsing

I just want to add that Forrest Gump and Bill Gates has something in common. They both wanted women to put their clothes back on.

giggity

Last edited by Quagmire : 2004-05-31 at 16:45. Reason: Grammer mistake and spelling mistake
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pscates2.0
Mr. Farmiga
 
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2004-05-31, 16:34

You know what I find particularly cringe-inducing? Flipping around the channels on, say, a Saturday or Sunday afternoon (usually WGN, USA or TBS will be the culprits here) and seeing some movie from the 80's that, when it came out we all thought was cool, funny, etc.

But you watch it now and...ugh.

There was the big trend in 80's movies set in NYC to show secretaries with bobbed haircuts, HUGE damn eyeglasses and, while walking to work, wearing tennis shoes with their business clothes.



So many bad offshoots from that whole "Wall Street" pool, focusing on NYC, office workers, the Stock Exchange, etc. ("Working Girl", "Secret of My Success", "Bonfire of the Vanities", etc.). Just completely horrible to watch now. So dated, so cheesy.

Rivaled only by movies that came out that had a rock band in them, since MTV was new and anything remotely tagging onto that network was seen as "cool" and "cutting edge". That movie where Demi Moore played a rocker chick (can't remember the name), "Purple Rain", "Light of Day" (mmm...Joan Jett! ) and "St. Elmo's Fire": total mullet and/or Jheri curl city, and long dangling earrings, sleeveless shirts and an overly self-conscious "Check me out, I'm a rocker!" vibe. And at some point, the hero of the movie would get his/her chance to shine and sing The Big Song at The Club (aka The Big Break He/She Has Been Seeking). And someone in the band would have a bleached mohawk - which all us small-town teenagers would just freak out over and secretly covet) and be playing a Roland synth. And someone even goofier-looking (perhaps with blue spiked hair) would be playing a heavily chorused, over-processed Les Paul and posing ferociously with rock star faces. ALWAYS. And the crowd would LOVE the song, and all dance together.





Ewwww.

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Franz Josef
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2006-03-09, 03:32

Starship Troopers 2 - saw it a few days ago. Avoid like the plague unless

(1) you've lots of fresh pizza,

(2) already had lots af beer

(3)have lots more beer to see you through for two hours

and BTW, happy bump.
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kbk
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2006-03-09, 03:38

Quote:
Originally Posted by Franz Josef
Starship Troopers 2 - saw it a few days ago. Avoid like the plague unless

(1) you've lots of fresh pizza,

(2) already had lots af beer

(3)have lots more beer to see you through for two hours

and BTW, happy bump.
Agreed. That movie was beyond lame. I enjoyed the first one even though it was corny as all hell but the 2nd one...it just went too far. God knows why they even made it

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Brad
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2006-03-09, 04:09

Oh god. They couldn't have made that movie any worse.

The first movie was brilliant. I own it. I actually just watched it again recently. The second movie, though, you'd have to pay me (and pay me well) to watch again.

You need more than just beer to watch Starship Troopers 2. You need to finish off some hard liquor before you even think about getting started.

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AWR
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2006-03-09, 05:11

SLIVER, with one of the Baldwin bros. and Sharon Stone. From the mid 90s. That movie had no redeeming qualities; even the scene with Stone tossing the one-bean salad was laborious and predictable.

PEARL HARBOR. A perfectly good historical topic, crushed under Hollywood's distended belly and risk aversion.

FORREST GUMP. What Chinney said. That movie made me squirm in my chair it was so earnest. Rubbish.
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Barto
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2006-03-09, 05:27

I concur with Chimney's assessment of Forest Gump.

I'll throw Girl With A Pearl Earring out there. Apparently it's good if you have read the book (ie, you can fill in the total lack of dialogue and apparent plot). I haven't read the book.

The sky was deep black; Jesus still loved me. I started down the alley, wailing in a ragged bass.
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