[Kraetos]

I don't know what to do, guys. I want some advice from someone who has been in a similar situation because this is killing me.

I guess I'll start from the beginning.

About 6 months ago I found complete and utter happiness. I found a girl who loved me for me, did all the nerdy things I did, could make a website, could write a stylesheet, liked all the TV shows and movies and music I did, including BSG, was smart, funny, absolutely adorable, and amazing. I love her with all my heart.

And then I went to college and had to leave her behind. It was, unquestionably, the most bittersweet moment of my life. All throughout high school I was striving to find a way out, because I hated it there, and after I had finally found it, the girl of my dreams walks into my life and made me wanna stay.

So I went to college. And loved it. And we agreed that we still loved each other and we would make it work and after a month of college I still love her dearly. We also agreed that we would have an open relationship, that we would keep our separate lives discreet and keep it on a don't ask, don't tell basis.

About a week ago, I was at a party, completely trashed, as usual. A new friend of mine hooked up with a girl I had recently hooked up with and I was devastated, not because I cared, but because I was drunk and I was overreacting. I didn't even LIKE the girl, hell, I regretted hooking up with her at all! I woke up the next morning and just didn't care. But in that moment of complete inebriation, I was in pain, and I missed my girlfriend more than ever.

So I went home and called her. It was about 2 AM, she was obviously asleep, so I left a message. She has told me repeatedly that she loved my drunken messages so this just encouraged me.

Now, I vaguely remember this. And I remember saying something along the lines of "I hate drunken hookups and I love you and I miss you."

I told her the previous day that I was coming home, I have no class monday and I was excited to see her. She said she was excited to see me too.

So I make the trek all the way home, really for no reason other than to see her. She ignores me first call. "Well, shes bad with her phone. No biggie." I leave a message. I get home, call again, call again... no answer. And it rings all the way through - her phone isn't off.

Now I am getting worried. What is going on?

Well it's late, shes still in high school, shes probably asleep or something. I go to bed, no big deal, just happy to be in my own, big bed.

I go to rehearsal the next morning, because I know she'll be there. I talk with my old theater teacher, nice to see him, and wait for her to finish vocal practice. As soon as its over... she looks at me, and then scurries backstage.

Okay, somethings wrong. I try and find her but shes already gone! Normally people like to mingle or catch a ride for 10 or so minutes after reharsal, but she has already bolted.

I call her. No answer.

Something is really wrong.

I call her friend.

"Why WOULD she wanna talk to you? You've been busy hooking up with drunk girls! She said you even have a new girlfriend!"

Oh fuck.

I call her. No answer. I left her a message attempting to explain everything. How sorry I was and how much she was hurting me and how much I love her. She's misinterpreted what I said, and I don't even really know WHAT I said. But that doesn't change the fact that right now, she doesn't even want to give me a chance.

You don't understand, guys, how much I love this girl. I could be myself around her, thats never happened before with ANYONE. She felt like my soulmate. She loved me SO much. It made me feel like I was king of the world.

I call her again, leave another message. I was crying this time, just begging her to call me and listen to me! She hasn't called back.

I don't know what to do! I don't. Half of me says I need to let her go but I can't. I know she loves me and shes just in pain, but if I let her go she WILL stop loving me and I can't bear the thought of that. But, another part of me says I need to force this. I need to find her and plead my case because I need to make her understand she is the world to me and I can't live without her.

I don't know what to do. I am so confused and I have no idea how to proceed, but I know I need her to know how I feel. But she wont even LISTEN.

It hurts so much. Like nothing else.

And I don't know what to do.

[pilot1129]

write her an actual letter. not email, dont type and print it, hand write that letter and mail it to her explaining what happened.

I gah-run-tee it'll atleast open up channels of communication and she'll even hold onto the letter and wont throw it away even after this whole thing is settled.

also, dont beg and dont cry on the phone. theres time for sensitivity and thats not it.

i had the EXACT same experience as you and you sound a lot like I did when i graduated from high school 3.5 years ago.

[Kickaha]

First advice: agreeing to an open relationship is one thing, being okay with it actively is quite another. Been there, done that, wondered what the hell happened, and much later realized that while we were all honest with each other, we weren't honest with ourselves first. Hard lesson.

Second advice: presentation is everything. If the first she heard about your having 'drunken hookups' was during your drunkcall, then... not good.

Third advice: relax. I know that's a lot harder to do than say, but... been there.

And, going out on a limb here, but... like I said, been there. When you say: "You don't understand, guys, how much I love this girl. I could be myself around her, thats never happened before with ANYONE." I believe you. Figure out how to be yourself *by* yourself, and you'll find it's a lot better in whatever relationship you end up in. You shouldn't ever have to rely on the presence of a specific person to feel whole. Augmented, elevated, and improved, sure. But whole, or complete, or even yourself? Those should be innate qualities.

[intlplby]

it's over.....honestly... time to move ahead.... this is not the first time this will happen and i'll put money that it won't be the last time it will happen.... the longer you stay hung up on her the more chance you'll throw away an opportunity to meet someone else....if it's meant to be you'll meet again when you are both more mature and things will pick up right where you left off..

if you keep calling and trying to get back together you are only going to make it worse...

btw.. the only girls that are really mean it when they say they are okay with open relationships are the kinds of girls that will do other girls, do other guys and let you watch, let other people watch you two having sex, etc..... if she's not open to other things sexually, chances are 101% that she's not actually into open relationships

[scratt]

At the risk of sounding harsh..

You are both young, and I doubt if you will end up with each other ultimately.
The very fact that you both so glibly agreed to the 'open relationship' thing shows that..

As Kick says, phoning when you are drunk and emotional! Duh!

I also feel that if you are really that serious about someone then your relationship should be able to stand the distance.. I have done it.. Lot's of people do it. From a very young age to now I could not concieve of having feelings for one person that strong, and then going and copping off with someone else.. I would rather abstain, or go play with myself in the shower..

She may also have not really wanted the 'open relationship' thing, and was waiting to see if you took advantage of it. Girls are wierd like that.. But wait, it get's more fucked up..

On the flip side, she's young too, and if the right guy turned up, she may well have taken advantage of the option, and then been just as confused as you are right now when you freaked out.

You both need to sit down and talk about what you really want / wanted and then make a decision based on your needs / feelings.. If she doesn't want to talk, you have your answer, for now.. Let it lie and see how things are on the next trip.. She can have her revenge fling while you are back at college.. How will you feel about that.. You need to ask yourself...

Alternatively, put it down to experience, get the 'young relationships' thing out of your system, and settle down with someone a bit later in life...

Sorry if I sound harsh... But that's the way it is...

[Kraetos]

I don't WANT to move on.

I've got an open wound on my heart, it hurts like hell, and I don't want it to get better. I don't want to believe that I will be alright.

I want to be in excruciating pain until I find out exactly what happened.

Because I would rather be miserable without her than happy with someone else. Because at least then, shes on my mind. And I know she loves me. I can tell. I can feel she loves me, even now.

If she wants to be in a real relationship, none of this open shit, then fine. A million drunken hookups couldn't make up for one minute of being with her.

I just wish I could tell HER.

I think I'll write that letter soon.

[Wrao]

Happened to me a couple years ago, worst thing ever, I can't tell you I'm fully better, but I can tell you that you're going to be dumb, make things worse than they are, be angry at her, yourself, your life and a lot of other things, and ultimately even if there was a chance of reconciliation/repair, I can guarantee you that you're going to botch it up before it's possible. At the end of the day, no matter what you say, you and this girl are not capable of having a 'real relationship', you both need to grow up and you can't do that together. Even 6 months from now when you think you're better, you will still dig up lingering thoughts and it will still affect you. Take some comfort in knowing that it happens to everyone and that you will be okay, but feel perfectly fine exploring what it brings out in you. Be angry, be sad, be afraid, be hurt, wallow in it. No one's grieving process is the same and what might seem to take a day for one person could take a year for someone else.

Just be wary of compromising your own integrity and self-worth because you think it will make things better. You only have control over your own life, not hers.

or you could always bone her mom, that's a good way to grow up.

The other thing to consider. If you're right about this girl being all that and a nice ass, then chill out. You'll have your time with her. It's not now, but it'll come eventually, when you grow up(and when she does too). You've got the rest of your life ahead, so have this time to discover yourself and I promise by the time you two have grown up to where you need to be, chances are you'll see her and be pretty unimpressed. If not, then marry her and have babies everywhere.

[drewprops]

Chase her a little longer.
Some people are together for life, you might be one of them.
Don't be creepy.

And remember that she may not have yet had HER moment of weakness. Would you be strong enough to forgive HER?

[chucker]

Originally Posted by Kraetos We also agreed that we would have an open relationship, that we would keep our separate lives discreet and keep it on a don't ask, don't tell basis.

A lot easier said than done. I've been through two long long-distance relationships. It works. For a while. And then you have strong feelings of loneliness and your partner just isn't around, and then you're screwed because doing nothing kills you, and doing something that might hurt your partner's feeling also kills you.

She has told me repeatedly that she loved my drunken messages so this just encouraged me.

Have you ever wondered why she "loves your drunken messages"? Probably because, when you're drunk, part of you is as true and honest to yourself as it gets. When drunk, you don't think, you just do. So, for her to hear unreserved that "you've been hooking up with drunk girls", it actually makes that message truer than it would have been if you had said it while not drunk (in which case she would have easily considered it a joke, or an exaggeration).

Just food for thought, really. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[Maciej]

I'm guess I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, but I think scatt is right. Knowing you don't wanna hear that, and knowing you intend to pursue this further I suggest you do it slowly, and don't do anything rash. Be cool and realize that she needs time and doesn't want to see you begging or anything like that.

[AsLan^]

Originally Posted by Maciej Be cool and realize that she needs time and doesn't want to see you begging or anything like that.

What are you talking about? That's exactly what she wants!

[Partial]

I like you as a poster, and I don't want to offend you, but I read this and was left wondering this:

If you like this girl so much, then why would you meanginglessly hook up with another girl. Secondly, why would you tell your open-relationship girlfriend about it?

I can offer you this advice:
Relationships tend to only work in the all or nothing stage. While perhaps this girl and you were in an open-relationship in your opinion, perhaps she was not really feeling the same way and not ready to accept that. Is that explained well? It just does not work out that way, probably for the same reason it is really hard for people that aren't 16 to have a good friendship with someone they dated for an extended period of time. My guess is you crushed the poor girl because while you had the freedom to see others, she didn't foresee you doing this, just wanting the freedom, and she possibly never intended to act on that freedom.

Another piece of advice:
Don't date yourself. Sure, it may be great to find someone that accepts you right away for what you are and is interested in the same things, but when push comes to shove 10 years down the road what are the two of you going to do? write code? photoshop pics? They say opposites attract for a reason! It keeps things more interesting and allows you to keep your life (hobbies, etc) seperate from theirs, even in marriage.

You're entering a new stage in your life and this girl is not. While it may only be one year of age/grade difference, the difference of experiencing college and living on your own is HUGE and makes you grow up very quickly. I can understand you not seeing this yet, but you will. Trust me. This is the absolute perfect time to get to know as many people as you can, and grow as a person. Perhaps you'll find something you absolutely love and become an entirely different person (tale as old as time). I would live the single life for awhile, regardless as to if you can successfully remedy this situation.

Take it with a grain of salt, I don't know the life situations of you, am making assumptions, and probably have no idea what I am talking about. I am just offering what I interpreted from reading the first post.

[Partial]

Originally Posted by chucker A lot easier said than done. I've been through two long long-distance relationships. It works. For a while. And then you have strong feelings of loneliness and your partner just isn't around, and then you're screwed because doing nothing kills you, and doing something that might hurt your partner's feeling also kills you.

amen. Been there, done that. It's hard! How great was the distance in yours? Mine was an hour max so it wasn't awful since we managed to spend a lot of time together still.

[Partial]

Originally Posted by Wrao Happened to me a couple years ago, worst thing ever, I can't tell you I'm fully better, but I can tell you that you're going to be dumb, make things worse than they are, be angry at her, yourself, your life and a lot of other things, and ultimately even if there was a chance of reconciliation/repair, I can guarantee you that you're going to botch it up before it's possible. At the end of the day, no matter what you say, you and this girl are not capable of having a 'real relationship', you both need to grow up and you can't do that together. Even 6 months from now when you think you're better, you will still dig up lingering thoughts and it will still affect you. Take some comfort in knowing that it happens to everyone and that you will be okay, but feel perfectly fine exploring what it brings out in you. Be angry, be sad, be afraid, be hurt, wallow in it. No one's grieving process is the same and what might seem to take a day for one person could take a year for someone else. Just be wary of compromising your own integrity and self-worth because you think it will make things better. You only have control over your own life, not hers. or you could always bone her mom, that's a good way to grow up. The other thing to consider. If you're right about this girl being all that and a nice ass, then chill out. You'll have your time with her. It's not now, but it'll come eventually, when you grow up(and when she does too). You've got the rest of your life ahead, so have this time to discover yourself and I promise by the time you two have grown up to where you need to be, chances are you'll see her and be pretty unimpressed. If not, then marry her and have babies everywhere.

well put

[zsummers]

Originally Posted by drewprops Chase her a little longer. Some people are together for life, you might be one of them. Don't be creepy. And remember that she may not have yet had HER moment of weakness. Would you be strong enough to forgive HER?

I'm with drewprops 100% on this one. I think that's the best advice you've gotten here. Don't totally despair yet. But DO NOT BE CREEPY. Creepy sucks and will make her stay away from you. Express the things you've been expressing to us anonymous folks here on this board, to her, calmly and sincerely. But no, "Let's be together and make babies" talk. Stick to the, "I've really enjoyed what time we've had so far, and I want to see how far this might go, however far that is" talk.

And for f#$-sakes, if you like the girl that much, stop hooking up with other girls. And if that means getting a little less drunk, then get a little less drunk. One thing I don't think anybody's told you here yet (and I mean this in a spirit of total empathy) is that you're an idiot. We all are. Human beings seem to need to screw things up massively to figure anything out that's real about themselves. And it's healthy and good, I guess. Don't let anyone tell you different. But learn from your mistakes... 'cause otherwise they'll keep on repeating and repeating.

Good luck. I really do hope it works itself out.

[Wrao]

Originally Posted by zsummers But no, "Let's be together and make babies" talk. Stick to the, "I've really enjoyed what time we've had so far, and I want to see how far this might go, however far that is" talk.

I'm not sure if I agree with him wearing his vagina on his sleeve like that, but to each his own.

[chucker]

Originally Posted by tensdanny38 amen. Been there, done that. It's hard! How great was the distance in yours? Mine was an hour max so it wasn't awful since we managed to spend a lot of time together still.

A continent. In both cases. Or, an ocean, if you will.

[zsummers]

Originally Posted by Wrao I'm not sure if I agree with him wearing his vagina on his sleeve like that, but to each his own.

Okay... okay... give me a break. It's a paraphrase for not overwhelming her with "you're the love of my life, never leave me" talk.

[Wrao]

Originally Posted by tensdanny38 amen. Been there, done that. It's hard! How great was the distance in yours? Mine was an hour max so it wasn't awful since we managed to spend a lot of time together still.

An hour? long-distance? what the heck? was this before you could drive?

Interestingly enough, since I moved to Washington I have noticed that basically everyone I know that isn't from California thinks any thing more than 30 minutes of driving is a long distance. Meanwhile it isn't until the 3 or 4 hour mark that I feel inconveniently distanced from something.

[thegeriatric]

Wow. If you really feel as strongly about this girl as you say you do. (and i believe you do) Then why would you agree to an open relationship? Did she just because she thought it was what you wanted? Not necessarily what she wanted, or was it the other way round. either way these kind of relationships rarely work.

I agree with pilot1129, write that letter tell her exactly how you feel but don't be to sloppy, and try to arrange to talk either by phone or possible meeting neutral territory coffee shop or similar so no one feels uncomfortable.

If your feelings for eachother are anywhere near as strong as you indicate then there is hope.

Good luck, hope it works out for you both.

[Jamie240]

We also agreed that we would have an open relationship, that we would keep our separate lives discreet and keep it on a don't ask, don't tell basis.

I think writing the letter will be your only avenue to try to patch this up. And even then, it might not work, because she sounds well and truly devastated.

The thing is, you said this open relationship thing would be on a "don't ask, don't tell" basis, but your drunken phone call blew that whole scenario wide open. You call up drunk and god knows 'what' you said. You apparently actually mentioned a 'new girlfriend'; you refer to drunken hookups.

You probably sounded to her like you were getting drunk constantly and getting laid at the drop of a hat. Not too far off, from your description. Well, I think that's just WAY too much reality for her to deal with all at once, especially from a drunken phone message.

Honestly, I think only the passage of some time might help heal her wounds. Right now she's emotionally distraught and not thinking all that rationally. Your letter might help a lot. If what you say rings true, and it perks in her brain for a while, she might eventually be able to get over this episode and start afresh with you. But it'll never be quite the same.

[murbot]

Kick's right, I think these things might sound trendy to do, but pretty hard to live out. Imagine you getting this message:

"Hey baby, how are you? Oh my god I love you so much and I am SOOO drunk right now, it's like 4 in the morning and I just got home. I'm sorry I called so late, I just like, love you so much and really miss you. I wish I was there with you right now, I'm so tired of all these drunk hookups and stuff. Everytime I'm going down on a guy and his legs quiver I think of you and that thing you always do, ha ha, god I love you. Please call me baby I miss you."

Yeah. Ouch. I'm not so sure about those open relationships, bra.

[Moogs]

To echo a few things already mentioned by kick, scratt and others:

1. You're young and (to be a little harsh) inexperienced. I don't mean to say that what you two had wasn't special (I am certain it was, because I've been there too, feeling *exactly* all the same fears and pain you do). What I mean is, no matter how much you think you might've lost the only one for you, I'm willing to bet $1000 that two or three years from now (at most) you'll look back on this and chuckle a bit.

You are in college, do you know what that means? It means if you stay open to people and try to grow from this, you have the opportunity to meet *many* women who you will find every bit as amazing as the one you're lamenting now. TRUST ME. Right now there are a dozen guys like me on this board going "what I wouldn't give to do that again, knowing what I know." Believe me when I tell you "life is beautiful" for someone in your spot.

2. Don't ever call a woman when you're drunk and missing her / feeling lonely. Even if they say it's funny, don't do it. Don't email them drunk in the middle of the night either. If you really love someone the least you can do is afford them the privilege of reading something you wrote, while thinking clearly... right? Don't feel too bad; I was the *king* of "put it on paper" when I was in a funk and wanting my girl to know how much i missed her or whatever.

You feel like if you don't call them or see them or tell them in writing -right then and there- exactly why you want to be with them so badly (or whatever the situation is), that you might lose them or that they might forget about you. It's normal, but it's misguided unfortunately. We all have to learn that one the hard way at some point, and you just did. Welcome to life.

2a. Don't try to make up for ill-timed or thought-out phone calls / letters / emails, with more phone calls / emails / letters. It can only get worse and make you look desperate, which you shouldn't be. I'm reminded of that scene in Swingers where John Favro (sp?) continuously leaves this woman he met at the bars messages, because he fucked up every other message to that point. Just let it be. In time, she'll either contact you or she won't. Let her decide.

3. Who you are as a person and what you value in other people as a teenager, will change considerably by the time you're in your late 20s. In short, most likely you're *not* meant to be with someone you met in high school, even if you were still together. Few, if any of us, are. It's just not a very logical thing when you think about all the variables working against it.

4. Smile. You are going to feel that full heart again and in less than a year if I had to bet. Just stay open to people.

[Naderfan]

I agree with a lot that has already been said. Frankly, if my boyfriend did that to me, I'd drop him. You probably don't want to hear that, and I obviously don't know your girlfriend, but I think you need to be prepared for that possibility.

When I was in high school and getting ready to leave for college, I was dating a great guy and I thought we really had something. But we were going to two different colleges in two different states. When he asked me what I wanted to do, I was honest and said that I was pretty sure we were going to change in college and we shouldn't try to limit ourselves because of a high school relationship. I told him that we'd get together during breaks when we were both home and if there was still something there, then we'd try the long distance thing, but if not, no hard feelings. He was so relieved! And when we were back in town during Thanksgiving, we went to a party and he had a new girlfriend at school and I realized that we were great friends, but that was that.

Anyway, I'm just saying that the two of you might have thought you were destined for each other, but you're changing. And frankly, if you're randomly hooking up with girls, I think you really need to examine what you want. And for her sake, in case you do get back together...make sure you get tested. (Sorry to sound all PSA there).

[Kraetos]

Originally Posted by tensdanny38 I like you as a poster, and I don't want to offend you, but I read this and was left wondering this: If you like this girl so much, then why would you meanginglessly hook up with another girl. Secondly, why would you tell your open-relationship girlfriend about it?

Because I was drunk... and, because I was drunk. And when I am drunk, I am an idiot. I will start drinking less, that's for damn sure.

Originally Posted by thegeriatric Wow. If you really feel as strongly about this girl as you say you do. (and i believe you do) Then why would you agree to an open relationship? Did she just because she thought it was what you wanted? Not necessarily what she wanted, or was it the other way round. either way these kind of relationships rarely work.

Because at the time, I don't think I realized how much I love her. Honestly. When they say you don't realize how good you have it until you don't have it anymore, they're not fucking around.

Also, a part of me was believing all this you guys were spewing at me. That I would get to college and there would be a million girls I like. But so far, thats not true. This girl was special and I can't just replace her.

Originally Posted by murbot Kick's right, I think these things might sound trendy to do, but pretty hard to live out. Imagine you getting this message: "Hey baby, how are you? Oh my god I love you so much and I am SOOO drunk right now, it's like 4 in the morning and I just got home. I'm sorry I called so late, I just like, love you so much and really miss you. I wish I was there with you right now, I'm so tired of all these drunk hookups and stuff. Everytime I'm going down on a guy and his legs quiver I think of you and that thing you always do, ha ha, god I love you. Please call me baby I miss you." Yeah. Ouch. I'm not so sure about those open relationships, bra.

Okay, THAT made me laugh.

And then it made me think. And... yeah... I am an idiot. Agreed. Mostly because I drink so much.

Originally Posted by Moogs 2. Don't ever call a woman when you're drunk and missing her / feeling lonely. Even if they say it's funny, don't do it. Don't email them drunk in the middle of the night either. If you really love someone the least you can do is afford them the privilege of reading something you wrote, while thinking clearly... right? Don't feel too bad; I was the *king* of "put it on paper" when I was in a funk and wanting my girl to know how much i missed her or whatever.

Noted. Will stop doing that. Given that I plan to drink less, hopefully this will not come up as much.

Originally Posted by Naderfan And for her sake, in case you do get back together...make sure you get tested. (Sorry to sound all PSA there).

No sex, or other potentially STD transmitting acts, were involved with drunken college girls. I am not THAT stupid.

[Schnauzer]

Did you do the letter part yet?

[Perfecting_Zero]

Kraetos,



I had a girlfriend who, for the two of us, suggested "open relationships." She was -- quite self-consciously -- an artist, and eager to live-out the image (her image) of an "artist:" worldly; sophisticated; socially, aesthetically and intellectually progressive. She desired the image of a sophisticate; she cultivated many permutations of the jaded and cooly-dark sensibility. She was lithe, demure, intelligent, poised and well-spoken: a winning, if ultimately disingenuous, melange of attributes, to be sure.

We are still friends, but, happily, split. Throughout (and after) that relationship, I wish I could say that I learned as much about myself as I learned about her.

I think that we must be true to ourselves above all else. In that regard, Kraetos, good luck!



(I imagined that my first post at AN would have been something....other than this.)

Best,

Z

[billybobsky]

Let it go.

It's over. It was with your first hook up.

[Windowsrookie]

No, you wouldn't be drinking at age 18 would you?

[ast3r3x]

I can't give much advice on love, I only had one serious relationship in high school, and never acted when other girls liked me because I am/was too reserved. I'm less so now, but that isn't the point.

Originally Posted by Kraetos Because I was drunk... and, because I was drunk. And when I am drunk, I am an idiot. I will start drinking less, that's for damn sure.

I have little to no sympathy for people who use drunkenness as an excuse unless this was the first time you drank more than a beer/glass of wine/single shot. Recreational drugs of any kind don't count as a valid excuse for actions.

Now as a person who is a lot more logical than emotional (I'd imagine some of you are the same way, probably a bad thing actually) I think you sound very naive and silly right now being so distraught because the first girl you clicked with is mad at you, but I am routing for you. Good luck!