User Name
Password
AppleNova Forums » AppleOutsider »

The Joke Thread


Register Members List Calendar Search FAQ Posting Guidelines
The Joke Thread
Page 1 of 6 [1] 2 3 4 5  Next Last Thread Tools
Wrao
Yarp
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Road Warrior
 
2005-04-24, 18:50

Yes, this thread isn't serious, it's just a big joke.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, it's time to share your favorite jokes. Unfortunately my catalogue of jokes is limited despite being a big fan of jokes. So hopefully through this thread, not only will I learn some great new jokes, but I will learn some great new jokes. So Have at it.

I'll start with a meager one.

Two Blokes walked into a pub

A misunderstanding occurred

The outcome was hilarious.
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2005-04-24, 18:51

Old, but I'll do it anyway.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are ten cents apiece, deer nuts are just under a buck.

HAHAHA LOLOLOL ugh that was dumb.
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2005-04-24, 18:54

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds?


Because there's twenty of them!



OK, I'll leave now.
  quote
thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2005-04-24, 19:12

Why does Mike Tyson always cry when he's having sex?
Mace
.
Horse walked into a bar, and the tender says, "Why the long face?"
.
Termite walked into a bar, and says, "Hey! Where's the bar tender?"
  quote
Wrao
Yarp
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Road Warrior
 
2005-04-24, 19:19

Quote:
Originally Posted by thuh Freak
Termite walked into a bar, and says, "Hey! Where's the bar tender?"

Termite walks into a bar and says "is the bartender here?
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-24, 19:31

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man
dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he
asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or
a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then
along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How
do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"
------------------------------------------------

I have hundreds
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-24, 21:11

Scientists have discovered that at some point in their lives most women will contain intelligent DNA.

Unfortunately, 95% of them will spit it out.

------------------------------------------
  quote
FFL
Fishhead Family Reunited
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Slightly Off Center
 
2005-04-24, 21:19

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  quote
Naderfan
Queen of Confrontation
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ohio
 
2005-04-24, 21:24

Three men are standing outside the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter comes out and tells them: "I'm terribly sorry, but we're filling up in here. Therefore, only one of you may enter. Tell me how you died, and whoever had the worst death will be able to enter."

So the first man says: "Well, I had suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work. I found her naked in our bedroom and heard a commotion outside on our balcony. I ran out there and there was the man, hanging off the edge, trying to climb back up! I was so mad, I grabbed a hammer and pounded his fingers until he let go. He fell and I thought he was dead, but he landed on some bushes and was still alive. This enraged me even further, so I ran back inside, and pushed our fridge over the balcony, crushing him. But then I was so ashamed, I shot myself and here I am." St. Peter nodded.

The second man tells his story: "It was a beautiful day, and so I thought I would do my exercises out on my balcony. Unfortunately, I fell over the side. Luckily though I was able to grab ahold of another balcony. I began trying to pull myself over the ledge when this crazy man ran out and started screaming at me. He then got a hammer and started pounding on my fingers until I finally had to let go. I thought I was dead, but some bushes broke my fall. I was thanking heaven that I was still alive when I looked up and the last thing I saw was a fridge falling on top of me. And then I was here." St. Peter comforted the poor man and then turned to the third.

"Picture this: You're naked, in a refridgerator..."
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-24, 21:45

A husband and wife were screwing up a storm. Afterward, the husband
headed to the bathroom to clean up. He was halfway down the hall when
his 6-year-old son also stepped into the hallway and was shocked to see
his old man standing there wearing nothing more than a condom.

The boy pointed at his father's penis and asked, "Dad, what are you
doing?"

The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control, started with a
bullshit story. "Son, I'm trying to catch a mouse."

The boy, still in shock, asked, "What are ya gonna do when ya catch it
... fuck it?"

-------------------

A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk a long a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to take a piss."

Slightly taken a back by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind this hedge. She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits,
he can hear the sound of tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs
and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches
through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!"

"No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

----------------------------

In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my
gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and
in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings there and was awarded a
batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

---------------------------

A woman goes to the doctor's office.

"Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded
to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of
the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green
circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a
lesbian, by any chance?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man
with his head between her thighs she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually.
Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings
aren't real gold."
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2005-04-24, 22:00

Ole walks in the door one evening looking distraught. Lena asks him, "Ole, what's wrong?"

"Oh Lena," says Ole, "terrible news today. I got fired from my job."

"Oh my goodness!" says Lena. "What happened?"

"I, uh... I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer."

Lena cringes. "Oh God! Are you okay?"

"Yes, I wasn't hurt, thankfully," says Ole.

"What happened to the pickle slicer?" asks Lena.

"Oh, she got fired too."
  quote
Dave J
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
 
2005-04-25, 02:40

Ole is of course a Swede as is his wife Lena. Lena weighs several hundred pounds.

One day they acquire a pet monkey. Ole is telling his neighbor about the new arrival when the neighbor exclaims, "Good grief Ole how are you gonna care for that thing?"

Ole: "Vy he ain't no trubble."

"But what do you feed it?" persists the neighbor.

"Vy ve feed it wotever tis ve havink ourselves" says Ole.

"But where does it sleep?" asks the neighbor.

Ole: "Vy he sleep vit Lena and I."

"He sleeps in your bed?!! But what about the smell!?" exclaims the neighbor.

Ole: "He'll yust hafta get used to it, yust like I did."
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2005-04-25, 02:48

Ole lays in his bed, dying. There's nothing that can be done for him. Meanwhile, Lena is in the kitchen cooking a rhubarb pie. As the aroma wafts up to where Ole lays in his deathbed, he begins to perk up just a little bit. He musters just enough strength to drag himself out of bed, down the stairs, and into the kitchen, where he pulls himself up to the counter and tries to take a piece.

Then Lena walks in. "Shame on you!" she scolds Ole, "those are for the funeral!"


Ah... Ole and Lena jokes.
  quote
thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2005-04-25, 09:53

just after the tsunamis and horrible trouble they caused, osama gets a text message from God, stating simply, "Top that, motherfucker!"
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 09:55

Quote:
Originally Posted by thuh Freak
just after the tsunamis and horrible trouble they caused, osama gets a text message from God, stating simply, "Top that, motherfucker!"
Wow...surefire way to get punched in the face telling a joke around the water cooler
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2005-04-25, 10:01

....as opposed to your DNA joke, of course.
  quote
murbot
Hoonigan
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2005-04-25, 10:28

That joke about the talking dog makes me laugh outloud every time I hear it.

It's a fucking perfect joke.

  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 12:21

Quote:
Originally Posted by 709
....as opposed to your DNA joke, of course.
That'll just get you fired for sexual harassment...best case
  quote
thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2005-04-25, 12:54

Quote:
Originally Posted by ast3r3x
Wow...surefire way to get punched in the face telling a joke around the water cooler
i dont know too many inoffensive jokes. i'd love to share some of the more bigoted jokes, but its my experience that public threads dont sit well with those.
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 13:06

Yeah, I'd love to hear them, but this might not be the place for such jokes.
  quote
Wrao
Yarp
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Road Warrior
 
2005-04-25, 13:08

What did the worm say to the army?
get shootin!!

(highlight to reveal answer, gotta sell this one hard)
  quote
Alex London
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Hmm. London
 
2005-04-25, 13:23

Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other, " can you smell carrots? "
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 15:49

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a
very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
just fair given that you are blind -- that you
should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a
professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and declares, "F*** NO,, not if I'm gonna have to explain
it five times."

-----------------------------------------------

A bartender is preparing to open for the night
when he hears a knock at the door, he opens
the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before
you open?"

So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line
'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much,
but he fills them and he watches her down the
lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he
thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has
had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business
he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go.
Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and
puts her outside the door where she first came
from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell
rings again so he answers and the girl is back.
He cant believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks,
"Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey
makes my twat sore."

--------------------------------

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when

Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead

at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue

playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be

discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.

Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to

come home."

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

Last edited by ast3r3x : 2005-04-25 at 15:55.
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 15:58

WARNING

Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and
bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have
an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you
can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far
as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet
here tomorrow and tell each other what we did.

The other gentleman agreed and each man began
walking in opposite directions down the beach.

The next day, they meet and the first guy says:

"So...Tell me about your day!"

The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a
great one! I found a small little oasis with a
pond and some cool grass and spent the day
swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What
happened to you?

His friend laughed and said: "You're never going
to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the
coast and came to these train tracks. I walked
down the tracks about a mile and found this girl
with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied
to the rails! I untied her and carried her to
some grass nearby and we spent all day and night
having the most incredible sex I've ever had!
This girl was amazing! We did everything
together!"

The other guy looked at his friend in amazement
and asked him..."Everything?"

"Everything!" he replied. "Did she suck your
dick?"

"Well...no...She didn't do that..." the man said
with a sigh..."I couldn't find her head!"

Last edited by ast3r3x : 2005-04-25 at 16:17.
  quote
thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2005-04-25, 16:07

Quote:
Originally Posted by ast3r3x
WARNING
spectacular.
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 16:18

EVEN WORSE

I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one
of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside
the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell
happened to you?"

Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He
pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.

"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy
another car," I level-headedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.

After looking, I continued to console him.
"Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."

Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly,
"Look inside her ****ing mouth!"
  quote
709
¡Damned!
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2005-04-25, 16:45

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex London
Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other, " can you smell carrots? "


Now that's funny.
  quote
agent302
"I'm learnding!"
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Fremont, CA
Send a message via AIM to agent302  
2005-04-25, 17:29

A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, "Well, that settles that."
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 17:51

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil...

"The hat check girl puts out!"
  quote
ast3r3x
25 chars of wasted space.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Send a message via AIM to ast3r3x  
2005-04-25, 17:54

Smaller Warning

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks
the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job
is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job
is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over
here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the
street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a
blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He
can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He
decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before
us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
  quote
Posting Rules Navigation
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Page 1 of 6 [1] 2 3 4 5  Next Last

Post Reply

Forum Jump
Thread Tools
Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
FAQ: Check this thread *first* if you have problems or questions! Brad Genius Bar 26 2007-03-19 15:49
Insetring image into my thread in this forum. How? LINDA.p Genius Bar 5 2005-07-28 05:40
Thread Read vs. Not Read Indicators Maciej Feedback 6 2004-08-09 19:22


« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 15:28.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004 - 2024, AppleNova