[murbot]

You know those pre-paid return envelopes you get in your junk mail? I always save them, and when I have a little pile I’ll take the contents of one and stick it in the return envelope of another, and so on. I’ve always done this. I guess making the bastards pay even a few bucks makes it worth the time to open the shit.

Lately I’ve been cutting the postage marks off the envelopes and using them to mail my own letters. I did this 4 times last month, and every one of them got through. Just stupid jokes and things, nothing important that really has to get through, of course.

Then a couple weeks ago my dad mentions having to go and buy more paper for their printer. That day I get an offer for a low interest rate on balance transfers from Mastercard. So I take a large envelope at work, stuff it with an inch thick pile of blank paper, cut the postage off of their pre-paid envelope, and tape it on. Sure as shit, it got there. I’m sure that one cost a good $3.

Anyway, I got another one from American Express today. I got 2 from them last week. I was just about to stuff some papers from the garbage into the envelope and drop it in the mail, but I’m feeling creative today. I want to write the poor broad that opens these things a letter.

Here’s what I just typed out really quickly:

-----

Hi there!

I just wanted to let you know that just because your job sucks total ass, it’s not the end of the world. Things have a way of working themselves out, so keep your chin up. Unless the slave drivers in your sorting facility don’t like that kind of thing, that is.

I usually just send these envelopes back empty to make the credit card companies pay the postage, but I thought I’d include a little note this time. Someone out there is trying to send you warm thoughts by like, telepathy or some shit. Maybe it’ll work and you won’t try to beat up your supervisor today.

Have a great day, try and lay off the booze tonight, and if your husband wants to fool around a little, please do it. Men have it so hard these days, and if women would just put out a little more, the world really would be a better place.

Take care.

-----

Actually I did this, and then had the idea to write this thread, because I think it could be a little better, and you guys can help me out. I posted the first draft as-is; I’ll post it and then start a revision. It probably shouldn't be too much longer though, or it might get tossed before it's actually read.

I’ll check back before I mail it, to see what cool things you boys have cooked up. Even if you have one good sentence, post it and I’ll work it in.

[johnq]

Less said the better. Bad enough you have your fingerprints on it all.

Using those envelopes for personal mail is mail fraud, they'll come after you. Why give them "proof"?

Anyway, write it in spanish. Surely that's "work that Americans don't want to do" as Bush phrases it.

[murbot]

Bah. I'm already on the fingerprint thing. I was bored the day I sent the paper, so I used gloves and the whole bit. No return address. I put my dad's name, and then "or current tenant" underneath.

[Wrao]

It's kinda surprising it works, wouldn't the mail carrier be like "um... tape?"

[murbot]

I know, I was pretty surprised the first time... less so the 5th time.

My next experiment will be a small 5" square box full of pebbles.

[onlyafterdark]

Thats great. Ill have to remember that one.

[johnq]

You're entering the "suspicious package" scenario real quick. Don't be stupid unless you really like SWAT teams and really hate your current front door.

[curiousuburb]

send them a kitchen sink

"now we must have received everything... I can retire"

[LoCash]

Originally Posted by johnq You're entering the "suspicious package" scenario real quick. Don't be stupid unless you really like SWAT teams and really hate your current front door.

nah, he lives in Canada.

[InactionMan]

Yeah, what LoCash said. Over Christmas I saw a women use those malted chocolate balls instead of styrofoam for her kids care package. She asked the postal worker if she was allowed to do it and she said they didn't have a policy against it.

[Kickaha]

Dude, you're in Canada.

Tape the postage mark on a moose's ass, herd it into the nearest post office, and let them deal with it.

[johnq]

Oh I missed that. Funny. Canada doesn't care if you steal MP3s, I guess abusing postage isn't a biggie?

[Akumulator]

Pretty funny, Murbot.

Here's some more postal experiments.

[nomorewindows]

Originally Posted by murbot ----- Hi there! I just wanted to let you know that just because your job sucks total ass, it’s not the end of the world. Things have a way of working themselves out, so keep your chin up. Unless the slave drivers in your sorting facility don’t like that kind of thing, that is. I usually just send these envelopes back empty to make the credit card companies pay the postage, but I thought I’d include a little note this time. Someone out there is trying to send you warm thoughts by like, telepathy or some shit. Maybe it’ll work and you won’t try to beat up your supervisor today. Have a great day, try and lay off the booze tonight, and if your husband wants to fool around a little, please do it. Men have it so hard these days, and if women would just put out a little more, the world really would be a better place. Take care. -----

Murbot, quit your job, whatever it is, and write screen plays. You are so f*&king funny. I'm serious. I can see Nicolas Cage playing you. You must have a brilliantly sick mind. Do they allow you internet access in Canandian prisons?

[billybobsky]

murbot... you dual posting traitor... die a horrible inuit death...

[murbot]

I felt bad for not posting there in a couple of months, really.

Plus I wanted a larger audience for suggestions. And so far not a GODDAMNED ONE from either place!

[billybobsky]

Here goes:

Dear Ms. Letter Opener,
As no woman in their right mind would do such a soul crushing job if they were hitched, I am forced, nay divinely inspired, to assume that you are without children and what's worse without a man. The world would be a better place if you went out tonight, got drunk at the local watering hole, found the most unattractive person in the house (as he's the only one who would touch a person such as you), screwed him until he's bleeding, held up your legs to make sure his man goo finds its way to the back of your cold, dry, womanhood, and repeat until you have at least three children with him.

(ok, had to stop here to play with my new ipod shuffle...)

[drewprops]

Hey, do the WIRED magazine thing! Send them a printout of this thread glued to a piece of plywood, paid for with lots of those fake stampy things.

Also, that is very bad and against the law and you should not do anything that I just said even if I really meant it and wrote this second sentence just to cover my ass.

[onlyafterdark]

Wholy cow. I dont know about you, but that letter would make my day. Yikes.

[murbot]

I wonder what the odds are.

Hmmmmm.

[Paul]

FINGERPRINTS!!!
ever been arrested murbot?

[murbot]

Well, I did have to take a polygraph once... but I was never fingerprinted.

[HHogan]

Whoa, your thumb is bending back pretty far

[murbot]

Yeah. It even starred in its own movie last year.

[Paul]

I see we have a few double-jointed people here...
can you dislocate it as well? I can with my right but my left thumb always pops back in...

How far back do "normal" thumbs go?

[HHogan]

I'm double jointed, but in the main joint of the thumb and every other finger on both my hands.

Even weirder is I can pop my hip, its double jointed as well.

But I've ever never seen someone double jointed in the top of their thumb.

[murbot]

It's not actually double jointed, it just bends back freely to that point. Most people I know can only bend their thumbs back just slightly past straight.

[HHogan]

Do you still have those pictures of your harddrive gag ?

[Milkman]

Originally Posted by HHogan Do you still have those pictures of your harddrive gag ?

Was that the one with the microwave?

[HHogan]

Microwave, air compressor, dremel, among many other tools