[Wickers]

I just don't know what to say...

I am interested in dating this girl, she is shy, I am too but not as much as her.
That sums it up....

Now for the gory details:

Last Friday I went to my old high school's music presentation. I went to see a bunch of my friends preform and they did an average job at doing so. During the senior band's set, the instructor told the audience that they were encouraged to dance if they wanted...

At first I didn't care. I really did not feel like dancing, mostly because I am not the dancing type. (see: white male) Anyhow, that changed when I spotted Kathy, a timid, shy, and very cute girl. We had talked before when I attended this high school but only a few times and hardly venturing past school related subjects. I jumped out of my seat and quickly asked her to dance....

She and I strolled down to the dance floor... the beat was slow.... and I was completely out of time with the song. We chatted wile in the standard slow dancing stance. It made me want to see more of her. So after the show I asked her if she would like to join me and a few friends at a local park party.

At first I thought she blew me off because while walking past a group of her friends and her, one made a point of saying "So you're hanging with me tonight, right?". It sounded deliberate so I brushed it off and decided to forget the whole ordeal. To my surprise, after arriving at the park party she was there. She apologized to me, saying that she did not know what was going on. I assume she was referring to what her friend said but I never clarified that with her. I was a little stunned that she said that she was sorry. I mean, how often does that happen .

Moving on, we spent the entire night talking at the park, things were going well as far as I could tell. It was just us, one on one, and separated from everyone else. We chatted about different things, I hit on her a bit, and gave her a massage. The entire night I was very nervous, and when I get nervous I get talkative -- pointless chatter and comments mostly but very random, and edgy. I was nervous because I had to do most of the talking, for she is shy. We then walked home with two other people, we live about five minutes away from each other so this was convenient.

All is good right? No, I forgot to get contact information! D'oh! But this was not that much of a problem, I do visit her school often so I could just "run into" her again.

The following Monday, I dropped by her school to see some of my friends... she was sitting right across the street from the subway station on a field of grass with a hand full of her friends. After meeting up with my friends, I took the time to walk over and say hi. I said a few words, then asked if she wanted to grab a coffee with me sometime. Today, a few days later, was the coffee plans that we made.

She was late meeting me, I did not care this time but generally I don't like it when people are late. We walked to the local Timmies, and neither of us got coffee. We then headed down to a local park to chat. I forced myself to act normal and calm. We chatted for about an hour an a half and it went well as far as I knew. I told her that I would like to get to know her better, and spend more time together, nothing binding just people finding out more about each other. She did not really comment that much about this. Walking her home, I asked if she would like to attend my fondue parry this coming week, she declined for school related reasons. I then opted for another coffee arraignment and she said that she did not know. (and I have taken that as a negative thing) EDIT: Oh yah, forgot to add: I asked her for contact information and she gave me her phone number, MSN contact, and email. I told her that I would get in contact with her within a few days, she smiled.

I just got home from seeing her now....

Some problems that might effect the situation:

One of her best friends is one of my ex'es. At first I thought this might be an obstacle, but I later dismissed it telling her that I am only looking forward and have left the past behind. Thinking back now, my ex just might be a problem after all. I would not be surprised if she gets or has gotten some bad press from my ex and other friends about me. This would anger me, for she (my ex), does not know me that well so her comments would be a half truth at best.

I can't tell if she is interested and shy or not interested and shy. Either way she is shy and this is confusing me greatly because I am used to dating outgoing girls that are easy to emotionally gage. This is why I feel like pulling my hair out, (see: title) over just two encounters with this girl.


I really want to get to know her better... I feel if I do she will be more open around me. Then maybe I could see if something more could become of it. But I would be just as happy with her being just a friend, she is neat and interesting to talk to. But at this point I am stumped... 1 part of me feels like I am wasting my time based on the way she is acting, the other part dismisses that as her being really shy and thinks I should do whatever I can to continue with this... I have talked to one of our mutual friends and she thinks that I have a good chance but to take it slow because she is really shy (duh).

I'm gonna pour myself a drink.

-\/\/ickes

[InactionMan]

Two things.

First: Park Parties fecking Rule! I have fond memories of getting hammered in Serena Gundy Park all throughout High School. And various other parks throughout Toronto, but mainly that one.

Second: Shy girls are impossible to read. That she gave you numerous ways to contact her is a good thing. You'll probably have to spell it out for her, if you don't she keep being coy.

Wait, Thirdly: I've been with the same girl for 6 years. My advice is outdated. I don't know anything about girls anymore.

[k squared]

InactionMan has a good point: be up front with her, tell her you like her, and ask her out on a date. It doesn't have to be at night, perhaps a weekend lunch or something cultural so there is less pressure.

[Wickers]

Originally Posted by InactionMan First: Park Parties fecking Rule! I have fond memories of getting hammered in Serena Gundy Park all throughout High School. And various other parks throughout Toronto, but mainly that one.

Agreed!

The party posted above was Riverdale just south of Broadview and Danfoth. Also of note is the Brickworks, a hidden park in the Rosedale/DVP area, and the "secret" beach just past the water plant (but lately it has been unsafe). I love park parties during the warm months!

Originally Posted by InactionMan Second: Shy girls are impossible to read. That she gave you numerous ways to contact her is a good thing. You'll probably have to spell it out for her, if you don't she keep being coy.

I kinda did spell it out. . . The first encounter I told her that I thought she was really cute and she must have been blushing for ten minutes after that comment. The second encounter, I told her that I thought she was really neat and I'd really like to get to know her better.

Err.. ok so I did not say "I wanna date you" but this because one of her good friends told me to take it slow, for she does not like to be "pounced" on.

Originally Posted by InactionMan Wait, Thirdly: I've been with the same girl for 6 years. My advice is outdated. I don't know anything about girls anymore.

That's no good... you'll hit the ground hard if cut off. But I have faith in you, think of it as "just like riding a bike".
It sounds like you have somthing stable, so just keep it that way.

[InactionMan]

You ever run into cult members in the park? We always ran into this bizarre group of weird dudes dressed like druids that seemed nice enough but the next day there would always be reports of dead cats strung up around park. I guess they weren't so nice.

And yeah...spell it out in no uncertain terms. When her friends say she doesn't like guys that "pounce" on her it means it freaks her out when people show serious affection for her not that she doesn't like aggresive guys. It probably makes her really uncomfortable.

Yeah....stable is nice. I won't fuck this one up.

[Wickers]

No, I can't say I have run into cult members... we often have to intermingle with thugs who also desided to have a party at the same park, but they are friendly and harmless. Most of the time the thugs get into fights with eachother... providing us with great entertainment. They seldom bother us and often enjoy the extra people. And by thugs I mean a bunch of white high school boys who drink and act urban. (some thug girls too, but they don't do anything for me)

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by k squared InactionMan has a good point: be up front with her, tell her you like her, and ask her out on a date. It doesn't have to be at night, perhaps a weekend lunch or something cultural so there is less pressure.

Hey Wickes, k squared has given great advice. A weekend lunch, so you don't have her worrying about whether you're gonna jump her bones. Let her know ahead of time that you'll be taking her home by 3:00 pm. I think knowing that will allow her to relax, enjoy herself, and open up a little.

Here's what I would advise: whatever you do, DON'T get physical with her at ALL for the first three dates.....maybe even four dates. Don't even hug her, or hold her hand. I think she will be amazed at your politeness and restraint.

What *might* happen is that SHE might get physical first. heh. 'That' would be cool, don't you think? Just let 'her' make any physical advances, and don't push it beyond what 'she' does. Just smile warmly into her eyes.

This psychology *might* work. She sounds like she has had some bad experiences with guys trying to get into her pants in the first ten minutes. She's scared. If you really want to try to have a relationship with this girl, just don't make ANY moves at all beyond what 'she' does. If you wait long enough, I think she'll know she can trust you as a gentleman....and maybe then she'll want to jump 'your' bones. Good luck.

Carol

[alcimedes]

besides, once she tries to get into your pants, you have all the hand. then you get to make all the rules.

[k squared]

Originally Posted by \/\/ickes Agreed! The second encounter, I told her that I thought she was really neat and I'd really like to get to know her better.

You told her she was 'neat'?! So that's the pick up line people are using today? I'll have to try it out this weekend.

Back on topic: the key is just to make her comfortable around you; but be up front with her or else you're headed for the friendship route.

[HOM]

Take her to a concert that you recently bought tickets for.

[Wickers]

Originally Posted by HOM Take her to a concert that you recently bought tickets for.

She's not into Ska.

[Wickers]

Originally Posted by k squared You told her she was 'neat'?! So that's the pick up line people are using today? I'll have to try it out this weekend. Back on topic: the key is just to make her comfortable around you; but be up front with her or else you're headed for the friendship route.

Hey, that's just the way I tell people that I like them. . .


"neat" for me means that I find the person very dateable. Worthy of the effort it requires do so.

"like" means that the person is on my mind a lot, and just by them walking into the same room as me can make my heart skip a beat.

"love" well I don't know, I don't think I have ever been in love. I have loved people before, but I have never been in love with someone.

[Argento]

Say "you're hot I want you, lets make babies."

It's helpful if you've had a nutrigain bar before hand.

[Barto]

Babies Everywhere!

[Wickers]

Err.... right.... yah I'll be sure to do that.

[SledgeHammer]

Let us know how things turn out.

OT: That Nutrigrain "ad" is awesome.

[Maciej]

Quite the situation. I recently broke it off with my girlfriend of 2 years, and from all things remebered, everything started out in a similar manner to your situation. She was very shy and still is, doesn't say much to people except the closes friends. The first time I asked her out I was shut down very quickly, hurt, what not. Afterwards she started to express more and more interest and under a close friends (her's) advice I asked her out again. Things were great, but since we are both going to college now, and I've been meeting alot of new people, we drifted apart and eventually broke up. I'm not sure how young/old your situation is, but the bottom line of my advice is not to rush it, rather sit on it, then maybe do something.

Good Luck.

[Crusader]

Hey \/\/ickes, how removed from HS are ya? A year?

I have the same problem with words too (yea, ok that doesn't make sense). When someone is "hot" they are attractive, and I would tap that. If someone is "cute" it means they have something special. They are rare, and are meant to be cherished, like hot but um, hotter. Someone that you know you want to date the instant you see her/him.

Anywho... I lost my point somewhere...

[BurningWheel]

she like's you. she gave you 3 ways to contact her. i tried and tried to date this once, i think she was shy but i don't know for sure since i only ran into once in a while. she gave me here number, we never went out, but then again she was coming off a long term relationship. finally a gave up. then a few months later i heard she was dating someone else...

[Wickers]

Well I have been thinking it over and I feel that I have taken the wrong approach with this one. I should have just taken it as it came... I put far to much thought into making this work when I should have been just having fun. I'm gonna chat with her for a bit and just try to be friendly, then later on down the road if things are smooth I will see about taking it further. Right now is not the time for me to get into a relationship anyway.

I will post here if something happens.

Thanks for the good advice.

[low-fi]

I suspect that she 'digs' you Wickes. Put I'll in my hints, for what they are worth.

I was in a similar situation as you - girl I was going for coffee with wasn't sure about whether we should date. However, there was a situation after coffee, I cooked her dinner: she had a shitty day, so it seemed like a cool thing to do after the coffee. Anyway, walked her back, had cup of tea at hers, and made a movement to go. This is tuesday. At the doorway, tension running really high. I say good bye and walk off.

We get together the following friday over a few beers. A couple of weeks later she asks, "You know that Tuesday when you were leaving, why didn't you kiss me?". My reasoning is as per Carol's, in that I wanted to seem like the respectable English Gentleman (I am!), and so she could make the first move. It all paid off - she made the first move too

In your situation, don't push it. If things are meant to be, then it will all happen, and fall into place.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by low-fi Anyway, walked her back, had cup of tea at hers, and made a movement to go. This is tuesday. At the doorway, tension running really high. I say good bye and walk off.

JUST the right move - with the tension running high, you didn't even kiss her goodnight. heh. You certainly gave her something to think about. Excellent strategy.

We get together the following friday over a few beers. A couple of weeks later she asks, "You know that Tuesday when you were leaving, why didn't you kiss me?". My reasoning is as per Carol's, in that I wanted to seem like the respectable English Gentleman (I am!), and so she could make the first move. It all paid off - she made the first move too

I love this. See, Wickes, what'd I tell ya? He played it perfectly cool and non-aggressive. Let her sweat it out. hahaha She thinks about it for a few *WEEKS* - because he has not pushed her into anything. He resists getting physical, until VOILA!!! - She can't stand it anymore, and SHE makes the first move. What'd I tell ya??? heh.

Thanks for your comments, low-fi. Might not work for every girl, but it's pretty good strategy for most of us.

(Even for those of us who *aren't* shy... )

[Messiahtosh]

A very Messiahtosh-like thread.

[Wickers]

Originally Posted by Messiahtosh A very Messiahtosh-like thread.

And you are insulting me why?

[low-fi]

Originally Posted by Carol JUST the right move - with the tension running high, you didn't even kiss her goodnight. heh. You certainly gave her something to think about. Excellent strategy. I love this. See, Wickes, what'd I tell ya? He played it perfectly cool and non-aggressive. Let her sweat it out. hahaha She thinks about it for a few *WEEKS* - because he has not pushed her into anything. He resists getting physical, until VOILA!!! - She can't stand it anymore, and SHE makes the first move. What'd I tell ya??? heh. Thanks for your comments, low-fi. Might not work for every girl, but it's pretty good strategy for most of us. (Even for those of us who *aren't* shy... )

:blushes:

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Messiahtosh A very Messiahtosh-like thread.

Hi Chris -

Have you graduated yet? If so congratulations! If not, congrats soon.

I have two more days with students. This is an exceedingly stressful time for teachers. Everything has to be finished all at once. Got my grades in the computer an hour ago. At least I wasn't there till 11:00 pm, as I sometimes am.

Yeah, this *IS* a Messiahtosh-like thread. heh. Hope things are going well for you.

Carol

[Wickers]

Ok, well I am going to forget the Messiahtosh-like comment....


Anyway, here is an update to the story...

After almost a week of non-communication, I finally got a chance to talk to her again over MSN. We have been just lightly chatting, all is well. Taking things really slow, and I plan on using some of the advice posted in this thread... but just not the one about making babies.

Thanks for the shoulder guys!

Edit:

ACK!! she is a vegetarian!

[eventhorizon]

Use that vegetarian business to your advantage. Offer her a protein shake.

[DMBand0026]

Dump her.

Veggies = bad news



Nice work on the talking to her thing, nothing less than the best from you Wickes.

Good luck with her, girls suck.

<ducks as Carol's backhand comes at his head>

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by DMBand0026 Dump her. Veggies = bad news Nice work on the talking to her thing, nothing less than the best from you Wickes. Good luck with her, girls suck. <ducks as Carol's backhand comes at his head>

I could *never* smack you around, DMBand.

A fellow Leo? Not in a million years! haha

(You = Aug. 10; Me = Aug. 11 )

Plus, firefighters are my heroes.