[Quagmire]

Well I have been feeling down for the past couple of weeks. Guess it has to do with my social life or the existence of one. hehe. I am really selective about my friends and some how I fail to notice how I do form them. It is also have to do with I can't even talk to the girl I like. She probably knows my name and thats it. Can't really make contact with her and I feel she is lost to me and might as well find another. Don't want to get deep into that. Back to the friends thing, when I go back to see how these friendships started I can only remember one. The person who switched me to Mac. Well, I looked up my old depressed thread the advice was great but, not working. Guess this is life as a teenager?

[LoCash]

Take up a hobby you can do socially with others, like drinking. I've made many a friend that way, including the sidewalk and numerous walls.

[ironlung]

heh LoCash i second that...and be sure to joing a frat when u go to college..

[Quagmire]

For people who don't know..... I am 15. Kinda underage you know. Jack, nice try to introduce drugs to me.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Undertaker Well I have been feeling down for the past couple of weeks. Guess it has to do with my social life or the existence of one. hehe. I am really selective about my friends and some how I fail to notice how I do form them. It is also have to do with I can't even talk to the girl I like. She probably knows my name and thats it. Can't really make contact with her and I feel she is lost to me and might as well find another. Don't want to get deep into that. Back to the friends thing, when I go back to see how these friendships started I can only remember one. The person who switched me to Mac. Well, I looked up my old depressed thread the advice was great but, not working. Guess this is life as a teenager?

Dear Quag,
Hey, I was just telling Kickaha a few days ago how much I missed you, and I wondered how you were doing. I told him what a great person I thought you were. Ask him if you want, if you don't believe me.

You're a freshman, right? The life of freshman males is seldom great. The freshman girls are generally dazzled by the older guys on campus. And many older guys seek out freshman girls, because they love that adulation (not surprising).

So, you don't have long to wait, and guess what? You'll be a sophomore! Ta-daaa! AND...there will be incoming freshman girls who may cast an eye in your direction. You will older, wiser, more experienced...maybe even taller.

Surely your school has dances? The freshman girls will go to these dances. Learn to dance this summer, if you haven't done so by now. (Practice with your mom. Do it!) Ask a different girl to dance every single dance ...or at least the slow dances, if you're not up to the fast ones. If a girl says 'no', don't take it personally. She might just be trying to stay available to some 'particular' guy that she has a crush on (who will probably *never* ask her to dance, because so many guys are chicken when it comes to asking girls to dance. Believe me, this is an age-old problem.)

The girl you like...is she involved with someone else right now? Is she in one of your classes?

Being selective about friends is a good idea. You do seem shy, Quag, which many people are. In the past, when I've done goal-setting with my students, overcoming shyness was actually one of the goals I used as an example on the board. We set up "overcoming shyness" as a short-term goal, say over three months. The first step would be something you could start doing immediately, like smiling and saying 'Hi' to people in the hallways. The second step might be to start talking to people when you're standing in the lunch line. The third step might be to talk to someone at the lunch table. These three steps could be spread out over three weeks, so you'd work on doing step one for the first week, and so forth. I don't know who said it, but it's true: "The longest journey starts with a single step."

I see shyness as something you could work on, Quag. A TON of people are shy, especially in high school, especially freshmen, especially freshman males. So you shouldn't feel alone in your shyness. The tendency toward shyness is actually an inherited trait; but a lot of people inherit that tendency, and it's something they'll all have to work on. Each of us has stuff we have to work on. It *can* be done. It *has* been done. YOU can do it. Then, when the time is right, it will be easy for you to smile and say 'hi' to that girl you like. Like *anything else*, it takes practice. Like shooting free-throws. If you practice enough, you'll get better at it, and then good at it.

Okay? Any of this make sense?

Love,

Carol

[nomorewindows]

Go with the paid friend--a therapist. Works for me. No kidding. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is unbiased and hopefully, not full of shit. THEN when you're old enough and hopefully got your head on straight DRINK!

Seriously, hang in there and do seek help if you feel like this much longer. And don't pay attention to any bullshit you read on this forum. People just like to defuse a situation with humor.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by LoCash Take up a hobby you can do socially with others, like drinking. I've made many a friend that way, including the sidewalk and numerous walls.

haha. I can picture this *so* easily, LoCash.

I do remember a brief, yet close, relationship I once had with a sidewalk.

(Sounds like you've gotten some sleep? Yes?)

[alcimedes]

dunno, there's nothing wrong with being selective in who you hang out with.

are you depressed because you want to do stuff with people and you don't really have anyone who fits the bill, or do you feel like you should want to do stuff with people but you're not internally motivated to seek them out?

what you want and what TV etc. project as typical freshman life style can be two completely different things. do what you want, fuck the rest.

[torifile]

Sounds like you've got some social anxiety going on. If it's really bad, see a therapist. Whatever you do, avoid medication at this point in your life. Anti-anxiety meds have been implicated in some suicides in people your age. Not that I necessarily believe it, but you can't be too safe. Besides, I'm generally an anti-medication therapist, unless you try therapy and it doesn't work.

[ast3r3x]

I'm a shy person too...well it's more that I'm a quiet person and am annoyed easily so I want to NOT be like the people that annoy me so easily.

One of the things that I've read before which is really neat to think about is that people probably don't see in other people what you see. You shouldn't assume that your views of someone is how another person views them. Of course when I read it, it was worded a little fancier, but I think the message is still the same.

I guess it's just my personality type, but I am pretty fine to be by myself at home. I know some people get depressed if they can't be in social situations...seems so weird to me. Then again the test I took said I was like 22 points for thinking and 4 for love. Not exactly the BEST outlook

[Quagmire]

Carol,

I was especially waiting for your reply since you are very detailed in help. Well for me I see school dances as kind of useless unless you know the girl will go with you. So I see it as a waste of money to go and just stand around being lonely there. Sure, I may not be alone but, don't want to. I do not know if the girl is taken that I like. Some signs do some signs don't. Getting over my shyness will be 200x harder as losing the 45 lbs that I did that got me my shiny Powerbook last year. What really goes through my mind is sometimes my neighbors ask me who I have a crush on. I battle myself asking will it be better for them to of speak that I love her or be bad? I see it as bad since she will see it as I am scared to do stuff. So I just put my head down like normal and wait for a different subject. I also tend to listen and analyze my dreams with her in it. Sounds weird of course but, I believe dreams happen for a reason. Rather to tell you something will happen or might happen according to what you do with the situation. So right now some say taken and others which use some adult stuff to tell that she isn't and I get her. What is really amazing is how I changed from young to now. I use to be open and talkative with girls and crap. Then now I am just a box with only letting a few in. To get off the crush topic, I do not know why but, one of the forums I hang out at is giving me bad feelings. Don't know if it is an, ai, mr, or techimo a PC site.

[Maciej]

AhhhH! Don't join a frat! - Ever. Thats perhaps the easiest way to close down your social life, depending on which school you go to. I suggest getting away from the computer, that'll do it.

You're probably depressed because its winter, it happens to me, but I have a g.f. to turn to so its a little easier, that and a number of friends that get depressed cause of the winter so theres someone to talk to. Being a freshman really really sucks too, but don't worry things get much better once you turn 16.

[billybobsky]

All this advice is bull. Don't trust Carol (I am sorry), her goal here is to make you into the type of angst ridden teenager who will be the introspective twenty-something who is utterly under the control of women (I know I was/am one of them). You WILL look back upon this time of your life as a social wasteland -- idiotic significance added to any of your interactions with girls. Listen, nothing matters at this stage. Embarrassment is all in your head and none of it travels with you to college or even later. Be nice (internally and externally), play nice, use a condom if you fuck anyone. Go up to the girl and ask her to go to dinner on Saturday. Do it tomorrow. Fuck movies. Fuck high school dating standards. Dinner gives you the chance to talk and get to figure out if she isn't simply hot; don't expect to be thrilled, you won't be.

As for friends, I can tell you where I met every single one. I have a near photographic memory, though. Friends are only human. They change. They aren't essential to your existence; but they are nice to have around. It is better to have friends that you don't need to hang with all the time to maintain the friendship. It is next to impossible to find people like that -- again don't expect to be thrilled. Just don't put significance on anything, again.

Life is a joke in high school.

[billybobsky]

Originally Posted by Undertaker Carol, I was especially waiting for your reply since you are very detailed in help. Well for me I see school dances as kind of useless unless you know the girl will go with you. So I see it as a waste of money to go and just stand around being lonely there. Sure, I may not be alone but, don't want to. I do not know if the girl is taken that I like. Some signs do some signs don't. Getting over my shyness will be 200x harder as losing the 45 lbs that I did that got me my shiny Powerbook last year. What really goes through my mind is sometimes my neighbors ask me who I have a crush on. I battle myself asking will it be better for them to of speak that I love her or be bad? I see it as bad since she will see it as I am scared to do stuff. So I just put my head down like normal and wait for a different subject. I also tend to listen and analyze my dreams with her in it. Sounds weird of course but, I believe dreams happen for a reason. Rather to tell you something will happen or might happen according to what you do with the situation. So right now some say taken and others which use some adult stuff to tell that she isn't and I get her. What is really amazing is how I changed from young to now. I use to be open and talkative with girls and crap. Then now I am just a box with only letting a few in. To get off the crush topic, I do not know why but, one of the forums I hang out at is giving me bad feelings. Don't know if it is an, ai, mr, or techimo a PC site.

It ain't love kid. It's obsession. I also had one of those. I wrote long notes and sent them. It was frightening -- I went back and read them at the end of high school, and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I was my parent. It turns out she was not as bright as I thought she was -- contrary to everything I felt at the time. Hell, I thought the same thing about this girl I cheated on my ex with last year. That was a bad mistake. Getting to the point at which you can sit down and talk to women, flirt and figure out if they are worth your time is a far better use of time than moping around wondering if you are going to get rejected -- it doesn't matter if you do.

[autodata]

Originally Posted by Undertaker Guess this is life as a teenager?

Yup.

It's rough because at your age it's hard to know what's out there.

I highly recommend reading Paul Graham's What You'll Wish You'd Known. He breaks it down pretty nicely.

On the social side, when I look back it's clear that the happiest people were always the ones who were on their own shit. Everybody in high school is looking for something to be about and everyone is learning about adult life for the first time. Stay one step ahead of everyone. It doesn't even matter what you are into because the key is being into something that interests you. That's what builds confidence. And when people see you confidently involved in something, they'll want to know what's up. Not everyone, mind you, because as pointed out in the essay above:

Adults care just as much what other people think, but they get to be more selective about the other people. I have about thirty friends whose opinions I care about, and the opinion of the rest of the world barely affects me. The problem in high school is that your peers are chosen for you by accidents of age and geography, rather than by you based on respect for their judgement.

[Quagmire]

Originally Posted by billybobsky It ain't love kid. It's obsession. I also had one of those. I wrote long notes and sent them. It was frightening -- I went back and read them at the end of high school, and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I was my parent. It turns out she was not as bright as I thought she was -- contrary to everything I felt at the time. Hell, I thought the same thing about this girl I cheated on my ex with last year. That was a bad mistake. Getting to the point at which you can sit down and talk to women, flirt and figure out if they are worth your time is a far better use of time than moping around wondering if you are going to get rejected -- it doesn't matter if you do.

Sure I am obessing. But, at the time right now she is the only one I am attracted to. Sure, there might be hotter and more intellegent girls in my school. I have no problem of being rejected. I will move on. Problem is giving up my shyness.

[billybobsky]

The shyness is because of your attachment of significance to asking her out. It doesn't mean anything. Walk up to her (no emails, phone calls, or notes) after whatever class you have with her, and say: "______, would you like to go out on saturday, I was thinking dinner at _______."

Easy enough, right?

[autodata]

Originally Posted by Undertaker I love her

We all have girls like that when we are young. It's hormones. But here's a not-so-secret: you will be amazed at how much people change from the time they are in HS until the time they are in they early-mid 20s. People that were ugly losers are on top of the world. Girls you thought were hot shit geniuses sometimes turn out to be total airheads when they get older.

That said, enjoy this fact that you are infatuated with this girl. But like billybobsky said, don't worry about being embarrassed. Everyone is. Some kids are just better at hiding it than others.

Learn to be a good, kind person, don't do anything that could get you seriously injured or killed (don't fool yourself, kids who do stupid shit often don't safely get away with it) and pick up a project.

Anyway, back to the girl, enjoy the fact that you like her, but the cold, hard fact is that some day, probably one very soon, you won't think she's all that great.

[Chinney]

It's only a portion of the larger picture, but I think that getting regular exercise can help improve a person's mood. I don't mean that as an answer to your other particular questions, but it can help generally.

[ironlung]

You need to be self confident. Confidence takes you a long way, not just with girls but in any social setting or your future workplace. Dont hesitate, if you like a girl you should pursue (but dont stalk). Rejection is part of life, some girls will just say no and dont take that to heart, especially at this age when girls and guys are superficial. I wish I could relive my teens again, I had great fun. 15 was an awkward age though.

Dont take shoewax's advice, do join a fraternity if you can. Some fraternities do follow the stereotype, most dont. I am in a frat even though I was completely against joining one freshmen year of college. The networking opportunities are tremendous. The friends that I have made I know will stay friends for a long time to come. It doesnt inhibit your social life, on the contrary it does the opposite. You'll meet people and see things u wouldnt otherwise. I dont regret it a bit.

[autodata]

Originally Posted by Chinney It's only a portion of the larger picture, but I think that getting regular exercise can help.

^^^^+++

Regularly exercising was the best thing I ever did for my mental health and mood.

Also, I was lucky that I realized early on the value of taking chances. I just assumed that I would screw up the first couple times (and often did), but after that it was very, very easy to become very comfortable with it and highly skilled. I've applied this to everything, from girls to concert promotion, and in all situations it has ultimately led to continued success.

[Zodiac]

Teenage problems? I'm not as bad as you (yet) but I'll list some.

Weight Fluctuations- Ever since I was about 11 or so, my body fat has fluctuated quite a bit. It goes up and down. Currently, it is going down and I like it that way.

Body Misproportion- I'm 5 foot 7 with size 12 feet. It's a little odd....

Nighthogging- I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow. Oh well. I'm still staying up.

Acne- I don't have serious problems, but tiny little zits are forming on my cheeks.

Shyness- I'm in the same boat as you. (Kinda) Being in a group full of premature idiots that I have nothing in common with doesn't help. I've been told to NOT speak of my friends that way before, but I really am dissapointed in them right now.

Mood- Easily shaken. Results can be good or bad.

I'd make a more detailed reply, but I really have to get some homework done. XP

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Undertaker Carol, I was especially waiting for your reply since you are very detailed in help. Well for me I see school dances as kind of useless unless you know the girl will go with you. So I see it as a waste of money to go and just stand around being lonely there.

I can pretty much guarantee that there are plenty of girls at those dances who would very much like to dance. You could ask a series of them to dance, and think of it as practice in overcoming shyness.

I do not know if the girl is taken that I like. Some signs do some signs don't. Getting over my shyness will be 200x harder as losing the 45 lbs that I did that got me my shiny Powerbook last year. What really goes through my mind is sometimes my neighbors ask me who I have a crush on. I battle myself asking will it be better for them to of speak that I love her or be bad? I see it as bad since she will see it as I am scared to do stuff. So I just put my head down like normal and wait for a different subject.

I tend to agree. I don't think mentioning that you have a crush on her would be such a great idea. You didn't say whether you had a class with her. I think it's wise to start off just by smiling and saying 'hi' to her in the hallways. If you do that enough, that's good start. A smile can be an important preliminary means of communication. And it's not like you're asking her for a life-long commitment, or anything like that.

I also tend to listen and analyze my dreams with her in it. Sounds weird of course but, I believe dreams happen for a reason. Rather to tell you something will happen or might happen according to what you do with the situation. So right now some say taken and others which use some adult stuff to tell that she isn't and I get her.

Okay, another thing you could do is what world-class athletes do: visualization. That's almost a form of dreaming - more like daydreaming. But it is an actual tool that works. I know, because I tried it once wrt basketball. I kept visualizing certain moves, over and over. And when I played one-on-one with a certain *tall* friend, my fakes worked like a charm. heh.

You could think up a likely scenario of talking to or interacting with this girl. Then visualize it in your mind, with exact details, just the way you'd like the interaction to go. It *can* work, Quag. What happens is that with the visualization, you are actually creating "experience" pathways in your brain.

Like when people drive down a certain road that they normally take to work, and though it's Saturday, they automatically turn down the street toward work, even though that's *not* where they're intending to go at the moment. The brain has that strong "habit" pathway, and the body automatically makes the turn. Well, a 'habit' pathway can be created purposely, by means of mental visualization. Do you see what I mean?

I don't think I'm explaining this too well, but it really can work. I've tried it with other stuff besides basketball, like when I've had to do a presentation before the faculty, or speak before a group of parents. Scary stuff like that.

What is really amazing is how I changed from young to now. I use to be open and talkative with girls and crap. Then now I am just a box with only letting a few in.

If you used to be open and talkative, that's a really good sign, because I think that's how you are naturally. I think you are going through a tough time right now, Quag, and your natural spontaneity is being repressed. Is there any club or activity at school that you could join? You really need to be involved in something that will get your mind on other things. Is there a chess club, perhaps? Or maybe you could talk to the media center and volunteer to help with computer or Audio-visual stuff. I know we generally have a few guys at my jr. high who help with all that stuff. Those kids are worth their weight in gold to some of the teachers and the media center person. Honestly, I can't stress that enough.

Even through simple activities like that you can meet people and sort of break-out into the school community. Like I said before, being a freshman is tough. If only you can find some way to "get involved." Think about it, okay? I hate to say it, but girls can be notoriously fickle, and are not necessarily a good place to pin your hopes. Though when you do eventually find one you like, it can be great.

In the last month or so, I have gone through some really tough times, too, Quag. That's why I was gone from AN for so long. I just had so many problems coming at me all at once, that I felt overwhelmed and extremely anxious. But I've been trying to take one thing at a time, and have avoided thinking about how many difficulties I was/am facing, because all that made me feel was despair, and sent me on a downward spiral.

To get off the crush topic, I do not know why but, one of the forums I hang out at is giving me bad feelings. Don't know if it is an, ai, mr, or techimo a PC site.

Messageboards can be a real downer sometimes. I used to have some tough times at AI, but I don't go there much anymore. AN is a much more positive place.

I hope at least one thing I have said helps, Quag. Sometimes, one thing is all it takes. Find someway to get involved at school. I think doing that will help with everything else. Okay?

*hug*

[Wrao]

Broke up with my girlfriend this weekend. That's a bummer.

[Quagmire]

Thanks for the advice so far. Good night for now! Keep them coming.

[LoCash]

We all have that one girl when we are younger. Sometimes it is multiple girls that we think we love and connect with, but it takes that one relationship... that one, draining relationship to free you from all pre-misconceptions of dating and romance. We all have to learn the hard way, no matter how much advice we're given.

I still recommend alcohol. It helps.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by autodata ^^^^+++ Regularly exercising was the best thing I ever did for my mental health and mood. Also, I was lucky that I realized early on the value of taking chances. I just assumed that I would screw up the first couple times (and often did), but after that it was very, very easy to become very comfortable with it and highly skilled. I've applied this to everything, from girls to concert promotion, and in all situations it has ultimately led to continued success.

Hey, Quag, as Chinney and Autodata have said, regular exercise can *really* help with anyone's mood. That might be the best advice that has been given here.

Also a good point is what Autodata says about taking chances. Ask yourself, If I take that chance, what's the worst that could happen? Then, prepare your mind for dealing with 'the worst'. If you are prepared, you take the chance, and the worst 'does' happen, it won't seem like such a big thing, because you'll be ready to handle it. As he says, assume you'll screw up the first few times, and you very probably will, because 'any' of us would. But keep trying, and eventually it will become easier. This applies to pretty much everything in life.

That stuff I said about three steps toward becoming less shy... I didn't mean to imply that there would be only 'three' steps. There could be 7 or 8 steps, each one involving *gradually* increasing interaction with others... each step lasting at least a week, but generally continuing on as you add each subsequent step. Hope that clarification makes sense.

LoCash makes a good point, too. We all have to learn this stuff the hard way. Unfortunate, but true. It's just the way life is, and there's no getting around it. But I hope you will feel comforted by the fact that we're *all* in the same boat at one time or another. It may not seem that way when you look around at others, but it's true nonetheless. You can take our word for it.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by LoCash We all have that one girl when we are younger. Sometimes it is multiple girls that we think we love and connect with, but it takes that one relationship... that one, draining relationship to free you from all pre-misconceptions of dating and romance. We all have to learn the hard way, no matter how much advice we're given. I still recommend alcohol. It helps.

LoCash, are you implying that romance is basically a myth?

Just wondering.

[Wrao]

Hey, I recorded a song about how I'm feeling with regards to breaking up with my girl. It's pretty fun actually, you can dance to it!

check it out if you want a laugh.
Song From L

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Wrao Hey, I recorded a song about how I'm feeling with regards to breaking up with my girl. It's pretty fun actually, you can dance to it! check it out if you want a laugh. Song From L

Nice music, Wrao. Sounds pretty cheerful to me. Sounds like you're definitely ready to move on.