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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
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Stallion
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Milwaukee
 
2011-03-04, 14:59

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
I fully expect Sprint to offer the iPhone 5. But:





Not. Gonna. Happen.

But you might be able to get an iPhone mini on Virgin Mobile's Beyond Talk, which is sorta the same thing, right? Just, y'know, with fewer minutes, and no roaming, and no device discount...
Why wouldn't it be on SERO, all of the other big phones are (Epic 4g, Evo 4g, the stupid dual screen disaster massive flop of a phone 4g, etc).

...and calling/e-mailing/texting ex-girlfriends on the off-chance they'll invite you over for some "old time's sake" no-strings couch gymnastics...
  quote
Partial
Stallion
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Milwaukee
 
2011-03-04, 15:02

Dear Apple,

Let me use frameworks on the iPhone. It is absolutely ridiculous that I have 3-4 projects that share a lot of code, yet I have to manage the resources (images, nibs, property files) independently for each project.

Maintaining these things separately for each project is not maintainable nor cost effective. Step your game up.

Sincerely,
Irritated Apple Developer

...and calling/e-mailing/texting ex-girlfriends on the off-chance they'll invite you over for some "old time's sake" no-strings couch gymnastics...
  quote
Wyatt
On twitter: @bwyatt
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Near Indianapolis
 
2011-03-04, 15:13

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brad View Post


The new guy is actually a coworker of mine, Chris T.
Not someone pretending to be god? I am disappoint.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-03-15, 00:33

Dear my bad habit of dipping and/or melting cheese atop of chips that are already "blasted" with flavor powder and thus should theoretically not require cheese or dip:

I wish I could quit you.

But you are SO DELICIOUS.

xoxo Robo

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2011-03-15, 00:55

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
Dear my bad habit of dipping and/or melting cheese atop of chips that are already "blasted" with flavor powder and thus should theoretically not require cheese or dip:

I wish I could quit you.

But you are SO DELICIOUS.

xoxo Robo
I do this, too. WHY SO DELICIOUS??? Stupid chips. And their tastiness.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-03-20, 05:34

Dear Harmonix:

If your "Untitled Nintendo 3DS Project" is a trippy 3D sequel to your 2001 cult hit FreQuency, I will marry you.

Seriously, it's a perfect fit. For your first 3DS project you should do something that's all about freaky pulsing visuals flying toward the screen. What else are you going to do, Rock Band DS again? Rock Band without instruments is basically just a way lame version of FreQuency anyway. And 2011 is the tenth anniversary of FreQuency, your first ever game. You should really do something for the occasion, no?

You should really come out with it, like, next week. It just seems sort of launch-title-y, like it could be the game everybody buys to see what the system can do, like Feel the Magic was for the DS's abysmal launch. And all the people with 3DSes will be a captive audience, because the only other launch game worth mentioning is Pilotwings and that's over in like two hours. The 3DS launch is just like the Kinect launch, right down to the weird pet sim, with one exception: it's missing the Harmonix game that makes it worth the expense. It's missing you, Harmonix.

You could throw something together in time, right?

Signed,

Probably everyone who played FreQuency, but definitely Robo

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Ryan
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Promise Land of Trustafarians
 
2011-03-26, 17:18

Maybe not...

Last edited by Ryan : 2011-03-27 at 01:10.
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Send a message via AIM to tomoe  
2011-03-26, 19:43

1)
Dear people who chew with their open mouth,

Were you raised by goddamn wolves? Close your fucking mouth when masticating. For the love of bog.

2)
Dear people with no good reason to take an elevator only 1, 2, or 3 floors,

Ugggh. Is walking a couple flights of stairs that strenuous? What is your malfunction?


love,
me

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
  quote
Ryan
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Promise Land of Trustafarians
 
2011-03-28, 09:33

Dear person sitting next to me in the library:

Turn down the (c)rap on your headphones. We can all hear it and everyone is glaring at you.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-03-28, 17:21

Dear you,

As I'm sure you know, the best food in the history of things you can eat is Chex Muddy Buddies, which is a chocolatey snack you can make, and also buy in cruelly Limited Edition bags around the holidays. The second best food is, of course, Bugles. But.

Using Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, or some other heretofore-unknown alchemy, General Mills has managed to combine Bugles and Chex Muddy Buddies. They have invented, yes, Bugles Muddy Buddies. Only they're just called Chocolate Peanut Butter Bugles. 'Cause that's how they roll.

I just ate like an entire bag of them, like, just now, as I was writing this. Once you start eating them it is simply impossible to stop, which makes them useful for setting traps or causing diversions. I am beginning to resent all other foods for not being Chocolate Peanut Butter Bugles.

They're the best $2 you'll ever spend, unless you found a prostitute that was $2 and also very talented and disease-free. And if you found such a prostitute, well, they were probably only doing it so they could buy some Chocolate Peanut Butter Bugles.

So go, right now, and do the same. The buying Bugles thing, not the prostitution thing. Unless you're really short on money, in which case you should maybe ask your prostitutee for more than two dollars.

Sincerely,
Robo

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
kscherer
The Ban Hammer
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boyzeee
 
2011-03-28, 18:50

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
ask your prostitutee for more than two dollars.
Such wonderfully high standards you have.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-03-28, 19:05

Uh...joke?
  quote
kscherer
The Ban Hammer
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boyzeee
 
2011-03-28, 19:52

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
Uh...joke?
To answer your question:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
sarcasm: A form of humor that is marked by bitter mockery, often using irony, and sometimes conveyed in speech with vocal over-emphasis.
What I failed to include was the which should have been in response to
Quote:
Originally Posted by billybobsky View Post
er... the interweb has a lot of them, just not following any standard rules:

:)

;)

???
....
:,(

etc.


actually I have a hypothesis: emoticons steal punctuation from normal text. The correlation of excessive emoticon use and lack of grammatically proper sentence structure is evidence for this.
Thus, do to my ineptitude, you failed to catch my humorous tone! Therefore, I shall repost it, now!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
ask your prostitutee for more than two dollars.

Such wonderfully high standards you have.


Now leave me alone. I'm trying to come up with another enthusiastic word for tomorrow.

- AppleNova is the best Mac-users forum on the internet. We are smart, educated, capable, and helpful. We are also loaded with smart-alecks! :)
- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Mat 5:9)
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-03-28, 20:16

Fine. I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers. All I'm saying is, I know I always ask my prostitutees for more than two dollars. You can ask them for less, if you want. But I think you're just leaving money on the table, there.

In my experience, people are willing to pay four, even five dollars for sex. Who knew? You can prostitute yourself just once and there you go, that's GarageBand. Or ten McNuggets!

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
kscherer
The Ban Hammer
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boyzeee
 
2011-03-28, 23:15

Suit yourself. But my standards are much higher than that. I work for beer.
  quote
Ryan
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Promise Land of Trustafarians
 
2011-04-18, 12:27

Dear Pandora:

How in the hell did you come to the conclusion that I would enjoy the Cowboy Bebop theme song? And did you do so *after* I had exhausted my allowed number of skips on purpose?

Well played, my friend.

The next battle shall be mine.
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2011-04-18, 17:25

Pandora had "Tank!"? Epic! <3 Cowboy Bebop.
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Send a message via AIM to tomoe  
2011-04-19, 14:36

Dear new guy in lab,

You're alright, but have some really annoying habits. First, I'm baffled how you can sit there for hours on end, day after day, gnawing on cuticles and hangnails. It's pretty gross. Do you not run out of skin to chew on? Second, at least twice today I've caught you picking your nose, rolling around the booger, and then putting it in your mouth. That's also fucking gross. You're Swiss, right? I thought you fuckers were (semi) civilized. Third, whatever it is going on with your computer, I doubt your angry little repeated hitting of keyboard keys, or muttering curses under your breath, helps anything. Sorry if I can't repress little chuckles, but shit like getting mad at inanimate objects humors me to no end.

love,
irascible guy who should probably just mind his own business

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
  quote
murbot
Mammogram Tech
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2011-04-19, 15:23

Dear Old Russian-looking Customer,

Dude. You have 4 eyebrow hairs on the right side that are about 1 1/2 inches long. I can't imagine you don't see them. They must fucking poke you in the eye sometimes. Cut those motherfuckers!

From,

Everyone You Meet Today
  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2011-04-19, 23:31

Dear Melbourne female public transport riders,

Please stop crossing your legs when sitting facing another row of seats, OK? It takes up even more space in an area where space is already at a premium. I know it's ladylike, but being considerate is more useful here. And I promise I won't try too hard to look up your ridiculously short miniskirt to see if you're going commando or not. Really.

Thanks,
Bloke who already struggles to rein his long legs in.


Dear people who decide to sit sideways on a tram seat:

Quit invading my personal space and using me as a backrest. Turn the fuck around and sit properly. It's not that hard. Next person does this is going to get an elbow in the kidneys.

Signed
Me.

Specialists are people who know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. Generalists are people who know less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything. I'm somewhere in the middle.
  quote
Ryan
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Promise Land of Trustafarians
 
2011-04-21, 10:53

Quote:
Originally Posted by RowdyScot View Post
Pandora had "Tank!"? Epic! <3 Cowboy Bebop.
Okay, yeah, this is actually a pretty good song.
  quote
Sauvblanc
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mel-Bun!
 
2011-04-27, 22:47

Dear Smokers,

I work in a hospital. The entire hospital campus-including the grounds encompassed by the hospital-are very clearly designated as smoke free. It's the law. There are a million "Please Do Not Smoke" signs plastered all over the hospital campus. Around entrances there are large signs asking you not to smoke within a certain distance of the doors. There are several air vents that channel fresh air into the building clearly marked as non-smoking areas.

Yet every single day I see dozens of you blatantly disregarding the signs and smoking pretty much wherever you damn well please on campus, including next to, and in front of, the "No Smoking" signs.

I get that you're addicted. But that doesn't entitle you to be a selfish prick. Have some respect, please. The signs are up there for a good reason-it's a hospital, for fuck's sake!! Don't yell at me to mind my own business when I politely ask you to move somewhere else. There's a beautiful huge park right across the street with plenty of seating in the shade. Go smoke there instead.

Thanks
Someone who values his lungs...

Specialists are people who know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. Generalists are people who know less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything. I'm somewhere in the middle.
  quote
RowdyScot
Ice Arrow Sniper
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Great Bay Temple
Send a message via AIM to RowdyScot Send a message via Skype™ to RowdyScot 
2011-05-19, 21:34

Dear Employers,

I get it - you don't want me to have a full-time position, despite my being the only one with full-time availability and being the best-qualified applicant. But please, if you aren't going to choose me for these positions, hire someone that is actually competent at their job. All you've done is promote the people that will be easily manipulated, which has cost all of you dearly with the headaches you yourselves create.

-Rowdy

P.S. - No, I'm not willing to just switch departments. I need the benefits for medical reasons, and staying part-time doesn't help with that.

Authentic Nova Scotia bagpipe innards
  quote
kieran
Tweeting @kierankelly
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: New York City
 
2011-05-19, 21:37

Dear student loans,

I'm thankful for your help in obtaining an education, but damn, you're costing me a shit ton of money every month.

-k
  quote
PB PM
Sneaky Punk
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Send a message via Skype™ to PB PM 
2011-05-22, 01:24

Dear co-worker,

I know that you think that I like you, but I don't. Stop being so stupid. I know you have BF, and I know that you don't like me either, so can we just move on with our lives and stop dragging this out... please?
  quote
Maciej
M AH - ch ain saw
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2011-05-22, 01:30

Quote:
Originally Posted by PB PM View Post
Dear co-worker,

I know that you think that I like you, but I don't. Stop being so stupid. I know you have BF, and I know that you don't like me either, so can we just move on with our lives and stop dragging this out... please?
What a comical situation... and delicate. I'd be interested to see how you work this out.
  quote
PB PM
Sneaky Punk
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Send a message via Skype™ to PB PM 
2011-05-22, 01:38

I have a few ideas, but only one of them will end with me NOT being fired.
  quote
billybobsky
BANNED
I am worthless beyond hope.
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Inner Swabia. If you have to ask twice, don't.
 
2011-05-22, 02:37

Dear Hulu,

I used to pride myself on being able to sit through any horrible movie life would throw at me. Not anymore. You have ruined my ability to have patience with shitty movies, and all you have is shitty movies.

There's nothing good in what you do; some movies decidedly needed to be forgotten, but no, you invite studios to dump their back catalogue of commercial failures onto unwitting, bored viewers, and you expect them to watch that shit. I cannot abide by those rules any longer -- my threshold for watching crap has been broken by months of torment at your hands. Every cliched movie shot causes me to wrench away from my computer, hoping that someone out there is learning from the piles of flotsam you've dredged up. Perhaps Michael Bay will finally realize that he cannot direct to save his life and give up trying, or James Cameron will die from collapsed ego syndrome when it dawns on him he is no better than terror you have released. But I doubt it. The film detritus that makes up your collection is so unwatchable, I don't believe there will be any good to come from it.

So with all do respect, please shut down your movie collection, you owe that much to bored internet users. Think of all the Saturday afternoons you are ruining if you don't.

Yours,

Sometimes even free is too expensive
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Portland, OR
 
2011-06-12, 17:00

Dear people who retweet things on Twitter:

There is a retweet button. There is! You don't have to copy and paste a tweet into your tweet box, adding RT and the @username of the retweet-ee. You can just click a button! It's so easy to do, you might have done it by accident a few times.

I mention this because, as I'm sure you know, tweets are limited to 140 characters, and adding "RT @username" takes about 10% of them, even devoid of any scintillating additional commentary like "LOL!" Thus, if the tweet you are retweeting was close to the character limit, you will have to change what you are saying the person tweeted from what they actually tweeted, which is bad, or you will have to cut it off with a link to the rest of the tweet, which is even worse. And the link takes up even more of the available characters, meaning that your followers will get, at best, about half of the original tweet.

Luckily, there's an easy-to-use retweet button that displays the original tweet, in its unmolested entirety, in the twitter stream of your followers!

For example, this tweet of mine, regarding the unfortunate wording of HP's sponsored trending topic, was retweeted by two people. You can see that it was retweeted by one person, because he used the button. (Another reason to use the button!) The other person didn't use the button, resulting in a tweet that looks like this. What was my point? Who knows? Nobody, unless you click the link to view the rest of a single tweet. Note also the mangled capitalization of my username, and the way it was cut off mid-word.

USE THE BUTTON.

<3,
robo

(Oh, and for the record, HP changed their sponsored trending topic to #smallbutpowerful, which is...probably not any better.)

and i guess i've known it all along / the truth is, you have to be soft to be strong
  quote
Capella
Dark Cat of the Sith
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Send a message via AIM to Capella  
2011-06-12, 17:10

Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
(Oh, and for the record, HP changed their sponsored trending topic to #smallbutpowerful, which is...probably not any better.)
So many jokes.
  quote
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