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Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2004-06-30, 18:33

Just remember....

Quote:
Top 9 Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus

1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves!

Quote:
Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.


TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.


C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Unix:

% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
  quote
curiousuburb
Antimatter Man
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: that interweb thing
 
2004-06-30, 19:48

Funnay!

P-p-p-PowerBook - long but sidesplitting scamming the scammer story.
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2004-06-30, 19:55

P-p-p-powerbook =

Of course, the timeline is also extremely old too, older than the PowerBook thing.
  quote
thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2004-07-01, 08:18

Quote:
Originally Posted by curiousuburb
Funnay!

P-p-p-PowerBook - long but sidesplitting scamming the scammer story.
lol. Monitor!!
  quote
Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2004-07-01, 09:12

More Comedy GOLD


Not to mention....

Quote:
Once upon a time, Apple had a new computer under development. Their project name for it was "Carl Sagan" (I don't know why).

When the real Carl Sagan learned about this, he was upset. He demanded that Apple stop using his name, even for their private, internal projects.

Apple agreed. They changed the name of the project to "Butthead Astronomer".

and, if operating systems were airlines (back in the day, yo):

Quote:
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.


Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.


OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.


Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.


Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them believe they arrived.
  quote
curiousuburb
Antimatter Man
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: that interweb thing
 
2004-07-01, 09:51

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." *(Rich Cook)
  quote
thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2004-07-01, 10:53

i found this little tidbit on fortune.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fortune
When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
of asterisked sentences:

It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
And costs less than $1,300.**

In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":

* Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
might not be able to figure this out for yourself.

** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
you really want to. Or less.
-- Forbes
  quote
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