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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
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Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 16:35

Dear person who asked to borrow my phone on the bus,

The battery really was dying. I just want you to know that. I know you thought I was lying, about that, but I wasn't. I mean, I would have lied. I would have said the battery was dying, even if it wasn't, because I'm not just going to hand a $600 phone to random people on the bus, sorry. I realize you couldn't have run off with it per se, because we were on a moving bus, but you could have, idunno, dropped it or something. So no, you couldn't have used my phone, even if the battery wasn't dying. But that's the beauty of it: the battery was dying. So I didn't have to lie. But I blew it. I was too quick, too eager, to tell you the battery was dying. You didn't buy it, because it sounded like a lie even though it wasn't. But I want you to know that I was actually telling the truth, even though I would have had absolutely no qualms about lying to you if that hadn't been the case.

P.S. We passed like six payphones on that route.

Honestly yours,

Robo

--------------

Dear Taco Bell person who comped me lunch on the sly:

Thanks. You rule. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Shit.

My condolences,

Robo

--------------

Dear people who post non-paying graphic design gigs on Craigslist,

No one is going to design your band poster for free. But if you talk to the right person you might get potato tacos for free. Consider that some free advice for life.

All the best,

Robo

(Inspired by these.)

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
Xaqtly
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-03, 16:41

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Thanks. You rule. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Shit.
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Whitby
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2010-03-03, 16:44

Asking to "borrow" a phone is always the precursor to theft. Always.
  quote
chucker
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: near Bremen, Germany
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2010-03-03, 16:47

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryson View Post
Asking to "borrow" a phone is always the precursor to theft. Always.
Also, women in alleys at night always get raped. Always.
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Whitby
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2010-03-03, 16:54

Reductio ad absurdum, and in poor taste too. *golfing clap*
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 16:56

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryson View Post
Asking to "borrow" a phone is always the precursor to theft. Always.
If I had, like, a $20 prepaid phone, I would have let him make a call. I've done that before. But an iPhone? Erm, no. I actually don't think he was a phone bandit or anything, but I'm not going to take that chance just so a stranger can make a phone call without getting off the bus.

I've had a smartphone stolen from me before so maybe I'm just cautious but seriously, that's like asking to "borrow" someone's watch these days. I'm not going to give someone something I can't afford to replace. Also, the last time I let someone on a bus borrow an iPod, it was somebody I knew and it still came back with two huge scratches on the screen. So yeah.

I would have given him change for payphone, if he asked. I'm not, like, a scrooge, and I know what it's like to need to make a call and not be able to (especially since, uh, my phone was dying!). But my expensive electrons are mine, sorry dude.

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
chucker
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: near Bremen, Germany
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2010-03-03, 17:00

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryson View Post
Reductio ad absurdum, and in poor taste too. *golfing clap*
I don't know if your original post was sarcastic; if it wasn't, it was retarded, and mine was an apt response. And if it was sarcastic, then Roboman has already responded to that — it's not just "a" phone; it's an expensive high-end one.
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Whitby
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2010-03-03, 17:02

*delete me* Just getting into an argument that's nothing to do with anyone else.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 17:08

I'm so confused. Hay guyz wuts going on in this thread?
  quote
chucker
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: near Bremen, Germany
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2010-03-03, 17:10

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
I'm so confused. Hay guyz wuts going on in this thread?
I have no idea.
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Whitby
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2010-03-03, 17:15

That might be the problem.
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2010-03-03, 17:16

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
I'm so confused. Hay guyz wuts going on in this thread?


  quote
chucker
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: near Bremen, Germany
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2010-03-03, 17:17

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryson View Post
That might be the problem.
I liked this thread better before. Since you're (apparently?) saying your original post was sarcastic (I've asked someone else and they couldn't quite tell either), that means you misunderstood Roboman's post, which he has already clarified in a reply. So, why are we still discussing this?
  quote
Noel
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago
 
2010-03-03, 17:17

I read Bryson's comment as meaning "all people who have their phones stolen have them stolen by people who ask to borrow their phone," rather than "all people who ask to borrow your phone will steal your phone." If that's indeed what Bryson meant, I think his slightly vague wording led to a misinterpretation on Chucker's part.
  quote
Bryson
Rocket Surgeon
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Whitby
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2010-03-03, 17:22

See here. Then move on.

Jesus.
  quote
pscates2.0
Mr. Farmiga
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2010-03-03, 17:23

This thread just never quite got off the ground, did it?

Goons...

But in the spirit of the thread:

Quote:
Dear People Who Fuck Up Silly, Innocuous Threads With Stuff Nobody Easily Picks Up On (or Material That May Be Too Hip or Smart for the Room),

Stop.

Thanks,
Paul
  quote
chucker
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: near Bremen, Germany
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2010-03-03, 17:24

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noel View Post
I read Bryson's comment as meaning "all people who have their phones stolen have them stolen by people who ask to borrow their phone," rather than "all people who ask to borrow your phone will steal your phone." If that's indeed what Bryson meant, I think his slightly vague wording led to a misinterpretation on Chucker's part.
No. He made a sarcastic, hyperbolic statement. (And there's nothing wrong with that.)
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 17:24

Dear :O,

If I may be so bold, you are my favorite emoticon. You are distinct from and , and I must say I am glad that AppleNova leaves you rendered as text. An image couldn't capture the color of your existence, the shock and, yes, the awe. Leaving the eyes rendered only as the small dots of the colon serves to punctuate the gaping expanse of your dropped jaw, if you would forgive the pun. While other emoticons are best in groups you, my fellow, stand alone. One of you is all anyone could need. You are constantly surprised, and yet you surprise us all.

Always yours,

Robo

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
709
Damned
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2010-03-03, 17:35

Dear :O,

You don't want to know what you remind me of, and Robo is wrong when he says one of you is all anyone could need.

Yours,
709

So it goes.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 17:38

Dear 709,

:O

Yours,
Robo
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2010-03-03, 17:39

Dear Craigslist denizens,

No, I will not hold a free couch for you. I will give you the courtesy of letting you know if someone else picks it up before you can so you don't waste a trip out. It's a free couch. I'm sure you can find another.

No, I will not take $120 for this thing I am selling for $350 and which costs $400+ used no matter where you look. No, raising your offer to $125 with the promise of "in cash, today" does not make me more inclined to take you up on it.

Also, I do not care how much you originally paid for your TV four years ago. Four-year-old TVs hold their value about as well as four-year-old milk.

Love,

Luca
  quote
709
Damned
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Purgatory
 
2010-03-03, 17:42

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear 709,

:O

Yours,
Robo


OK. That made me laugh.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 17:47

Dear US technology media,

Symbian is a smartphone operating system. Really! In fact, it's actually the most popular one. I know it's the only smartphone operating system not developed by a North American operation, and I know it doesn't have a huge following in the US, but America actually isn't the entire world! I know that must seem shocking, but millions of people buy Symbian phones, and more are buying them every year. So please stop writing articles about how Nokia is circling the drain or about how Symbian might be an okay choice for someone who doesn't want an "actual" smartphone. Toodles!

XOXO,
Robo

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
tomoe
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Send a message via AIM to tomoe  
2010-03-03, 17:50

Dear dudes & dudettes who hang outside, perpetually working on your lame crotch rockets,

If you're going to play the same 3 songs over and over and over, can you at least let them finish and not just play 30 seconds of each?

On second thought, can you turn off that awful reggaeton shit? Anything will do, I would even settle for Kelly Clarkson.

Love,
the fourth floor dweller.

ps-I'm glad it's winter and you all have retreated to from whence you came.

pps-not quite sure if whence was correctly used

ppps-I don't care either.

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
  quote
drewprops
Magnificent Basturd™
sagacious-d
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2010-03-03, 18:09

Dear person who stays just a bit too long at work then decides he wants to go out to have a beer with his friends but then they've already made other plans forcing you to go home to do piddly shit: screw you.

Signed,
Yourself



...

Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon.
Captain Drew on Twitter
  quote
Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2010-03-03, 18:16

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roboman View Post
Dear US technology media,

Symbian is a smartphone operating system. Really! In fact, it's actually the most popular one. I know it's the only smartphone operating system not developed by a North American operation, and I know it doesn't have a huge following in the US, but America actually isn't the entire world! I know that must seem shocking, but millions of people buy Symbian phones, and more are buying them every year. So please stop writing articles about how Nokia is circling the drain or about how Symbian might be an okay choice for someone who doesn't want an "actual" smartphone. Toodles!

XOXO,
Robo
I don't mean to be a dick, but why would the US tech media report extensively on tech that isn't popular in the US? If CNET talks about Symbian, it'll be relevant to only a tiny percent of their readers. If they write a story on Android or the iPhone, though, they'll get way more hits.

I agree that it is stupid to only look at the US market when judging the worldwide performance of a product, especially one that is developed outside the US, but you have to keep in mind the audience.
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 18:27

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luca View Post
I don't mean to be a dick, but why would the US tech media report extensively on tech that isn't popular in the US? If CNET talks about Symbian, it'll be relevant to only a tiny percent of their readers. If they write a story on Android or the iPhone, though, they'll get way more hits.

I agree that it is stupid to only look at the US market when judging the worldwide performance of a product, especially one that is developed outside the US, but you have to keep in mind the audience.
Off-topic (click to toggle):
It's not that they don't cover it, that would be (as you said) understandable. It's that they do cover it in an oddly disparaging fashion. Like, Engadget just came out and said that the Nokia C5 wasn't a smartphone, despite it having multitasking, WiFi, Exchange support, an app store, and GPS with free voice navigation. I'm not sure what smartphone requirements it doesn't meet, unless "a North American operating system" is on the list now. And it's not just Engadget. It's, like, everyone.

I'm far from a Symbian superfan but it's hard not to notice. The US technology media seems to think that Symbian is (deservedly, apparently) going down in flames, despite the fact that it continues to add users and there's huge improvements coming over the next year.

i won't let you hurt my planet / and i won't let you hurt my friends
  quote
Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2010-03-03, 18:41

Dear kids,

Get off my lawn.

Respectfully,
Brad
  quote
Robo
Formerly Roboman, still
awesome
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cascadia
 
2010-03-03, 18:43

Dear people who give me negative rep for making gay jokes,

I'm gay. Just thought you might want to, y'know, take that into consideration.

Fabulously yours,
Robo
  quote
Foj
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Atlanta
 
2010-03-03, 18:57

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brad View Post
Dear kids,

Get off my lawn.

Respectfully,Shakes fist,
Brad
Dear Brad,

Fixed that for you

Foj
  quote
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