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If you see John Madden with red pubes in his teeth, don't blame Kickaha... read this!


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If you see John Madden with red pubes in his teeth, don't blame Kickaha... read this!
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murbot
Hoonigan
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2006-10-19, 16:53



This man is not happy.

Ethan Albright Strikes Back

John Madden better watch his pasty white ass! This is the funniest thing I've read in quite a while.

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murbot
Hoonigan
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2006-10-19, 16:56

In case the website keeps acting this weird, I'll paste the text in: (I think it got Farked)

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.
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Yontsey
*AD SPACE FOR SALE*
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Cleveland-ish, OH
 
2006-10-19, 16:58

hahahaha, yeah, i just read that yesterday on the cleveland browns insider forum. i was rolling for hours. classic read.
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thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2006-10-19, 17:04

I just came over to AO to post this hilarity.

I like the second paragraph. JM gets a 12, except in ball-licking.
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Kickaha
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2006-10-19, 17:13

OMFG, that's classic. I love it.

Go go red pube revenge!
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Engine Joe
Going Strange...
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Brooklyn, NY
 
2006-10-19, 17:31

Is it a real letter? I assume not... but since I can't load the original page to get any kind of context I have to say, if it is, then he really is an idiot --- given that it is patently obvious that Madden has little to do with the series other than getting paid to have his name put on it and doing some generic Madden-ish voiceovers.
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ZacMoose
Member
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Australia
 
2006-10-19, 17:41

Real or not it's funny stuff. I've often wondered about how sports stars take bad statistics ever since the days of NBA Jam (I must admit to still playing that on an emulator )
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Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2006-10-19, 17:45

Quote:
Originally Posted by Engine Joe View Post
--- given that it is patently obvious that Madden has little to do with the series other than getting paid to have his name put on it and doing some generic Madden-ish voiceovers.
Madden doesn't even do the voice commentary any more!
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thuh Freak
Finally broke the seal
 
Join Date: May 2004
 
2006-10-20, 13:30

"I have no clue why EA went in this direction. It could be because they hate us. I see no other explanation."
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DMBand0026
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Chicago
 
2006-10-20, 13:41

Quote:
Originally Posted by thuh Freak View Post
I just came over to AO to post this hilarity.

I like the second paragraph. JM gets a 12, except in ball-licking.
That was my favorite part too. Awesome stuff.
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murbot
Hoonigan
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2018-05-31, 15:49

Man, I was just going through some ancient bookmarks on an old computer and came across this gem.

I flew my ball over the green and into a fence in men's league last week, and dropped a "fuck me sideways with a lunchbox" on the group... which raised a few eyebrows and a "where the fuck did that come from??" and I couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Just that it's in my top 10 things to grunt when things turn to shit.

Now I know.
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chuoiit2
 
 
2018-06-04, 04:28

, This is a great article. It gave me a lot of useful information. thank you very much. Link profile: https://google.com
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drewprops
Space Pirate
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
 
2018-06-05, 05:03

This was indeed a useful article


...
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murbot
Hoonigan
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
 
2018-06-05, 16:16

Too funny.
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