[LoCash]

In World of Warcraft there is a quest located in Un'Goro Crater where you have to rescue a mechanical ape for a Gnome, named A-ME 01. The quest is named, "Chasing A-ME", an obvious reference to the film, but I noticed that the ape's name was that of the talking one in the horrific film Congo.

So my friend Taft and I were doing the quest and talking about it. He scarcely remembers the film, and it's probably better that way. It was definitely better considering what happened this evening. As we were talking on iChat, the following dialogue occurred...

Originally Posted by Taft & LoCash Taft: dude. congo. were the apes robots? Taft: I actually need to know this for homework LoCash: no, the apes were not robots. why? Taft: my astronomy class is ridiculous Taft: I have to do this shit to graduate Taft: one sec let me paste the Q Taft: 5. Pick a movie that you have seen that had alien or artificial life in it. With what you now know, analyze the life presented in the movie and determine if it is plausible or not (for the alien life) or if it is really life or not (for the artificial life). For an example, look at p. 72 in the book, where they analyze the Andromeda Strain. If you decide to do the Andromeda Strain for your movie, you can not use the answer that was given in the book. Taft: i mean, come on. I wanted to do Congo. Because I thought they were robotic apes LoCash: Why would you possibly think that? Taft: fuck you LoCash: Really, the movie was gay... but robot apes? Taft: stfu LoCash: Let me ask you some questions briefly LoCash: 1) How do you figure robot apes got into the congo and sustained themselves? Taft: diamonds LoCash: 2) Who the fuck would make a robot ape? Taft: aliens LoCash: Ok, you know that movie was about them going to get diamonds, not robot apes... LoCash: Not even Amie was a robot, she just wore a glove that would translate her sign language into English words Taft: dude, I'm sort of scared at your memory of this movie LoCash: I'm sort of scared of your memory of it too. Taft: i like it better with robot apes LoCash: Well, hang on, I just looked it up on the DVD. I guess you ARE kind of right... Taft: ? LoCash: They were part robot Taft: omg they were PART robot? LoCash: yeah Taft: wtf. Did they engineer themselves that way? LoCash: No, supposedly aliens did. Taft: ohhh, really? Taft: or are you making this up? LoCash: Dude, I have the DVD right here LoCash: if I had a scanner I'd scan it in Taft: oh man, this is good then

This was funny, I didn't think he'd actually buy it. He then had to ask some questions about the film, since he clearly didn't remember it, nor did he have the DVD! This is long, but it's worth it. It's also important to note that it wasn't until after it sunk in that he was going to write about robot apes in the film Congo for a homework assignment that I decided to change the story and try to get him to actually do it.

Originally Posted by Taft & LoCash Taft: I need to know a few thigns Taft: first Taft: was it that the aliens engineered the apes, and then left them alone? Taft: and they reproduced themselves? LoCash: The aliens were there for the diamonds LoCash: and they engineered the apes to help them LoCash: But something went wrong LoCash: that's why the local tribes are so scared of them LoCash: Because they are alien LoCash: I don't know that they reproduced, I don't think they were there long enough LoCash: But the movie never had any baby apes Taft: hmmm Taft: let's assume that it was a while ago Taft: and that the apes did reproduce Taft: can we assume that? LoCash: hmm. ok. LoCash: You want to know if they COULD reproduce? Hypothetically? Taft: yes LoCash: Yes. It was indicated that the implants genetically modified the apes LoCash: But I don't think the implants would have been on the offspring LoCash: but the offspring probably would have had the same strength and intelligence LoCash: the strength boost was a big thing Taft: ok Taft: did they grow and develop? Taft: or were they static? Taft: ie did they have life stages? LoCash: I assume they aged. Taft: was there one who was older and/or wiser or bigger? LoCash: Well, the movie didn't cover their entire lifespan Taft: well ok LoCash: But hypothetically Taft: but were there any that were different from the others? LoCash: There was an alpha LoCash: but there always is Taft: yes well okay Taft: that works LoCash: he was bigger and stronger Taft: hell that's natural selection in progress LoCash: Yeah, I guess so. LoCash: how many other questions you have to answer? LoCash: what are the others? Taft: did they have laser guns? Taft: I have to analyse it on six characteristics Taft: Order, reproduction, growth/development, energy utilization, response to environment, and evolutionary adaptation Taft: if I can say "yes" to all six, it's alive LoCash: yes, they did LoCash: those were the implants LoCash: originally designed to help mine the diamonds Taft: ok Taft: were the diamonds a source of energy? Taft: did that power the apes? LoCash: No, they did power the laser though Taft: or were they powered by fury? Taft: did the apes eat? LoCash: Well, they did eat one of the people LoCash: Well, I don't know if they feasted on him LoCash: but they did kill him Taft: but they ate him? LoCash: Well, they ate off his leg and arms Taft: for sure? LoCash: gnawed on it LoCash: yeah Taft: k cool Taft: that's eating Taft: energy utlizaton LoCash: cool Taft: who was it they ate? LoCash: one of the members of the archaeology team LoCash: I don't remember which guy Taft: k LoCash: Some of them were killed by the lasers too LoCash: Amie never died though LoCash: she helped her handler get out alive Taft: I need evolution and growth/development Taft: I can mention the alpha as natural selection LoCash: hmm LoCash: ask a question Taft: one left Taft: growth and development Taft: Did they exhibit that at all? How can I say it? LoCash: Well LoCash: They clearly grew stronger to overtake the beings that engineered them LoCash: use that Taft: were there no baby apes or old apes? Taft: or had they modified themselves in any way? LoCash: There were old ones LoCash: the alpha was clearly older

This was the end of his questioning. He was ready to present to me his final answer. Before we read that, let's take a look at the plot summary of this film...

Greed is bad, this simple morality tale cautions. A megalomaniacal C.E.O. sends his son into the dangerous African Congo on a quest for a source of diamonds large enough and pure enough to function as powerful laser communications transmitters (or is it laser weapons?). When contact is lost with his son and the team, his sometime daughter- in-law is sent after them. She is a former CIA operative and, accompanied by gee-whiz gadgetry and a few eccentric characters (including a mercenary, a researcher with a talking gorilla, and a a nutty Indiana-Jones-type looking for King Solomon's Mines), sets out to rescue her former fiance. What they all discover is that often what we most want turns out to be the source of our downfall.

Now let's take a look at how Taft answered his homework question...

Originally Posted by Taft & LoCash Taft: 5. Perhaps against our wills, many of us have seen the movie Congo. In this film, a genetically and robotically modified species of ferocious man-killing ape beasts defends a diamond mine in Africa from a band of explorers and a talking gorilla named Amie. The partially robotic apes were certainly ordered, having both genetic code and computer parts in their makeup. They could likely reproduce, as they were engineered for strength and intelligence but not sterilized as far as the movie tells us. Taft: The apes certainly responded to their environments, especially insofar as they needed to in order to viciously slay human beings with their laser guns. They utilized energy: at one point, the apes ate the limbs of one of the humans in the film. The apes had not been present long enough to undergo much natural selection and thus evolutionary adaptation, but the presence of an alpha male shows that they were differentiated according to differing traits which made certain apes more likely to reproduce than others. Taft: This would have produced, over time, evolutionary adaptation. Finally, some of the apes were more mature than others, which shows that they exhibited growth and development. Exhibiting thus all six characteristics of life, the apes in Congo were alive. Taft: I'm not too sure about the film's writers, however. Taft: get all that? LoCash: I'm pretty sure nobody has ever written an analysis of the film that well. Taft: and for good fucking reason

He's turning it in tomorrow, he'll have it back on Monday. He may be more pissed off than when I mailed his PowerBook back to him with Elf porn as his startup/login screen. I also changed his login password and made the hint a riddle, but of course the password wasn't the answer to the riddle. He booted it up in front of co-workers when the Elf Porn boot/login screens came up. Then he spent two hours solving the riddle, only to call me and find out that wasn't the password anyway. Yeah, I can't wait until Monday

[InactionMan]

Taft: were the diamonds a source of energy? Taft: did that power the apes? LoCash: No, they did power the laser though Taft: or were they powered by fury? Taft: did the apes eat? LoCash: Well, they did eat one of the people LoCash: Well, I don't know if they feasted on him

??????

Holy hell.

That was an excellent bedtime read.

[EmC]

, I have to go answer that crying poll now. That is too much, my sides hurt.

[LoCash]

The thing is, he's a really bright kid. In a great undergraduate program, and on his way to grad school soon. I guess he just really wanted to believe there were robot apes, or at least half robot apes, in that film. I was lying pretty bad through a lot of that, and I sure as hell don't own the DVD

[Kickaha]

LoCash, you are an utter *bastard*.

I love you man!

[Wrao]

Note to self: never trust locash.

[LoCash]

Or Note to Self: Use some common fucking sense

[Wrao]

Yea, well I was more worried about the existence of the other prank

[curiousuburb]

Dude... he should have just picked an easy film with all those components pre-rolled...

Terror of Mecha-Godzilla (or any of dozens of Godzilla films).


Radiation causes Godzilla. Godzilla fights alien moth/bug/critter/Kong/MechaKong.

Inevitable scene with monster caught in high-tension power lines
(usually to little effect except juicing up the critter and smoking the stunt wardrobe).
Some have obvious growth and development (of moth from pupae, etc) or obvious shrinkage (doll sized twin heroines carried around in a box).

Doofus to pick Congo... double burn if the prof actually watched Congo.

[drewprops]

He can work an IM client but he doesn't know how to work a freaking SEARCH ENGINE?? Oh my good gracious golly he deserves every ounce of the grade he's going to get. But he did a marvelous job of assembling an answer from fragmented information given to him by someone on the internet.

On the internet nobody knows you're a dog.
Or that you're going to eat their homework.

Kudos to you sir, I doff my hat, raise my beer and salute you!!!

[_Ω_]

Locash, I think Satan has reserved a special place in hell for you!!

Make sure you tell us how it all turns out.

[dviant]

That's hilarious. I think I want to see LoCash's version.

[Moogs]

Post of the Month �

[Mac+]

love your work Jack ... do you laugh to yourself as you type it up - or maintain a straight face until it all unfolds?

[LoCash]

UPDATE ** UPDATE ** UPDATE ** UPDATE ** UPDATE

So I got an IM this morning from Taft. It read, "Hey, we need to talk about Congo."

He wasn't online when I got up this morning, so I couldn't reply immediately. I was also laughing a little too hard to operate the computer at first. So a few minutes later, I decide to play some World of Warcraft. It seemed only fitting. Taft just happened to be playing as well, and I get the following messages from him, under his WoW name...

Hildebrand: Hey, we need to talk about Congo.
Kintara: ?
Hildebrand: Ann made me watch it last night.
Hildebrand: She insisted.

At this point I was laughing my ass off, and we took it to iChat. This broke a little bit early, but it was still a wonderful thing to wake up to on a Saturday morning.

Taft: You really suck. You are SUCH a bastard.
LoCash: So had Ann seen the movie? What happened?
Taft: Well, we were talking and she read my homework answer because I hyped up the robotic apes. After reading it she really wanted to go see it. So we went to Blockbuster, and I think they were a little disturbed when we asked for, "The movie Congo, you know, the one with the robotic laser apes."
LoCash: lol, that's great!
Taft: Yeah, you suck. There was no ape cannibalism either.
Taft: you made all that shit up
LoCash: hahahahahahahahaha
LoCash: Did you even re-read your answer? The second sentence is the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard!
Taft: Yeah, it was supposed to be funny
LoCash: it was funny alright
LoCash: I think that the worst par about all of this is that I made you watch it again. Both of you.
Taft: yes, you are such a bastard
LoCash: So at what point did you realize that I was a bastard? What was your reaction?
Taft: Mainly frustration at the lack of laser wielding gorillas
LoCash: lol, and when did you give up hope for them?
Taft: at the very end when they run out of the city
Taft: I held out up
Taft: I really hope the TA never saw this film...

[sunrain]

Christ on crutches that's some funny shit.

Taft meet imdb. Imdb meet Taft.

[Mac+]

That's GOLD!

[Wickers]

Damit man! That's gold!

Edit:
Mac+, now that's just creepy... exact same time stamp too, you must have been a few seconds before me.

[Kickaha]

*LOL*

OMFG, I have tears running down my cheeks.

WE'RE NOT WORTHY!

[Mac+]

\/\/ickes ... cue Twilight Zone music.

[Kickaha]

Yeah, see, and this is what happens when it *isn't* your friend who pulls this on you...

[Paul]

Holy crap.

Jack, you got beat. A lot of weird shit going on lately. What are the odds?

[InactionMan]

Originally Posted by Kickaha Yeah, see, and this is what happens when it *isn't* your friend who pulls this on you...

I read that one at work today. Quality stuff.

[Paul]

They posted the conclusion... and apparently boing boing thinks it is a hoax. I couldn't google anything on the girl's original name (pahl) at either university (lewis or EIU). It is a distinct possibility, but a shitty hoax if thats the case... I guess that would make it more believable tho.

[LoCash]

The TA hasn't finished grading all of the class's homework, so Taft most likely won't have it back until week's end. He'll be scanning in the homework's comments as soon as he gets them though

[Mac+]

can't wait to see 'em

[Dave]

Any updates yet? Or was that the end of this week that he's supposed to get it back?

[murbot]

Dude, this is just insanely hilarious. I can't believe you let it go this far.

Classic. You guys will still be talking about this one in 10 years.

[LoCash]

He was out of town this weekend, haven't heard from him since Thursday actually. Which sucks for him, because my char is now a full two levels ahead of his now at level 57 Looking for him today, hopefully I'll have an update soon

[Koodari]

Well. This is better than my friends' homework.

They had to do a book review of an old Finnish book, and they didn't feel at all like reading, so they just invented a writer and invented a book and told the teacher the manuscript was only recently found and put on the Web by the writer's grandson...

Unfortunately I slept through that class, shoulda been there. I hear the teacher, whose hobby was old Finnish literature, was visibly embarrassed of that she had not heard about the writer before

Some people ask for it... but it takes an artist to see what has to be done. Props, LoCash.