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me and my girlfriend broke up
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MBHockey
skates=grafs
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: New York
 
2007-08-21, 22:13

one of the saddest times of my life is right now. my girlfriend and i mutually agreed we'd be better off just as friends. we were together for about 2 and a half years in college and somewhere in the recent months we just felt more like friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. Bringing this up was really hard, and accepting the fact that this actually happened was even more hard.

ugh.

at least we are on good terms. i hope we stay friends, because i do love her.

a little part of me is convinced this is the result of me taking a job in Va while knowing she'd be in NY. but the guilt hasn't kicked in yet. just sadness. there were times i pictured marrying her. what do i do with the pictures?

fuck me.
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zippy
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Unknown
 
2007-08-21, 22:18

Sorry to here that mate. It sound like you're feeling pretty crappy right now, but this too shall pass. In the meantime, I'd suggest a good, distracting road-trip with a buddy or two! Guys night out for a whole week.

Do you know where children get all of their energy? - They suck it right out of their parents!
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zsummers
Avast!
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
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2007-08-21, 22:31

I'm sorry to hear that, MBHockey.

Not to make light (though that might be best, frankly), but I just saw this today: "Breaking up isn't that hard to do."

Quote:
The study found that on average a group of 26 Northwestern freshman students significantly overestimated the pain they would feel after a relationship breakup.
Does this mean that romantic love ain't all it's cracked up to be?

No, it's real, but its end is survivable, said Eli Finkel, an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern and one of the study's authors.

"Love without fear, throw yourself into a relationship, throw caution to the wind . . . the breakup-related dangers of being in love are much less severe than we think they are," Finkel said.
I can't say the study is overwhelmingly convincing or anything--and I'm certainly not trying to console you with science, which would just be silly--but it's at least good to know. Note that it only applies to short relationships. If yours was longer, I'd ready for the usual fallout--the 1/2 rule is a good one: it takes you 1/2 as long to truly get over a relationship as it lasted.

I've got to say that I'm skeptical of leaving on good terms. This whole "let's still be friends", in my humble opinion, leads to a lot of unnecessary pain. It is confusing ("I love you, but I can't be with you" is like being kicked in the groin and then having the person pat you on the head and ask if you're okay). And it is mostly unnecessary. The only break-ups that I went through that actually ended in friendship got really ugly, and then a year or two later we reconnected and became good friends. The ugly cleans and closes the wound, you know--as opposed to keeping it wide open.

But regardless, good luck. Don't be too desparing--it'll be for the best, no matter how it turns out.

"How could you falter / when you're the Rock of Gibralter? / I had to get off the boat so I could walk on water. / This ain't no tall order. / This is nothing to me. / Difficult takes a day. / Impossible takes a week."
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Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2007-08-21, 22:31

Sorry MB. Good college relationships can be really hard to shake. I dated a girl for a couple years in college and we had so many good times, and were good for each other in a lot of ways but it just didn't work out. There have been times when I look back and wonder if we had never broke it off, what life would be like today. I think sometimes I'd have been better off staying with her but then I remember the way we would butt heads and get frustrated with each other over stupid stuff and think marriage would've magnified that. Hard to say. The funny thing is, I did have a real chance to get back together with her about 2 years after college, and it was unexpected too. So when that real chemistry is there, sometimes it comes back after a while. Stay in touch with her....

The thing of it is, timing is everything in a serious relationship. More than many other factors -including love- timing determines all. Right now you guys are feeling like it can't work being apart (I have a suspicion maybe this is why you "felt like friends lately" - sort of a subconscious defense mechanism). See what happens. You may both find after a time that you're not interested in who you're seeing "now" and you may yet get back together some day when your lives are a bit more settled. Stranger things happen all the time.

You just have to roll with it and see where life takes the two of you for the next several months. That you handled it maturely and remain friends (which is the basis of any good relationship) means anything is possible. Try to keep your chin up and maybe spend a couple months without dating anyone. Be alone for a while, gather your thoughts, set your goals, then jump back in the pond. You'll be all right.

...into the light of a dark black night.
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Dorian Gray
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Paris, France
 
2007-08-21, 22:34

Relationships are hardest to sustain around the two-year mark, in my opinion. By then you've really got to know your partner well. The few things that you don't yet know, don't surprise you when you find out. Things are less exciting, though sex (assuming you don't abstain for religious reasons or what have you) is probably pretty good by then. It's perhaps time to think about serious things like whether you could actually settle down for life with him or her. So it requires real dedication and commitment to spice things up. You have to take the initiative to actively make things happen, or you do risk the relationship turning into a platonic kind of thing.

I tend to take the long view about these things. If it didn't work out in this case, better now than in five years when a messy and even more traumatic divorce might have been on the cards. Best to move on, recover your energies for a while, then try again with someone new. Think of all the good things you shared with her, what she taught you that you might never otherwise have learned. Keep the photos to aid that memory. Allow it to be beautiful and bittersweet, and you'll naturally move on in the right frame of mind.
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World Leader Pretend
Ruling teh World
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Boston, MA
 
2007-08-21, 22:43

I am afraid right now of getting into a serious relationship, mostly because what do you do if you go somewhere else for college? I realize you can do long-distance relationships, but I would feel like drawing the line somewhere. There are girls that I really like hanging out with, and I know that they see something in me, but I just don't want a relationship right now.

It really kills me sometimes. I think that I might be too introverted to be able to keep contact if I move out of state in a year or two. I just am pretty independent. By the same token if I entered a relationship now I would likely have to end it in the near future, or at least step it down a notch. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

Ghaa! This stuff is obviously not easy to figure out.
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Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2007-08-21, 22:51

High school = bad time for serious relationships, good time to date 2 or 3 people. Pragmatically because as you say, everyone goes off in their own direction after senior year. And realistically because most kids that age don't have a very good grasp on love so much as lust mingled with puppy love. It's a hormone thing.

...into the light of a dark black night.
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World Leader Pretend
Ruling teh World
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Boston, MA
 
2007-08-21, 22:59

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moogs View Post
High school = bad time for serious relationships, good time to date 2 or 3 people. Pragmatically because as you say, everyone goes off in their own direction after senior year. And realistically because most kids that age don't have a very good grasp on love so much as lust mingled with puppy love. It's a hormone thing.
So we agree. I didn't have a great experience with my last relationship, but that same girl I dated is now in a more serious relationship, and has been for nearly a year. I often forget that we ever dated. High school is a strange time... fucking hormones.
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kieran
Tweeting @kierankelly
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: New York City
 
2007-08-21, 23:11

I disagree with the whole "no serious relationships in high school" thing.

I met my gf my junior year, her sophomore year. We've been together for almost five years now and talk about getting married and all of that "serious" stuff.

Good luck MB. You'll get through it fine, just make sure to go out as much as possible to get your mind off of it.

I'm sure everyone on here would be more than glad to help you out with anything you need. Just post anything you're feeling on here and you'll always have someone to "talk" to on here.
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RowdyScot
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2007-08-21, 23:29

Sorry to hear that MBH.
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Majost
monkey with a tiny cymbal
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Lost
 
2007-08-22, 00:24

Quote:
Originally Posted by World Leader Pretend View Post
I am afraid right now of getting into a serious relationship, mostly because what do you do if you go somewhere else for college?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moogs View Post
High school = bad time for serious relationships, good time to date 2 or 3 people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by World Leader Pretend View Post
So we agree. I didn't have a great experience with my last relationship, but that same girl I dated is now in a more serious relationship, and has been for nearly a year. I often forget that we ever dated. High school is a strange time... fucking hormones.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kieran23kk View Post
I disagree with the whole "no serious relationships in high school" thing.
Yes, yes and yes. Dating (especially at a young age) is all about learning about yourself. You shouldn't keep yourself from going on dates for fear of the future. Go out there and have fun. Learn what *you* are like in one-on-one situations with girls/women. If you end up finding someone who is *worth* making the effort over long distance, you will make it work.

If not, you will simply be all the wiser about who you are/who you want to be/who you want to be with.

Just be careful about getting too physical too fast in HS (you know... that whole "fucking hormones" thing ).
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MBHockey
skates=grafs
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: New York
 
2007-08-22, 05:49

Thanks everyone for the kind words.
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Wyatt
On twitter: @bwyatt
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Near Indianapolis
 
2007-08-22, 06:13

Sorry things turned sour for you, MBH. Hang in there, though. Don't let this be a long-term problem for you. Be upset for a little while if you want, but don't feel guilty. Sometimes couples just grow apart and there's nothing you can do about it.

Be good to her (she's likely hurting some, too), but don't try to comfort her. That can't possibly help her get through it.

Twitter: bwyatt | Minecraft: bwyatt_IN
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thegeriatric
geri to my friends
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Heaven
 
2007-08-22, 06:27

Sorry to hear that MBHockey. I hope staying friends is not to painful for you, and doesn't get in the way of your recovery and moving on.
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Satchmo
can't read sarcasm.
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Toronto, Canada
 
2007-08-22, 08:39

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorian Gray View Post

I tend to take the long view about these things. If it didn't work out in this case, better now than in five years when a messy and even more traumatic divorce might have been on the cards. Best to move on, recover your energies for a while, then try again with someone new. Think of all the good things you shared with her, what she taught you that you might never otherwise have learned. Keep the photos to aid that memory. Allow it to be beautiful and bittersweet, and you'll naturally move on in the right frame of mind.
Well said, Dorian.
I want to express my best wishes to MB as well. If it's any consolation, I just broke up with mine this weekend as well.

And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And we've been together for four years! As she said, four years "wasted" with nothing to show for. Ouch. However, I suspect we'll be in touch perhaps after 6 months or a year from now. We had common values, but our interests seemed to be on a different pages. We tried to make it work. Maybe we tried too hard to force something that never was there. But as rough as the departure was (tears and all), deep down we still care for each other.

Will we still be friends? I hope so. You can't be with someone for four years and not keep a piece of them in your heart.
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thegeriatric
geri to my friends
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Heaven
 
2007-08-22, 08:57

Sorry to hear that Satchmo. Best wishes.
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Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2007-08-22, 09:01

Quote:
Originally Posted by kieran23kk View Post
I disagree with the whole "no serious relationships in high school" thing.

I met my gf my junior year, her sophomore year. We've been together for almost five years now and talk about getting married and all of that "serious" stuff.

That's great Kieran, and I hope it continues to be a relationship you can both grow into, but you should not overlook the fact that you are a statistical anomaly. The VAST majority of high school relationships end by summer of senior year and those that attempt to carry on, end by the following summer. There is just too much physical and emotional change going through a person between 15 and 19 to start some kind of a rock-solid relationship, and far too many chances to meet someone new in college that suddenly has more in common with you than the girl or guy they left behind... again, for most people. There are always exceptions. The occasional couple that meets in high school, gets married and has a happy life together. I would guess that number is close to 1 couple in every in 300. Maybe 500. Seriously.

...into the light of a dark black night.
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kieran
Tweeting @kierankelly
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: New York City
 
2007-08-22, 09:53

Yeah, I agree with you Moogs.

It's just weird though. My gf's sister met her husband in high school and got married, my parents were bf and gf in high school, and my sister and her husband met in high school as well.

I guess since I've seen it happen around me, it never occurred to me that it might be out of the ordinary for it to happen like that.
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BuonRotto
Not sayin', just sayin'
 
Join Date: May 2004
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2007-08-22, 11:43

Oh God, whatever comes, comes. Don't ever put a schedule on yourself with your relationships. You'll *know* when it's right. No one, not your parents, not your friends, are any indication of what's right for you.

I think this is just one reason why so many people get divorced. they marry whomever they're with at the time they decide it's "time" to get married. But it's not with the right person.

Moogs is right, your teens and early 20s are times of great change and development. Who you are at 17 is not who you are at 18! The progress of change slows and your comfort with your identity increases as you age. It's understandable if you don't have the same feelings for someone you did a year ago at that time. You're both changing. You always have to be able to grow and adapt with the person you love, because it never stops. You don't stop changing on your wedding day.

Oh, and four years in a relationship isn't wasted. It's wasted if all you wanted out of it was a ring and lots f pomp and ceremony. If you enjoyed one another most of that time, if you both grew and the relationship taught you anything, it's not wasted. Another problem with many marriages and people in general is they think that you're living your life to reach point X, where all the stars are aligned and all your ducks are lined up. But then what? Is the point of living to stop living? The point of living is to experience living. You'll frustrate yourself trying to make this one instant happen, and then maybe you reach it. Then the instant is gone and now what's there to live for?

All of this living serves a purpose that isn't to arrive at point X, but to continue exploring paths and gain the wisdom to pass along a little of it and maybe affect the path others are traveling for the better. It never stops, not in a relationship, not out of one, not with one person and not another.

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but having a balance between (outside) circumstance and (self) motivation is what makes life rich!
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Mac+
9" monochrome
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: I'm here
 
2007-08-22, 11:56

^ Excellent post.
Quote:
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to BuonRotto again.
MBHockey and others who have broken up - sorry to hear it.
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Yontsey
*AD SPACE FOR SALE*
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
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2007-08-22, 12:31

MBH, Im sorry to hear about your situation. I kinda went through the same thing and I actually have a thread on here somewhere about it.

I met this girl in like March of 2005 when I went to school at Bowling Green. We dated on and off til June 4th (funny how you remember dates). I thought I was going to marry her.

The first time she broke up with me was last year before valentines day in 2006 and it really fucked me up and I got into a lot of alcohol, drugs, and depression. Im not ashamed of it because now when I look back to it, it has made a much stronger person.

When she left me June 4th, I was more prepared to handle it and I have made much wiser choices.

The best advice I can offer you is find something you enjoy doing and invest yourself into it. Whether it be music, working out, running, sports, basically anything. Also, hang out with your friends as much as possible!!! They will be your crutch and help you laugh and keep your mind off it.

I wish you the best with your situation. We always have your back here tonight if you need anything!!

Die young and save yourself....
@yontsey
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Taskiss
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: St. Louis, MO
 
2007-08-22, 13:30

We need rain to grow beautiful things we can appreciate in the sunshine.
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thegeriatric
geri to my friends
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Heaven
 
2007-08-22, 13:44

Quote:
Originally Posted by Taskiss View Post
We need rain to grow beautiful things we can appreciate in the sunshine.
Ok. Keep taking the pills come see me in a week.
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Windswept
On Pacific time
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moderator's Pub
 
2007-08-22, 13:53

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorian Gray View Post

I tend to take the long view about these things. If it didn't work out in this case, better now than in five years when a messy and even more traumatic divorce might have been on the cards.

Best to move on, recover your energies for a while, then try again with someone new. Think of all the good things you shared with her, what she taught you that you might never otherwise have learned. Keep the photos to aid that memory. Allow it to be beautiful and bittersweet, and you'll naturally move on in the right frame of mind.
Great post, Dorian.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BuonRotto View Post
Oh, and four years in a relationship isn't wasted. It's wasted if all you wanted out of it was a ring and lots of pomp and ceremony. If you enjoyed one another most of that time, if you both grew and the relationship taught you anything, it's not wasted.
All of this living serves a purpose that isn't to arrive at point X, but to continue exploring paths and gain the wisdom to pass along a little of it and maybe affect the path others are traveling for the better. It never stops, not in a relationship, not out of one, not with one person and not another.
More great advice. Wow!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yontsey View Post
The best advice I can offer you is find something you enjoy doing and invest yourself into it. Whether it be music, working out, running, sports, basically anything.
Very well, said, Yontsey.

I love reading the wise words here, and I agree completely with those who have said that we should be aware of all the good things that we derived from a relationship, how much we learned, and how our lives were broadened.

I guess I have the wonderful good fortune to be able to say that I still love all the guys with whom I've had relationships over the years, and they still love me. It makes me very happy to be able to say that. Once I love someone's heart and soul, and know them intimately, I will love them forever, whether we part or not, even if I never see them again.

In every case, our breakups were amicable. Honestly, looking back on things, I'm not exactly sure why such amicability was always the way things ended, but I guess it has something to do with the fact that I've only been in relationships with guys I greatly respected, admired, and loved, and for whom I wished good things in life. How could I ever have bad feelings about such person? Plus, our breakups were always a mutual decision. I suppose that was the main factor in allowing for amicability.

MBH, I hope that you can gather about you thoughts of all the good feelings and good experiences that you enjoyed in your relationship, and be glad that you were fortunate enough to have such an intimate bond in college. I think she will always be your friend, and the relationship has only added to your life, 'not' taken away from it - that is, *if* you choose to view it in that light.

The way you choose to look at the situation is the whole key to the matter. I hope you will regard it as a wonderfully positive and beneficial experience, and know that the relationship, and its ending, are a part of life. What's good is that the ending seemed gradual, mutual, and amicable. Really, that's the perfect way to end, if an end has to happen.

It's only natural that you will feel sad for a while, but as others have said, get out and explore your new city, try new things, be in public places where 'people' are, and maybe even learn to strike up casual conversations with strangers... not in a weird way, but just easy exchanges with people you come in contact with, like the checker at the supermarket, and so forth.

When you are open to the world, I think eventually you'll meet all kinds of great people, plenty of whom will be girls. My advice would be to date *lots* of different women, and not to get tied down into another relationship for a few years.

In other words, have fun and try not to take things too seriously. Try joining a few groups with interests that you share, and keep broadening your participation in the stream of life. And, btw, maybe you should... get a cat.

Last edited by Windswept : 2007-08-22 at 14:37.
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Taskiss
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: St. Louis, MO
 
2007-08-22, 14:03

Quote:
Originally Posted by thegeriatric View Post
Ok. Keep taking the pills come see me in a week.
I considered "life sucks then you die" but decided to TRY to cheer him up...not that anyone can do it though. Breakups and broken bones - "Things that take time to heal for $200, Alex"!
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Windswept
On Pacific time
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moderator's Pub
 
2007-08-22, 14:10

To tide you over, while you're feeling sad, an herbal remedy could be just the ticket.

Take two caps of St. John's Wort, two or three times per day.

(However, *don't* take this herb if you're already taking a prescription anti-depressant.)

You can buy SJWort at any drugstore or large supermarket.
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turbulentfurball
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2007-08-22, 14:11

When I was coming out of a relationship, these lyrics (John Mayer... don't laugh!) helped me:

Quote:
Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
From the song 'Split screen sadness'. It's true; you know you're over someone when you look back and see how different things become from what they were when you were feeling your worst. Time is the best healer, really.
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Luca
ಠ_ರೃ
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
 
2007-08-22, 14:24



I feel for you, man. Since I got a girlfriend last October, the mere thought of breaking up with her is almost too much to bear. Even reading about someone else breaking up makes me feel terrible, much moreso now that I understand what it's like. The good news is that we're still happily together, but posts like this make me worry that it could all fall apart someday.

Good luck to you in getting through this.
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Moogs
Hates the Infotainment
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: NSA Archives
 
2007-08-22, 15:24

It could Luca, but that goes for everyone. Part of life is taking risks and playing your hand. You might win, you might lose in the end but you'll definitely lose if you don't play the hand. Make sense? Fear of painful endings keeps a lot of people away from the best people and days of their lives, and it's really kind of sad. Then instead of dealing with a more acute sorrow for a few weeks or months, you deal with a sort of numbing sorrow all your life. No thanks....

Everyone gets burned in life. At work, in relationships and with friends. It's unavoidable. Character happens when you deal with getting burned in a non-reclusive or immature way, and see tomorrow for what it is: potentially the day everything changes for the better -- if you throw yourself out there.

...into the light of a dark black night.
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Brad
Selfish Heathen
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone of Pain
 
2007-08-22, 15:51

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moogs View Post
It could Luca, but that goes for everyone. Part of life is taking risks and playing your hand. You might win, you might lose in the end but you'll definitely lose if you don't play the hand. Make sense? Fear of painful endings keeps a lot of people away from the best people and days of their lives, and it's really kind of sad. Then instead of dealing with a more acute sorrow for a few weeks or months, you deal with a sort of numbing sorrow all your life. No thanks....

Everyone gets burned in life. At work, in relationships and with friends. It's unavoidable. Character happens when you deal with getting burned in a non-reclusive or immature way, and see tomorrow for what it is: potentially the day everything changes for the better -- if you throw yourself out there.
Or, more succinctly:

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” - Alfred Lord Tennyson

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