[drewprops]

The rules of this game are easy:

Post a rant by the Ghost of Steve Jobs about a non-Apple design by Apple. Please make it funny and brief and you have to do it AS IF it actually came from Steve Jobs.

...

[turtle]

Did everyone grow bigger hands? I can't figure out how they are supposed to use these stupid phones Apple is making now while doing anything else. Are they trying to cannibalize the iPad market with phones?

[psmith2.0]

"I hired you people to try and change the world, not jump around like a bunch of Silicon Vall..." (with apologies to Slim Pickens).

[PB PM]

Why did the keys on the Macbook Pro keyboard suddenly become worse than what Dell is using? Could you possibly make them any worse? What happened to the beautiful keyboards from the earlier models? Make something better or go work for Dell!

[kscherer]

"Who needs a stylus? You have to get them, you have to put them away … yuck!"

Oh, wait. That was an actual Steve Jobs quote.

[chucker]

I was surfing on my iPad when suddenly… boom. Two Safari tabs next to each other. I can’t figure out how to fix this!! What kind of bozo came up with this crap. Nobody understands it. This is worse than Windows. We made iPad full-screen for a reason.

[psmith2.0]

Also, wasn't it known that he wasn't very receptive to the idea of larger iPhones or smaller iPads? He'd have a stroke if he saw what became of his perfect, beloved 3.5" and 9.7" babies.

"What did I say about this? What am I, a mirage? What's up with this 6.5" and 7.9" horseshit?! I don't remember telling anyone to go and make these sizes! Gimme something to throw!"

[PB PM]

Wouldn't be at all surprised if the size pissed him off. The iPad was the size it was because it was meant to be the same as holding a print magazine.

[psmith2.0]

The fact that neither were announced until a year after he died (iPhone 5 in September 2012 and the first-generation iPad mini a month later in October) is interesting. I'm sure he was aware of them, as they were being discussed/developed/prototyped/tested throughout 2011 (isn't the lead-up to these things a solid 1-2 years, maybe more, before they hit the street?). But I'm sure, at that point, those weren't really the most pressing things on his mind.

[kscherer]

Typical product lead-time is 2 years. There is no way Jobs wasn't aware of the products that were in development for at least 2 years before he died and those 2 years after he died. Most likely, he was aware of products in early development for at least 5 years after his death.

Believe me, he knew what the pipeline looked like. Steve Jobs was a master of misdirection and deception. He said plenty about things he did not like, only to release those products a few months (or years) later.

[chucker]

Originally Posted by kscherer Typical product lead-time is 2 years. There is no way Jobs wasn't aware of the products that were in development for at least 2 years before he died and those 2 years after he died. Most likely, he was aware of products in early development for at least 5 years after his death. Believe me, he knew what the pipeline looked like. Steve Jobs was a master of misdirection and deception. He said plenty about things he did not like, only to release those products a few months (or years) later.

Yup. It's possible (and not unprecedented) that he publicly gave the impression that he disliked an iPad mini-style form factor in order to attack competing Android tablets of that size, while Apple had no equivalent offering.

But I think it's also possible he was aware of the product, rejected it, and it was resurrected after his death. Keep in mind there are also stories of his decisions being ignored behind his back (see, for example, someone at NeXT talking to Intel despite Steve making it clear he didn't want that, then Steve eventually warming up to it).

He was opinionated, but he was also able to change his opinion if someone bold and informed convinced him. Then all of a sudden, yesterday's "crap" idea was suddenly the best idea ever, and he would sell it.

[psmith2.0]

You mean like when drives mounted vertically and "the guts glommed onto the back of the display" (meaning a flat panel display was no longer all that "flat") were soundly pooh-poohed during the iMac G4 unveiling in January 2002...only to become EXACTLY what the iMac G5 was built around, two-and-a-half years later? And has remained that way ever since...15-and-a-half years and counting? Yeah, it happens. Kinda makes everyone involved with the iMac G4 look like a drug-addled loon, huh? Too cute/clever/over-designed/engineered for its own good? But I sure did love mine...a true joy to use.

[kscherer]

Originally Posted by pscates2.0 Kinda makes everyone involved with the iMac G4 look like a drug-addled loon, huh? Too cute/clever/over-designed/engineered for its own good? But I sure did love mine...a true joy to use.

Best computer design ever! I held onto mine until later last year when I was trying to thin out some crap. Although it didn't fall into the "crap" category, I just couldn't justify keeping the thing around any longer. Still, it made me sad to get rid of it.

[PB PM]

Yeah, the iMac G4 was the most beautiful computer I never owned. If I had somewhere to put it, even if just for display, I'd get one now, given how cheap they are.

[drewprops]

$600 Wheels??? Who Did This??? Who??? You're All Fired!!!!



...

[psmith2.0]

I saw that story the other day, and kept checking my calendar. "Hmm, April 1st was a few weeks ago...what's going on?"

They'll look really bitchin' next to that $1,000 monitor stand!

$1,700 worth of mounting/mobility accessories before you even get to the computer part. Yeahhh...

Pros, alright...professional nutcases.

[PB PM]

Apparently $5 wheels from a hardware store fit too.

[psmith2.0]

I would hope.

[drewprops]

ChatGPT wrote this:

"Alright, listen up, you knuckleheads. This is Steve Jobs, and I'm coming to you from beyond the grave to give you a piece of my mind. I mean, what the heck is this non-Apple design I'm seeing from my own company? Are you guys trying to give me a heart attack?

I mean, look at this thing. It's like a mutant offspring of a stapler and a toaster. And what's with all the weird angles? Did someone drop this thing on the factory floor and just decide to roll with it? It looks like something you'd find in a discount bin at a gas station.

And don't even get me started on the color choices. Did someone spill a bunch of paint on the assembly line and just mix everything together? What happened to the sleek and elegant designs that made Apple the envy of the tech world?

I swear, if I were alive right now, I'd fire every last one of you and start from scratch. But since I'm not, I'll just haunt your dreams until you come up with something better. So get to work, you clowns!"

[PB PM]

Sounds legit.

[drewprops]

I am wholly impressed at the rapidity that coherent copy is generated, and unimpressed at the quality of the results. It's enough to satisfy many people.


...

[709]

Slap an AI generated vid of a bored teen behind a wall of ChatGPT text read by a computerized voice and you've got literally unlimited Tik-Tok content. It's a genius move, really. Why would Skynet have to nuke us all when they can just lull us into complacency and compliance?

[turtle]

Didn't they do that with a Seinfeld?

[PB PM]

Yes, they have a deepfake show running for over a month now, with names changed to avoid copyright. It was temporarily banned after the AI said some crazy racial/gender related stuff (during a service disruption), but I think it’s running again.

[Matsu]

Angry Jobs: "I said it years ago, Uniforms! See how they work at the retail store? Did we spend all this money on a campus so people could come to work looking like that? I want a meeting with Issey Miyake by the end of the week!"

[PB PM]

This is why some board members want the shareholders to vote Cook and dooms day guy off the board of directors.