[Dorian Gray]

This is a regular thing with me. I cross paths with a girl who's good-looking (often in a quirky way), smart, maybe an odd sense of humour, usually utterly inappropriate for me, and *boom*, I go down like a teenager.

It happened again last week. New temp at work on my team, so it's my job to tell her what to do. She walks in with not a trace of nerves, dressed far too dramatically for first day at a new office job. I show her the ropes, get the IT gent to set up her computer, etc., and it becomes apparent that the reason she isn't nervous is that she doesn't care about the job at all.

Anyway, over the week she settles in and her laid-back attitude is starting to piss people off (not me: her smouldering eyes and very slightly exotic facial structure are getting the better of me already and I'd forgive her anything). I get talking to her a bit over lunch and it transpires that her father is Egyptian, her mother English, and she spent her childhood at a German school in Egypt. She recently moved to Northern Ireland because she's engaged to be married to a guy from here. She studied anthropology at a top UK university, and she wants to explore the Good Friday Agreement and its reasons and consequences in Northern Ireland.

On Thursday afternoon we were working away when my boss, in the course of normal business conversation, stated something in racist terms. It was subtle, but distinct to someone sensitive to these things. Some instinct caused me to immediately glance across my desk towards this girl, and whatever caused me to do so, apparently caused her to do the same, for we fleetingly met eyes and exchanged wry smiles. Nobody else seemed to notice anything impolitic in my boss' statement, and things went on as usual, but for the rest of the afternoon my mind replayed that moment, wondering what common ground she and I might inhabit. I resolved to bring up the matter at our next conversation.

Of course, as is the way of things, we never had another conversation and almost certainly never will. She took Friday off for a job interview, and on Monday sent an email to the office to say she wouldn't be back. I can only presume she got the job she wanted.

But I have her name! And it's a fairly unusual name. So it was the work of a guilty moment to discover that her signature is on the Alan Johnston petition, that she worked for the British Red Cross while at uni, that she has MySpace and Bebo accounts, that she spent a lot of time last year attending gigs in Brighton, that her taste in music is vaguely disappointing, that she has a brother, and many other things. It's unsettling that all this stuff is out there for practically anyone you care to name.

I could probably contact her, but the last time I tried that with someone I had a crush on, I was politely snubbed, which was massively humiliating. So I'll content myself with thoughts of what might have been. Which, incidentally, aren't particularly sexual. I have an irreplaceable girlfriend who's sexier than anyone, after all. But it's such a shame when two ships cross in the night, glimmering tantalisingly on the horizon, but condemned by circumstances to be forever out of reach. Although perhaps there is beauty in it too.

[709]

Beautiful, distant and smart?

I'm with you. She may as well lay me out prone and let her charms feed on my entrails.

[zsummers]

Originally Posted by Dorian Gray I could probably contact her, but the last time I tried that with someone I had a crush on, I was politely snubbed, which was massively humiliating. So I'll content myself with thoughts of what might have been. Which, incidentally, aren't particularly sexual. I have an irreplaceable girlfriend who's sexier than anyone, after all. But it's such a shame when two ships cross in the night, glimmering tantalisingly on the horizon, but condemned by circumstances to be forever out of reach. Although perhaps there is beauty in it too.

DG, I feel like you've copied out some of my experiences verbatim.

In my humble bit of experience, that sentence above pretty much answers your title question. At least for me, occupying a non-threatening, certain world--a girlfriend with whom you are content, etc.--makes that little glimmer of the other side, the uncertain side, much more tantalizing. Being certain enough in a relationship allows one to peer more contentedly, without the distraction of the details of seeing anything through.

Something I saw yesterday seems apt to relate in this regard: a hummingbird was flitting about just outside my apartment window. Outside, it would have escaped my notice as just one, slightly more interesting part of "the wild." But inside, comfortable on my couch with no where to go, it kept my rapt attention for quite a bit of time, as I had nothing else to worry over. Perhaps that makes no sense at all, but it seems appropriate to me.

[709]

Originally Posted by Dorian Gray I have an irreplaceable girlfriend who's sexier than anyone, after all.

They are phenomenal aren't they? I've had three so far.

[Taskiss]

All sorts of thoughts about how to respond, but my predominate thought is to ask your age.

It's interesting though, since I had a revelation of sorts recently. I was suddenly made aware of the source of my interest in my wife of one year, and it turns out that the adversity she's overcome and the accomplishments she's achieved are the aspect of who she is that attracts me. Both of us are from blue collar families and both of us have risen to levels of accomplishment achieved by less than 5% of the population, according to the census bureau. Nothing was handed to either of us, and she even had a daughter to raise as she got from there to here.

SO, someone who doesn't take her position seriously, someone who doesn't take her responsibility seriously... frankly, smacks of immaturity on her part and I don't find it attractive at all (which is why I shared my revelation - to explain). But hey! Live life and be happy. Whatever turns your crank is good.

[Jason]

i cannot give you any advice but I really enjoyed reading your account of things. There were so many moments in the story that I could identify with. I even laughed out loud at one point.

My advice would be to let it go. How would you explain how you managed to contact her? You couldn't tell her about your Internet Research.

I loved the story - glad to see situations like these happen to others too.

[BuonRotto]

Yeah, been there, got over it. I do believe there is a reason some guys pine over women they either believe are unattainable, or only go gaga for women they're not allowed to go gaga for. It's not really a good reason though.

[Trumpetman]

Everyone has this sort of thing happen. This is why (in my view) talk of being fated to one person is just sort of nonsense. Most people are 'fated' to marry someone in close proximity to them. (I think the average is 18 blocks or a couple miles)

To me, this is the difference between love and lust. We all feel lust, especially at first for the ones we love. That neuron misfires, and we basically go chemically insane for a while. That wears off (sadly) after a bit and then we get to the work of maintaining a relationship.

In my own view, there is more work, but it yields a deeper feeling, a true love that cannot be found in the lust or errant brain chemistry.

At least that is the hope, deluded that it may be, and the reason why I stay monogamous and married instead of wandering around plunging my rod into whoever catches my fancy.

However I will let you know that even when you are happily married this sort of thing continues that you have explained, at least to the degree you have explained it here. A shared stare, a casual bump, an inside joke, the thought that someone is new and the mystery that goes with that when our brain enjoys filling in the blanks. It is nice. They become the sort of secrets you get to keep and enjoy with yourself. They are lust and in my view we can resist lust, hopefully for the lure of love, but likely will never stop encountering lust.

Nick

[Windswept]

Oh, Dorian, I love this thread - especially the heartfelt revelations that you and others have made.

I love that you have crushes. That's so sweet and vulnerable. Um... what was your zodiac sign again? I'm sure I must know what it is, but I just can't seem to remember. Also, what's hers? Must be on her MySpace page, right?

As 709 would undoubtedly agree, knowing the signs would help in analyzing your attraction to her.

(Pardon me, while I duck to avoid the brickbats that others will be hurling in my direction at the mere mention of... eek!... zodiac signs. )

[InactionMan]

The last time I was in your shoes I listened to Pulp's Underwear on repeat. It didn't help at all.

[Foj]

Originally Posted by Windswept Oh, Dorian, I love this thread - especially the heartfelt revelations that you and others have made. I love that you have crushes. That's so sweet and vulnerable. Um... what was your zodiac sign again? I'm sure I must know what it is, but I just can't seem to remember. Also, what's hers? Must be on her MySpace page, right? As 709 would undoubtedly agree, knowing the signs would help in analyzing your attraction to her. (Pardon me, while I duck to avoid the brickbats that others will be hurling in my direction at the mere mention of... eek!... zodiac signs. )

For some reason I get the feeling that you are flipping tarot cards as you make these posts about zodiac signs.

[Windswept]

Possibly.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Dorian Gray ...her laid-back attitude is starting to piss people off (not me: her smouldering eyes and very slightly exotic facial structure are getting the better of me already and I'd forgive her anything).

Hmm. Are you a Pisces, by any chance?

I would think those exotic Brazilian girls might have caught your attention once or twice, back when you lived there. Yes?

[Moogs]

That Tarot chic is *hot*.

Dorian: I think that happens to everyone, including women. Some people just don't notice it as much or allow themselves to be consumed by it as much as you do. It'll pass. The older you get the less those encounters will affect you, especially if you're eventually, happily married. If you're unhappily married those situations are, needless to say, bad news.

[torifile]

This thread is useless without pictures.

[RowdyScot]

I agree with Moogs. These things seem to happen a lot. Then again, sometimes you get it in the way that sucks most: you get the unattainable crush on a best friend who already happens to be married. Been through that one. *sigh*

[Is it 1981?]

Seconded, Moogs. It's even worse when said Unattainable/ Married Crush has a slight crush on you.

Aaaaaaaah.

[Moogs]

Yep. That is the worst one... when you know she'd like you right back, if only...

Harsh. But if anything it shows the "there's one and only one person for us out there" concept is way off the mark. There are potentially hundreds or thousands of "right persons" for each of us out there if you look at it from the scale of the US (or CAHnaDAH, eh?). You just never meet most of them because you are where you are and they are where they are. Hence the sinister dangers inherent to the interweb for married peoples having trouble.

Moogs' advice: fight through the adversity and make your marriage better; don't look for an escape unless you're being abused or both of you have lost all interest and desire (i.e. you married a "not right" person). Even then, man up and end it first (say "it's over", "I went to talk to my lawyer today", etc). Don't escape before the marriage is done. That's chicken shit.

[709]

This thread is useless without Sun, Moon and Ascending Signs.

[Moogs]

And boobies.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by 709 This thread is useless without Sun, Moon and Ascending Signs.

*hug*

[Windswept]

I used to get crushes on unattainable people too, Dorian, and probably still would under similar circumstances.

Haven't done so in a few years, fortunately.

('Unattainability' appears to be quite the aphrodisiac. )

But, I wrote some intense lyrics and a few lustful songs about one of those crushes. (He was a lead singer. ) The whole thing was silly and juvenile really, but it was a lot of fun.

Then the crush slips completely away, and one wonders: "What in the world was I thinking???"


What I *really* love about threads like this is when guys express their feelings.

Nothing makes my heart flutter like guys who actually *have* feelings in the first place, and then are brave enough to risk communicating them to someone else.

[Dorian Gray]

Originally Posted by 709 They are phenomenal aren't they? I've had three so far.

Hey, less cynicism from the back row please!

Taskiss, the young lady is 24. I don't normally measure accomplishment in dollars, but congrats on your success anyway. But, while my crush might be a bit theatrical and ridiculous, I'm not silly enough to think for a moment that I'd like to spend my life with this girl, so whether she applies herself, or not, to a temporary job is neither here nor there.

Originally Posted by BuonRotto I do believe there is a reason some guys pine over women they either believe are unattainable, or only go gaga for women they're not allowed to go gaga for. It's not really a good reason though.

Well, hit me with it anyway! If I recall correctly you have given relationships quite a bit of thought, so I'd like to hear what you think about this.

Originally Posted by Windswept what was your zodiac sign again? I'm sure I must know what it is, but I just can't seem to remember. Also, what's hers? Must be on her MySpace page, right?

I'm a Scorpio, but surprisingly I can't find her sign (can find her brother's though). My girlfriend is a Pisces. Does that combo work? If not I'd better know now rather than later!

Originally Posted by Moogs It'll pass.

It certainly will, hopefully before I make a fool of myself (in real life, at least!). I've had these things happen before, as I said. And they nearly always do seem rather silly in retrospect.

Originally Posted by Windswept 'Unattainability' appears to be quite the aphrodisiac.

Doesn't it? I bet there is a disgustingly prosaic biological reason for this.

[MBHockey]

Because the chase is all the fun. Knowing (or thinking) you can't get someone means you will be forever on the chase...subconsciously or not, the most fun part of it all.

[Souflay123]

you know, isnt that why there are people like george clooney and jeremy piven along with many many other hot stars. People you can dream about, but never have a chance with... for most they are not even in the same state. And that is part of the appeal, you can look but not touch

[thegeriatric]

My wife knows i love her dearly, but that doesn't stop me looking at a pretty woman in the street, and if she sees me i get a slap on the arm or a funny look in jest and she laughs. We both know it's harmless and that's the way it should be.

[Windswept]

Originally Posted by Dorian Gray I'm a Scorpio,

Oh, my goodness. I would never have guessed that in a million years!

(But then, I *really* suck at guessing signs. *sigh* )

A Scorpio, eh?

Well, Scorpio is a pretty intense sign, whose significant interest is:

SEX

It's a water sign, Dorian, and so is Pisces; so you and your girlfriend should do well together. In fact, it should be a pretty wonderful combination.

However, I do have this book I could check, just to be sure. (Now, if only I can find the damned thing!)

But, no, from all your posts, I would never have guessed Scorpio in a million years.

but surprisingly I can't find her sign (can find her brother's though). My girlfriend is a Pisces. Does that combo work? If not I'd better know now rather than later!

See above.

Doesn't it? I bet there is a disgustingly prosaic biological reason for this.

haha. Oh, that's really funny, Dorian. Seriously, what a gem of a comment. I love it.

Actually, I've had a life-long penchant for falling for unattainable guys. Not intentionally; but oh, do I ever want what I can't have. It's a sickness, it really is. heh

It can also be an excruciatingly delightful torture, of sorts; one that I've explored from time to time.

[colivigan]

It keeps life interesting, simple as that.

Now, how important it is will probably vary depending on where you are in life. For me, where I am, it's kind of like watching sports on TV.

I've been married for almost 20 years now, and have never in that time been with a woman other than my wife. But I have my daily interests, the barista at Starbucks, the girl in the office across the hall, the cashier at the drug store. It's definitely more than just random fantasy, you really do latch on to certain individuals and wonder, what if?

It's also quite possible that I'm just a dirty old man.

[Is it 1981?]

Originally Posted by Windswept ...guys who actually *have* feelings in the first place, and then are brave enough to risk communicating them to someone else.

The one thing worse than a rejection from someone is a rejection with complete indifference (ie rather than "Thank you and I'm flattered but..." you get "Oh, okay. Well, anyway...").

Originally Posted by Souflay123 you know, isnt that why there are people like george clooney and jeremy piven along with many many other hot stars.

Ah, Jezza Piven. I quite liked Cupid. That psychiatrist was pretty nice...

[Taskiss]

Originally Posted by Dorian Gray Taskiss, the young lady is 24. I don't normally measure accomplishment in dollars, but congrats on your success anyway. But, while my crush might be a bit theatrical and ridiculous, I'm not silly enough to think for a moment that I'd like to spend my life with this girl, so whether she applies herself, or not, to a temporary job is neither here nor there.

Of course accomplishment isn't measured in dollars. It's measured in how someone attains the goals they set for themselves. Since at my age security and the ability to retire is not some nebulous cloud on a horizon, the goal is to prepare for eventualities. My wife and I carry our lunch in a brown paper bag to work every day because of the incremental accomplishment it provides. That is the measure I use to define success, and that's what I find attractive. If you dedicate yourself to the incremental steps, the rest follows. Yeah, that's obvious, but so few actually do what it takes.

If you find independence because you don't care about your job attractive (and you did go on about it in your post), you should check out the real thing - independence because you earned it.